Update Date February 18, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

CHINESE TORTURE TESTS

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house. He knocks on the door and is greeted by an old Chinese man with a
long grey . "I'm lost," said the man, "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but one condition.  If you so much as
lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst 
Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well,
and entered the house.

Over dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful 
and had a fantastic body. She was obviously attracted to the young man as 
well, as she couldn't keep her eyes off of him during the meal.  Remembering the
old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a
night of passion. Near dawn, he quietly crept back to his room so the old
man wouldn't hear, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.
Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that
read:

"Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's easy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do 
then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked 
over to the window and threw it out. As he did so, he noticed another note on it
that read:

"Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left
testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close
to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration he
jumped out of the window after the boulder.  As he plummeted toward the
ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read:

"Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed

HEBONICS

NEW YORK, February 1 - The New York City school board has
officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as
a second language. Backers of the move say the city's School
District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a
valid language and significant attribute of New York culture.

According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New
York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence
structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European
language patterns, as well as Yiddish.

Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any
question is usually another question -- plus a complaint that
is implied or stated. Thus 'How are you?' may be answered,
'How should I be, with my feet?'"

Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle
for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the
repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning:
"Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?"

Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence
to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning:
"It's beautiful, that dress."

Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the
end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as
'He's slow as a turtle,' could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like
a fly in Vaseline he walks."

Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook,
Switched-On Hebonics.
Question: "What time is it?"
English answer: "Sorry, I don't know."
Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?"
Remark: "I hope things turn out okay."
English response: "Thanks."
Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!"
Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready."
English response: "Be right there."
Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with
the 'hurry' business? Is there a fire?"
Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time."
English response: "Glad you like it."
Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the
other ties I gave you?
Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged."
English response: "Congratulations!"
Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds."
Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?"
English answer: "Just say when."
Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?"
To guest of honor at his birthday party:
English remark: "Happy birthday."
Hebonic remark: "A year smarter you should become."
Remark: "A beautiful day."
English response: "Sure is."
Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?"
Answering a phone call from son:
English remark: "It's been a long time since you called."
Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?"


Update Date February 19, 2001


WILL?

The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went 
to the doctor. The doc examined him and backed away, 
saying, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an 
advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You must have 
had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal." 

"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman. 

"Do you want to write your will?" 

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite." 


24 HOUR SERVICE


Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched 
ths small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he 
found a sign which read: 
          "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service."

After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit 
tomorrow."
   
"Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor.
  
"But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer 
protested.
  
"We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully.  "But we 
only work eight hours a day.  Today's Thursday - eight hours 
today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday.  That's 24-hour 
service."


Update Date February 20, 2001

MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

1.Never take a beer to a job interview.

2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3.It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4.If you have to vacuume the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5.Evenif you are certain you are included in the will, it is still
considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.

REDNECK VASECTOMY

One day a redneck and his wife living in Alabama decided that after
having their eleventh child, they couldnt afford a larger doublewide
trailer so the husband needed to have a vasectomy. He went to the town
doctor and he told the redneck to light a cherry bomb, place it in a
beer bottle and to place it next to his ear and count to ten. The
redneck thinks they doctor is crazy so he goes to Georgia to ask a
doctor there. He gets to Georgia and the doctor begins to explain the
process until he found out he was from Alabama and then proceeded to
tell him the same thing. The Redneck figures they both cant be wrong.
He goes home, lights a cherry bomb and places it in a beer can. He
hold it up to his ear and begins to count on one hand,
1...2...3...4...5..., he pauses and
places it between his legs while he begins to count on the other hand,
6...7...


Update Date February 21, 2001

THE TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER

10.  You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9.  He's won the Publisher's Clearing House sweepstakes three years
running.

8.  When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7.  Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6.  Somehow, he gets HBO on his PC at work.

5.  Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4.  Massive IRA (in Canada, RRSP) contribution made in half-cent
increments.

3.  Video dating profile lists, "Public-key encryption" among
turn-ons.

2.  When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr.
President."

1.  You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."


WALL STREET MAN

The Wall Street man was standing at the curb when a friend from his old
home town, whom he hadn't seen in years, approached.  They embraced, but
the friend seemed mighty serious.  "I'm awful sorry to tell you this,"
said the visitor, "but your old and dear Aunt Cecily is in jail."

"Glad you told me," said the broker.  "It's good to know she's provided
for."

KIDS

Every father was a kid once...and every mother is trying to make the
neighbors believe she is still one.

LIQUOR PROBLEMS

I'm against liquor.  That was the cause of my father's death."
"Drank too much?"
"No.  A case fell on his head."


Update Date February 22, 2001

GOOD JEWISH GIRL
Submitted by Lee B.

A Jewish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home
money and gifts to her parents. After a few years, they asked her to come
home for a visit, as her elderly father was getting frail.

She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing fur
and diamonds. As she walked into the house her father said "Hmmm - they seem
to be paying secretaries awfully well in London."

The girl took his hands and said, "Dad - I've been meaning to tell you
something for years but I didn't want to put it in a letter. I can't hide it
from you any longer.  I've become a prostitute."

Her father gasped, put his hand over his heart and keeled over.

The doctor was called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He
was put to bed and the Rabbi was called.  As the Rabbi was comforting, the
mother and daughter, the old man muttered weakly,  "I'm a goner, killed by my
own daughter!  Killed by the shame of what you've become!"

"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed.  "I only wanted to have nice
things!  I wanted to be able to send you money and the only way I could do it
was by becoming a prostitute."

The old man sat bolt upright in bed, brushing the Rabbi aside, and smiling.

"Did you say a prostitute?  Thank God!!! I thought you said a Protestant.

GOLF CAN BE DANGEROUS

On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the
woods.  Harry, his partner, had laughed and poked fun, but then
somehow managed to hit his own ball into the woods, just a few yards
beyond.

Fred hunted for a long time, getting angrier every minute.  Finally,
in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.  Instead of
just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single
buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, "I'm Mother Nature!  Do you know how long it took me to make
those buttercups?  Just for that, you won't have any butter for your
popcorn the rest of your life.  Better still, you won't have any
butter for your toast for the rest of your life.  As a matter of fact,
you won't have any butter for ANYTHING the rest of your life!"  Then
POOF!...she was gone.

After Fred got hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!
Harry!  Where are you?"

Harry yelled, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Fred screamed back, "Don't swing!  For heaven's sake, DON'T SWING!!"

HMMM...

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

OUCH!

He was bitten by a snake, so I gave him whiskey.  It didn't cure him,
but he died happy.


Update Date February 23, 2001

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW

A father asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the
bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At
age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you
hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell
me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live
for!

PHOTOS

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle 
bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man 
ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was 
standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this 
picture."

The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: 
"That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."

WHAT'S YOUR JOB?

Since I was the first to arrive at our high-tech company one morning, I 
answered the telephone. When the caller asked for field engineering, I 
explained that it was before normal business hours, but that I would help if 
I could. "What's your job there?" the caller asked me.

"I'm the president," I replied.

There was a pause. Then he said, "I'll call back later. I need to talk to 
someone who knows something."


Update Date February 24, 2001

GOT THE TIME?

"Pardon me, sir. Do you have the time?"  Montgomery asked.

The elderly gentleman removed the watch from his vest pocked, studied
it, and then put it back without telling the young man the time.

"I say, old chap, do you have the time you know?"  Montgomery
repeated, in his best British accent.

Once more, the elderly gentleman repeated the process of looking at
his watch and putting it back into his pocked without telling him the
time.

"Why do you do that?"

"It's like this," the elderly gent explained.  "If I told you the
time, you'd start asking me where I come from.  Then you'd visit me.
Meet my beautiful daughter.  Fall in love with her and she'd fall in
love with you.  Then you'd ask for her hand in marriage and I couldn't
refuse.  And I'll be darned if I want a son-in-law who can't afford a
watch

 AGE

"How could you have a son that age?"
"I didn't.  When I had him, he was just a baby.

INHERITANCE

Dan walks into his friend Steve's house and sees that Steve is
depressed.

"Steve, why are you so depressed?"

"Four weeks ago, my 97-year-old uncle died and left me $8,000."
"Three weeks ago, my 93-year-old Aunt dies and leaves us with
$234,000."  "Two weeks ago, my second cousin dies at 102 and leaves us
with $2.3 million"

Dan replies, "Well, your relatives lived good, full lives and left you
a lot of money.  Are you depressed over these deaths?"

Steve replies, "No, I am depressed that the phone has not rung this
week with any news from other relatives."


Update Date February 25, 2001

TRAFFIC VIOLATION

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the lady behind the
wheel was knitting.

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the
trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yells,
"PULL OVER!"

"NO," she yelled back over the sound of the siren, "It's a SCARF!"


BILL AND HILLARY
Submitted by Lee B.

When Bill and Hillary first got married  Bill said, 
"I am putting a box under the bed. You must 
promise never to look in it." In all their 30 
years of marriage Hillary never looked. 

However, on the afternoon of their 30th 
anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and 
she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box 
were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. 

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. 
Now that she knew what was in the box, she was 
doubly curious as to why. 

That evening they were out for a special dinner. 
After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her 
curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so 
sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and 
never looked into the box under our bed. However, 
today the temptation was too much and I gave in. 
But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans 
in the box?" 

Bill thought  for a while and said, "I guess after 
all these years  you deserve to know the truth. 
Whenever I was  unfaithful to you I put an empty 
beer can in the box  under the bed to remind myself 
not to do it again." 

Hillary was shocked, but said,  "Hmmm, Jennifer, 
Paula and Monica. I am very  disappointed and 
saddened but temptation does happen  and I guess 
that 3 times is not that bad considering  the 
years." 

They hugged and made their peace. 

A  little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why 
do you  have all that money in the box?" 

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up 
with  empty cans, I took them to the recycling 
center and  redeemed them for cash 
  

Update Date February 26, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

Some more things to think about:

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several
times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people
from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale
bread to begin with.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a
person who drives race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't 11 pronounced "onety one"?

"I am " is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English
language.  Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't
it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians
denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree
surgeons debarked, and drycleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald
men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny
little spoons and forks so, I wondered, what do Chinese
mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't
they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the
mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game." when their team is
winning.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come
from?

TEDDY BEARS

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. 

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. 
  
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment,he 
notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. 

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium 
sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf 
along the wall. 

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of 
teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to 
mention this to her. 

He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each  others clothes off 
and make love. 
  
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the 
afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" 
  
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf." 


Update Date February 27, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

WORRIED

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her
husband to a therapist, who wound up treating him by teaching him the
technique of self-hypnosis.

To the wife's pleasant surprise, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, just before
Their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several
minutes.

This annoyed her until, finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying the therapeutic
technique. The husband was repeating an expression to himself:

"She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."


WHO SAID THAT
The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask
first and correctly can leave early today. Little Johnny says to
himself, "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever - that answer's
mine!"

The teacher asked, "Who said `Four Score and Seven Years Ago?
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln,"
The teacher said, "That's right, Susie, you can go."

Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, `I Have a Dream?" Before Johnny could
open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King." The teacher said,
"That's right, Mary, you can go."

Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said `Ask not, what your country can do for
you? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy".
teacher said, "That's right, Nancy, you can go."

Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.

As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, "I wish these bitches
would keep their mouths shut." The shocked teacher asked,
"Who said that?"

Johnny jumped up and hollered, "Bill Clinton, see you Monday!"


Update Date February 28, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

GETTING SMART

A customer at Morris' Gourmet Grocery marveled at
the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"

"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Morris
replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers
won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful
customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat
enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."

"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Morris.
The customer buys three.

  A week later, he's back in
the store complaining that the fish heads were
disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Morris. The customer
goes home with 20 more fish heads.

Two weeks later,
he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Morris," he says, "You're selling me fish heads
for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the
whole fish for $2.
...You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Morris.
"You're smarter already."


ADVICE

The following is a father's advice to his son just moments
before he gets on the bus that will carry him off to join
the Army:

"Son, you are getting ready to embark on a great adventure
as many of the men in our family have done since your
great-great grandfather did many hundreds of years ago.
There will be many dangers ahead that you will encounter -
remember your training and obey your commanders, this will
keep you alive during the arduous days of battle. Always
stay with the plan, if you deviate from it you will be in
grave jeopardy. When the time of battle is over, be wary
as you go into the towns and cities ahead because there
are many hidden dangers lurking there. There will be many
temptations to lure you away from your brothers in arms and
this could put you in danger even if it seems safe at the
time. In every town there will be a street that will be most
treacherous of all - there will be strong drink to dull
your senses, loud and crude songs to suppress your hearing,
and wild women of ill repute to enable your enemy to catch
you off guard. My advice to you as a former soldier is simple
- What ever you do..." "FIND THAT STREET."

Update Date March 1, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

4 LETTER WORDS 
  
 A young jewish couple got married and left on their honeymoon.  When they 
 got back, the bride immediately called her mother. 

 "Well," said her mother, "so-how was the honeymoon?" 

 "Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!  So romantic." 
 Suddenly she burst out crying.  "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam 
 started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! 
I  mean, all these awful 4-letter words!  You've got to come get me and take 
me home.  PLEASE MAMA!" 

"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down!  Tell me, what could be so 
awful?  WHAT 4-letter words?" 

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so 
embarrassed - they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!" 

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.  Tell your mother 
these horrible 4-letter words!" 

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama words like:  Dust, Wash, Iron, 
Cook" 

"I'll pick you up in ten minutes," said the mother. 


PIG

A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells
"PIG!!".

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!".
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds a curve he
crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies . . .

If men would only listen.


Update Date March 2, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

TRANSPLANT

Ida the office blonde said that with all the new
transplants they're doing, she'd like to see about being a
virgin again.

But sexy Sophie just laughed and said, "And where in hell
do you think they'd find a donor?"

CEMETERY HUMOR

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet
at the headstone and gets up to leave.  All of a sudden, he notices
another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves, and it
was breaking his heart.


The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the man wail, "Oh why?  Why
did you have to die??  Why did you go?"  The man breaks down sobbing
again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying, "Oh why did
you die!?  Why did you go so soon?"

Intrigued, the first man walks up to him and says, "I'm so sorry for
your loss, is there anything I can do for you?"  "Who is the person
you are crying over so desperately," he asks, compassionately.

"That's my wife's third husband," comes the reply, between sobs.  "I'm
number four..."

VALENTINES

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentine's Day cards
for his daughter and mother.  The 50-foot display of hundreds of cards
astounded him.

He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses?"

The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex'
category, but they're in Sporting Goods."

"Really?"

"Yes sir.  They're called bullets!"


Update Date March 3, 2001


MATTER OF OPINIONS

A patient complained to his doctor, 
"I've been to three other doctors
and none of them agreed with your 
diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait 
until the autopsy, then they'll see 
that I was right."


ETCETERA

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?  He walks around saying,
"Yo."

How does Mrs. Abdul Jabbar like her coffee?  
With Kareem!!!


Update Date March 4, 2001

TOO PUNNY!

A college student fell in love, and dropped out of school to marry her
young love.  She wrote to her parents to say that she had put the
heart before the course.

CLONE GROAN

A scientist was successful in cloning himself, and was asked to speak
at a national convention of cloning scientists.  The meeting room was
located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.

"My fellow scientists," he began, but before he could utter another
word, the clone jumped up and shouted, "He's a *&^^%*@)&!"

Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist began again.  "My
fellow scientists," and again, the clone sprang to his feet and
yelled, "This dumb *%@(&+*! couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox.  He's
a fraudulent *$3%$#*#+=!"

Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw
him out of the window.

The crowd gasped, and security rushed into the room.  A short while
later, New York's finest arrived, and the events that had transpired
were explained to them.  The police chief said to the scientist, "We
are going to have to arrest you."

The scientist replied, "For what?  You can't arrest me for killing a
clone!"  The attending scientists nodded in agreement.

"Well!" retorted the police chief.  He thought for a moment and
ordered the scientist held for making an obscene clone fall.

REPORT CARD TIME

Father to son after exam:  "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it.  He wants to scare his parents."


Update Date March 5, 2001

MOVIE PROJECT
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action
docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold
Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired
the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was
prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they
would portray, as long as they were very famous. "Well,"
started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart.  I would love
to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my
image would improve if people saw me playing the piano,"
said Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to
Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall.  "I'd like to play him."

Spielberg was very pleased with these choices.  "Sounds
splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who
do you want to be, Arnold?"

So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING
Submitted by Lee B.

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver, or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial
on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina
de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a
Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.

...Now you know everything!


Update Date March 6, 2001

FIRE SALE

After meeting with the boss, the head salesperson mustered 
the troops.
   
"People," she said, "I've just been informed that we're going to 
be having a fire sale."

"A fire sale?" spoke up one agent.  "But we sell insurance."
   
"I said a fire sale, and I meant it," she replied coldly.  
"Anyone who doesn't make a sale gets fired."

DRESS

Once upon a time an evil king captured a virgin princess
and held her captive in his high tower. Though she was very
beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly
burlap dress.

"You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave
knight will rescue me!"

"Not in that thing," the evil king replied.

She waited day and night, but it was just as the king 
predicted. Every knight that saw her in the window of the 
high tower was scared away by her dress, which, as I've 
mentioned, was very disgusting.

After many months the princess broke down crying and the
evil king taunted her, "You see? I told you no knight would
rescue a damsel in this dress!"

NOTHING

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling
once she learned to spell STOP.  After that, she tried to
figure out her own words.  From the back seat of the car
she'd yell, "Mom, what does fgrpl spell?"

"Nothing," Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does
doeb spell?"
"Nothing," Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks.  Then one afternoon as they
sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does lmdz spell?"
Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart."

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said,
"Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"


Update Date March 7, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

CAN'T PLEASE EVERYBODY

AN OLD MAN, A BOY AND A DONKEY WERE GOING TO TOWN. THE BOY RODE ON THE
DONKEY & THE OLD MAN WALKED.  AS THEY WENT ALONG THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE
WHO REMARKED IT WAS A SHAME THE OLD MAN WAS WALKING AND THE BOY WAS
RIDING.  THE MAN & BOY THOUGHT MAYBE THE CRITICS WERE RIGHT, SO THEY
CHANGED POSITIONS. LATER THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE WHO REMARKED, "WHAT A
SHAME, HE MAKES THAT LITTLE BOY WALK.". SO THEY DECIDED THEY BOTH WOULD
WALK!  SOON THEY PASSED SOME MORE PEOPLE
WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE STUPID TO WALK WHEN THEY HAD A DECENT DONKEY TO
RIDE. SO, THEY BOTH RODE THE DONKEY!  NOW THEY PASSED SOME PEOPLE THAT
SHAMED THEM BY SAYING HOW AWFUL TO PUT SUCH A LOAD ON A POOR DONKEY. THE
BOY & MAN SAID THEY WERE PROBABLY RIGHT SO THEY DECIDED TO CARRY THE
DONKEY. AS THEY CROSSED A BRIDGE, THEY LOST THEIR GRIP ON THE DONKEY &
HE FELL INTO THE RIVER AND DROWNED.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY?  IF YOU TRY TO PLEASE EVERYONE, YOU WILL
EVENTUALLY LOSE YOUR ASS.

NO REGRETS

In my senior year I reluctantly took a required psychology 
course.  The first day, the professor commented on each 
student's major, trying to provoke a response.  It was working - 
some students were becoming defensive.  When it was 
my turn, I told him I was a music major.  

"So," asked my professor, "what does your father think of 
you wasting your education to study music."

"He's just thankful," I shot back, "that I didn't go into psychology."

GOOD NEWS

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned 
from work,  "I have great news for you.  Pretty soon
we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing
his wife said, "Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."

But then she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way because 
tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us."


Update Date March 8, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

NON TRADITIONAL MATH AND OTHERS

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't
need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a
husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a
wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than
his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men, but married
men are a lot more willing to die.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change,
and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a
new argument.

COMPREHENSION
There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a
woman - before marriage and after marriage.


Update Date March 9, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

BEDTIME PRAYER (for women) 
 
Now I lay me down to sleep, 
I pray for a man, who's not a creep. 
One who's handsome,  smart and strong. 
He's not afraid to admit  when he's wrong. 
One who thinks before he speaks. 
When he promises to call,  he doesn't wait 6 weeks. 
I pray that he is gainfully employed, 
won't lose his cool when he's annoyed. 
Pulls out my chair & opens my door, 
massages my back & begs to do more. 
Oh! Send me a man who will  make love to my mind. 
Knows just what to say when I  ask "How fat is my behind?" 
One who'll make love till my body's a twitching' 
He brings ME a sandwich too,  when he goes to the kitchen! 
I pray that this man  will love me to no end, 
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend. 
Thank You in advance  and now I'll just wait, 
for I know You will send  him before it's too late. 

Amen. 
 

BEDTIME PRAYER (for men) 
 
As I lay me down to sleep 
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap. 
One who's sexy,  blonde and long. 
Who notices  that she's mostly wrong. 
One who sucks And doesn't speak. 
And promises to do so, Once a week. 
I pray that she is very randy, 
'cause one like that would come in handy. 
Opens her leg and lies on the floor, 
and once I'm done, she begs for more. 
Oh! Send me a woman who will  not play with my mind. 
Who knows what she wants and that's lots from behind! 
One who'll make love  till my body's a twitching' 
and brings ME a beer,  when she comes from the kitchen! 
I pray that she'll last right up to the end, 
And would never complain when I do her best friend. 
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait, 
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late. 
 
Amen. 


Update Date March 10, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

TRUE FACTS ABOUT MEN

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man
during the play-off season of any sport.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals/tennis shoes

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They
can learn in private; in public they have to show they know.

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Men love watches or remotes with multiple functions.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave
enough to get a bikini wax.

Men don't get cellulite. Most women believe for that
reason alone, God might just be a male.

Men own most sports teams. Every year cheerleaders'
outfits get tighter and briefer.

Not one man in any beer commercial has a beer belly.

Those men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight
should do it out of sight of women.

Men accept compliments much better than women do.
Example:

"Morris, you look great."
"Thanks."

On the other side:

"Ruth, you look great."
"I do ??? Must be the lighting."

Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women
do because their clothes all button and zip in the front.
Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. Women
may need men emotionally and sexually, but they also need men
to help them get dressed easier and quicker.

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels
tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man
tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will
assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like
monotony.

All men would still really like to own a train set.

Men hate self-service. It's always so damn bad ... and
slow too.

Most men are halfway thru life before they realize it's
a "do-it-yourself" thing.

To a man, a kiss is just an application for a better
position

A lot of men define marriage as a way to get maid service
for free

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can
be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking
about something his lover said. After marriage, he'll
fall asleep before his wife finishes...


Update Date March 11, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

WAKE UP

Little Johnny's father was a rector in a small church.

One day, his father told Little Johnny that a very important bishop was 
coming and that he would be staying with them. Little Johnny became very 
excited and asked his father if he would get to meet him.

His father thought about this and decided that he would let Little Johnny 
bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little Johnny agreed 
to do this and was very excited.

His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops 
Room and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."

Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over 
and over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines.

He went to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that 
his lines got mixed up and the boy said, "It's the Lord, my boy, and your 
time is up!!"

SNEAKY GENIE!

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up
out of his ashtray and said, "And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a
third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second
wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made
your first wish.  Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is
the way it was before you made any wishes.  You now have one wish
left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck.  I
wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared
forever.  "That was your first wish, too!"


Update Date March 12, 2001

GIVE ME THE BILL

An inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur),
"Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and
give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."  The bartender slaps the guy
around a few times, then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a
drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't
possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives
him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house,
has a drink himself, and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the
living daylights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says
(with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink,
give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."


SOMETHING TO PONDER 
  
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?


Update Date March 13, 2001

VERY SERIOUS

A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just
after arriving home from work.  As he was tuning into the evening
news, the phone rang.  The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the
familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.  "In fact, three
doctors are there already!"

BE A LITTLE MORE SUBTLE

A woman was having a medical problem -- her husband snoring.  She
called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he
could do to relieve her "suffering."

"Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your
husband, but it is really rather expensive.  It will cost $1000 down,
and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

"My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "It sounds like leasing a new
sports car!"

"Humm," the doctor murmured.  "Too obvious, huh?"


Update Date March 14, 2001

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with
his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes,he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes.  It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked, "Then why in
the world did you eat him?"

UGH!

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping
carts in the grocery store check-out line.

The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this -- my mom just bought
strained plums!"

The second baby says, "You think that's bad -- my mom just bought
strained peas!"

The third baby says, "You think you guys got it bad?  How would you
like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

DEFINITION

Family planning:  The art of spacing your children the proper distance
apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.


Update Date March 15, 2001

BUBBA
Submitted by Lee B.

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there 

is to know.  Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." 

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about 

Tom Cruise?" 

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba 

and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure 

enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your 

friend come right in and join me for lunch!" 

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical.  After they leave 

Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise 

was just lucky. 

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says. 

"President Clinton,"  his boss quickly retorts. 

"Yes,"  Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." 

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour 

and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was 

just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and 

let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." 

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. 

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to 

Bubba,  who again implores him to name anyone else. 

"The  Pope," his boss replies. 

"Sure!" says Bubba. 

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." 

So off they fly to Rome.  Bubba and his boss are assembled with the 

masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I 

can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people.  Tell you what, I know 

all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony 

with the Pope." 

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure 

enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by 

the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack 

and is surrounded by paramedics. 

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" 

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope 

came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on 

the balcony with Bubba?" 


LIFESPAN
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow. "Today I
have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all
day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span
of 50 years."

The cow objected. "What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for
50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the 30 years - I'll give back to
you."

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog," What you are
supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that

come by- or in, you will have to bark at them! I'll give you a life span of

20 years!"

The dog objected. "What? All day long to sit by the door? No way! I give
you back my other 10 years of life!"

So God agreed.

On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "Monkey
has to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey
tricks. And I'll give you a 20 year life span."

Monkey objected. "What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten
years will do, and the other 10 years - I'll give you back.

So God agreed.

On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "Your job is to sleep,
eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is

to enjoy and do nothing. This kind of life, I'll give you a 20 year
lifespan."

The man objected. "What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing?
Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No
way,man!.......  Why don't we make a deal? Since Cow gave you back 30
years, Dog gave you back10 years, and Monkey gave you back 10 years, I
will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?"

So God agreed.

AND THAT IS WHY..... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the
best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long,
suffer, and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain
our grandchildren by making monkey faces and monkey tricks. And for the
last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door and bark at people...


Update Date March 16, 2001

DANCE LESSONS

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do
guests attend.  During the festivities, two gardeners are out on the
back lawn working.  One of the guests was watching the gardeners at
work, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other leaped up,
spun about, and gracefully swirled, dancing beautifully.

Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the hostess, "That man is
such a talented dancer, I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate
his dancing before my aerobics class!"

When the hostess asked the first gardener about such an arrangement,
he yelled, "Hey Louie!  Do you think for a hundred pounds you could
step on that rake again?"

BAR BET

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet.  The bartender would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the
lemon to a patron.  Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice
out would win the money.  Many people had tried over time
(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a
polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try
the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away.  Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
rind to the little man.  The crowd's laughter turned to total silence
as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into
the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the
little man,"What do you do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, a
weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied," I work for the IRS."


Update Date March 17, 2001

NOW, BE NICE!

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City
subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.  Frank
adamantly rejects the man in disgust.  Matt, on the other hand, whips
out his wallet, pulls out a couple of dollar bills and gladly hands
them over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other
passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.  "What on earth
did you do that for?" shouts Frank.  "You know he's only going to use
it on drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

AND PEOPLE SAY THEY DON'T WORK

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet.
When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

"I'd love an ice-cold beer right now," he told the genie.  Poof! A
beer appeared.

Next, the man said, "I wish to be on an island, surrounded by
beautiful and willing women."

Poof!  He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.
"Oh, man this is the life," the guy thought.  "I wish I never had to
work again."  And poof!  He was back at his desk in the government
office!


Update Date March 18, 2001

THE TALKING CLOCK

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college
student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock", the student replied.

"How's it work?" the friend asked.

"Watch", the guy said, then proceeded to give the gong an ear
shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall.  "KNOCK IT
OFF, YOU IDIOT!  It's two o'clock in the morning!

THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.  After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over
the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.
Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.
The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight.  Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Finally, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was
talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled
the hot coffee in my lap.  You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing.  He should see the back of
mine!"


Update Date March 19, 2001

THE SPLIT

The math teacher posed this problem, 
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. 
One fifth is to go to his wife, one fifth is to go 
to his son, one sixth to his butler, and the rest 
to charity. Now, what does each get?"

The savvy student answered, "A lawyer!"

THE SETTLEMENT

After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer
reported to his client: "Jill, I have succeeded in making a settlement
with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you." 

"Fair to both!?!" exploded Jill. "I could have done that myself. 
Why do you think I hired a lawyer?"


Update Date March 21, 2001

The New Alphabet for Older People

A s for arthritis
B s for bad back
C s for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can t read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I d rather not mention)
   And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L  for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait!  I forgot about K for bad knees
(I ve got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N s for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P s for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal?  Just flu?
R is for reflux--one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus--bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W s worry
About what the X--as in X ray--will find
But through the word  terminal  rushes to mind,
I m proud, as each
Y - year - goes by, to reveal
A reservoir of undiminished
Z - zeal---
For checking the symptoms my body s deployed,
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.

WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy".  I call mine
"Sex".  Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk that I
would like a license for Sex.  He said, "I'd like to have one, too."

Then I said, "You don't understand.  I've had Sex since I was nine
years old."

He said, "you must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a
special room for Sex.  He said, "Every room in the place is for sex!"

I said, "You don't understand.  Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing
there looking around.  I told him I had planned to have Sex in the
contest.  He told me I should have sold tickets.  "But you don't
understand," I said.  "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V."  He called me
a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog.  I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too."  Then I told him after I was married, Sex
left me.  He said "Me too."

Last night, Sex ran off again.  I spent hours looking for him around
the town.  A cop came over to me and asked, "WHAT are you doing in the
alley at 4 O'clock in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday!


Update Date March 22, 2001

SODA MACHINE

There was a blonde woman at a soda machine.  She put a dollar in the
slot and pushed the Pepsi button.  The Pepsi came out, so she took it
and put the change in her purse.

She took another dollar out, put it in the machine, and pressed the
Mountain Dew button.  The Mountain Dew came out, and she took the
change and put it in her purse.

Meanwhile, a big line was forming behind her, but she kept taking her
money out, putting it in the machine, and pressing buttons.

Someone in the line finally said, "Come on, lady!  What's taking you
so long?"

She answered, "Duh!  I'm still winning!"


AW, MOM!

A mother had been constantly showing her daughter how to do
everything.  It finally came to pass that the young girl got married.

Of course, the mother tagged along on the honeymoon.  That night, the
daughter was heard to say, "But mother, I'd rather do it myself!"


Update Date March 23, 2001

RICH STOCK BROKERS

Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making
the big money someday. He took his friend out for a drive, and he
chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities
of the brokerage business.

"Look at that yacht," he said as they drove slowly past a marina.
"That 96-foot beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch.
That one over there, 104-foot, is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs.
And look at that huge 210-foot yacht out there.  That's the pride and
joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache."

His friend Morris was silent.  Goodman turned to look at him and saw a
pained look on his face.

"What's the matter?" Goodman asked.

"I was just wondering," Morris said.  "Why aren't there any customers'
yachts?"

PARATROOPER

How many successful jumps does a paratrooper have to make before he is
ready for combat?
All of them!

ONLY IN AMERICA

...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet soda!


Update Date March 24, 2001

DRINKING BUDDIES

A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at 
JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will 
kinda give you a buzz."
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking 
buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head 
will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In 
fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and 
no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No . . . "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."

A MAN FOR THE JOB

One day, a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.  He picked it up,
rubbed it vigorously and a genie appeared.  "I'll grant you your
fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job - a
job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."

"Done!" said the genie.  "Poof!  You're a housewife."


Update Date March 25, 2001

CAR TROUBLE

This old lady was driving down the road and a wheel fell off of her
car, so she turned around and looked.  It was rolling down the road.
She started singing, "It's a fine time to leave me, loose wheel."

AN OLDIE, BUT A GOODIE

A young boy having received his report card walked out to the schools
flagpole and proceeded to hoist the card up the pole.  When asked what
he was doing, he replied that he was trying to raise his grades.


Update Date March 26, 2001

BETTER THAN PORK
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth , TX.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a
compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation
by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat
pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?"

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have,
on the odd occasion."  Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He
asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate.
But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to
ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped
around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't
it?"

MEMORY LANE
Submitted by Lee B.

Here are some quotes from people in the US during the 1950's, just a scant 50
years ago!
(Were haircuts ever 50 cents?? Even men's?)
1) "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's
going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20."
2) "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long
when $5000 will only buy a used one."
3) "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a
pack is ridiculous."
4) "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just
to mail a letter?"
5) "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon
it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm."
6) "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire
outside help at the store."
7) "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would
someday cost 40 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in
the garage."
8) "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it
impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing
their hair as long as the girls."
9) "Also, their music drives me wild. This `Rock Around The Clock`
thing is nothing but racket."
10) "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar."
11) "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to
put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have
some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
12) "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for
$75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday
they'll be making more than the president."
13) "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?"
14) "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be
electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
15) "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where some
married women are having to work to make ends meet."
16) "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire
someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
17) " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me, they won't be
able to sit down for a week."
18) "Did you know the new church in town is allowing women to wear
slacks to their service?"
19) "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us to not grow
crops."
20). "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government
takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing
the best people to congress."
21). "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college?
Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a
doctor or a lawyer."
22) "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a
weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
23) "Anymore no one can afford to be sick; $35 a day in the hospital
is too rich for my blood."
24) "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country
that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains."
25) "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15
cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home."
26). "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it. I'll have
my wife learn to cut hair."
27) "We won't be going out much anymore. Our sitter informed us she
wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees."
28) "Cars that dim their lights by sensors, automatic ransmissions,and
who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.


Update Date March 27, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

SILENT DEBATE
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the
Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge
outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a
deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of
the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the
debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy.
If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi,
Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe,
however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not
speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a
"silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi
Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before
the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The
Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of
wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the
Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man
has bested me. The Jews can stay."
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope,
asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I
held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He
responded by holding up one finger to remind me that
there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God
was all around us. He responded by pointing to the
ground to show that God was also right here with us. I
pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God
absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to
remind me of original sin. He had an answer for
everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi
Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe,
"first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get
out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he
tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I
said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we
stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch

CONDOM SHOT

David and John were teeing off on the long par 5
seventh hole. David decided he was going to reach
the green in two and took such a cut at the ball
that he almost fell over. The ball skimmed out
over the course about 5 feet above the ground,
slicing into a tree and bouncing into the
fairway about 150 yards out.

David said: "Nice condom shot."

Todd said: "What's a condom shot."

David said: "Safe, but doesn't feel good."


Update Date March 28, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

THINGS ABOUT LIFE

Women should not have children after 35.
Really...35 children are enough

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents
at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done,
usually more is said than done.

Save Your Breath...
You'll need it to blow up your date!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Isn't it funny how the mood can be
ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

"No one ever says "It's only a game,"
when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

"How come we choose from just two people
for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped
me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.

Marriage changes passion...
suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people
you don't want to see naked?

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra...
now I've got hair like Don King.

I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than
thirty percent of the people in this world.

I just got back from a pleasure trip -
I drove my wife to the airport!

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years
...then we met.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear
Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high
school was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you
like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know
me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with
'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get
the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they
call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....
especially if you take them while driving.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never
had it, chances are you won't either.

I don't approve of political jokes...
I've seen too many of them get elected.

How much can I get away with
and still go to heaven?

I think your problem is low self-esteem.
It is very common among losers."

If women can have PMS,
then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands,
you might as well keep the first.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational. I can now say
"Kaopectate" in seven different languages.


Update Date March 29, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

BUT FIRST

Just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with a very
serious condition and there's no hope I will ever recover.  The scientific
world is frantically searching for a cure.

This is an ailment many of us suffer from and may not as yet have been
diagnosed, however now you may be able to discuss it with your loved ones
and try to explain what really happened to you all those times you tried so
hard to accomplish something and didn't.

I call it the "But First Syndrome."

You know, it's when I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and
notice the newspaper on the table.  OK, I'm going to do the laundry BUT
FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper.  After that, I notice the mail on the
table.  OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle rack.

BUT FIRST I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are any bills
to be paid.  Yes, now where's the checkbook?  Oops.-.there's the empty glass
from yesterday on the coffee table.  I'm going to look for that checkbook,
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink.  I head for the kitchen, look
out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water.  I put the
glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen
counter.  What's it doing here?  I'll just put it away.

BUT FIRST I need to water those plants.  Head for door and--Aaaagh!

Stepped on the cat.  Cat needs to be fed.  Okay, I'll put that remote away
and water the plants.

BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

End of day: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass
is still in the sink, bills are unpaid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat
ate the remote control And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got
done all day, I'm baffled because.

I KNOW I was BUSY ALL DAY!!

I realize this condition is serious...and I'd get help.  BUT FIRST I think
I'll check my e-mail!


Update Date March 30, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

CRITERIA

What I Want in a Man
1.      Handsome
2.      Charming
3.      Financially successful
4.      A caring listener
5.      Witty
6.      In good shape
7.      Dresses with style
8.      Appreciates finer things
9.      Full of thoughtful surprises
10.     An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1.      Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2.      Opens car doors, holds chairs
3.      Has enough money for a nice dinner
4.      Listens more than talks
5.      Laughs at my jokes
6.      Carries bags of groceries with ease
7.      Owns at least one tie
8.      Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9.      Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10.     Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1.      Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2.      Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3.      Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4.      Nods head when I'm talking
5.      Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6.      Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7.      Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8.      Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9.      Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10.     Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1.      Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2.      Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3.      Doesn't borrow money too often
4.      Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.      Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6.      Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7.      Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8.      Appreciates a good TV dinner
9.      Remembers your name on occasion
10.     Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1.      Doesn't scare small children
2.      Remembers where bathroom is
3.      Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4.      Only snores lightly when asleep
5.      Remembers why he's laughing
6.      Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7.      Usually wears some clothes
8.      Likes soft foods
9.      Remembers where he left his teeth
10.     Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1.      Breathing
2.      Doesn't miss the toilet


Update Date March 31, 2001

ALL TOGETHER NOW

The Church members were accustomed to always answering with "And so with
you"
when the pastor said the prayers.  But, one day, he was having problems
with his microphone.  It went something like this:

Pastor: "God bless all those with a meek spirit"
Members: "And so with you"

Then a long silence as the pastor fumbled with the microphone to get it to
work, the microphone started working just as the pastor said "This thing
isn't working"

Members: "And so with you"


HINDSIGHT 

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting
next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his
glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the
same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look
pretty
good too!"


Update Date April 1, 2001

A DRINKIN' MAN

An Irish man shows up in a pub one day and orders three pints of
Guinness.  He takes sips from each glass until they are empty and
calls the bartender for three more.  The bartender says, "Sure it's up
to yourself, but wouldn't you rather I was bringing them one at a
time?  Then they'll be fresh and cold."

"'Nah..." the man says, "I'm preferrin' that ye bring 'em three at a
time.  You see, me and me two brothers would meet at a pub and drink
and have good times.  Now one is in Australia, the other in Canada and
I'm here.  We agreed before we split up that we'd drink to each
other's honor this way."

"Well," says the bartender, "that's a grand thing to do, all right.
I'll bring the pints as you ask."

Well, time goes on and the man's peculiar habit is known and accepted
by all the pub regulars.  One day though, he comes in and orders only
two pints.  A hush falls over the pub.  Naturally, everyone figures
something happened to one of the brothers.  A group of the regulars
corner the bartender and finally persuade him to find out what
happened.  With a heavy heart, the bartender brings the two pints and
says, "Here's your pints...and let me offer my sincerest condolences.
What happened?"

The Irish man looks extremely puzzled for a moment, and then starts
laughing.

"Oh, no, no, no!  'Tis nothing like that. You see, I've given up
drinking for Lent"


NO ANESTHETIC NEEDED

A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist said, "I will need
to give you an anesthetic."

The man said, "No, I don't need anything.  Just pull the tooth."

The dentist said, "You won't be able to withstand the pain!"

The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain twice in my life.
Just pull the tooth."

The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even flinch.  The
dentist said, If pain experience left you with that pain tolerance, I
would like to know  about it."

The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three other men, and we
stayed in a cabin.  We hunted Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and when
Thursday came, all were tired but me,,so I went out by myself.  When I
got about four miles from the cabin, on snow-covered ground, I
realized I had to 'do my business.'  Knowing I couldn't make it back
to the cabin, I decided to go right there.  I tucked behind a tree and
dropped my pants and squatted down to go.  I didn't see the trap under
the snow cover, and when I squatted, my privates dropped in the trap
and tripped it, and it slammed shut on them."

The dentist said, "Wow!  If that was the first time, when was the
second experience?"

The man replied, "When I ran out of chain on the trap."


Update Date April 2, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NEW YORKER 

You know you are a New Yorker when ....
1. You say "The City" and expect everyone to know that this means
Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State
Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long
weekend, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. Hookers and the homeless are invisible to you.
5. The subway map makes sense to you.
6. You think the subway should never be called anything prissy,
like the Metro.
7. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
8. You've considered smacking someone just for saying "The Big Apple."
9. Your door has more than two locks.
10. The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.
11. You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
12. You call an 8' x 10' plot of patchy grass a yard.
13. You consider Westchester "Upstate."
14. You cried the day Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.
15. You walk faster than some people run.
16. You see nothing odd about the speed of an auctioneer's speaking.
17. You're paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet
and you think it's a "steal."
18. You've been to New Jersey twice and got lost both times.
19. You pay more each month to insure your car than most people in
the U.S. pay in rent.
20. You haven't seen more than twelve stars in the night sky since
you went away to camp as a kid.
21. You go to dinner at 9pm and head out to the clubs when most
Americans are heading to bed.
22. Your closet is filled with black clothes.
23. When foreigners ask directions, you are nice to them. When other
New Yorkers ask directions, you ignore them.
24. You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
25. You take fashion seriously.
26. When you pass a celebrity on the street, you don't go to pieces.
27. You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.
28. Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip."
29. America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
30. You've stopped thinking about how many hands touched the subway pole.
31. You're suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
32. You haven't cooked a meal since helping Mom last Thanksgiving.
33. You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
34. Your idea of "personal space" is no one actually breathing on you.
35. $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.
36. You have a minimum of five "worst cab ride ever" stories.
37. You don't hear sirens anymore.
38. You've mentally blocked out all thoughts of the city's air
quality and what it's doing to your lungs.
39. You live/work in a building with a larger population than some
American towns.
40. Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man
is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese,
your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the
watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani,
your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian...

BIRDIE

A blonde and a brunette were walking in the park.  The brunette says
to the blonde, "Oh look.  There's a dead bird!"

The blonde looked up at the sky and asked, "Where????"


Update Date April 3, 2001

NEXIA

Two friends were driving cross-country, and as they were driving down
this narrow country road, they passed a sign that read, "NEXIA - 5
Miles ahead."

The driver turned to the passenger and said, "I'm guessing that the
name of that town must be said like 'N-ex-e-a.'"

The passenger replied, "No, it's an old Indian name.  The way to say
it is, 'Na-he-a.'"

The driver answered, "Well, I don't think you're right."

The passenger stated, "I'll tell you what.  Let's stop in the first
place we see when we get there, and ask a local resident, OK?"  The
driver agreed.

So, when they got to the town, they saw this business just off of the
road, so the driver pulled in and parked the car.  Then, the two
friends got out of the car and entered the business.  The two walked
up to the counter and waited a moment as the employee helped a
customer.  When the customer left the counter, the two stepped up to
it.

The employee asked, "May I help you?"

The driver said, "Yes.  I'd like you to tell us where we are, and say
it v-e-r-r-r-r-r-r-y s-l-o-w-w-l-y."

The employee looked at the two very quizzically for a moment, and then
shook his head.  He looked at both men as he said, "OK.
D-a-a-a-i-r-r-r-y  Q-u-e-e-e-e-n."

QUESTION FOR THE AGES

If you've ended up in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you
tell them to go?

A PUBLIC SERVANT SHOULD KNOW BETTER

A woman gets on a bus holding a baby, and the driver says, "That's the
ugliest damn baby I've ever seen!"  In a huff the woman slams her fare
into the coin box and takes an aisle seat in the rear.

An elderly man seated next to her senses that she's agitated and asks
her what's wrong.  "That bus driver just insulted me," she fumes.

The man is sympathetic and says "Why, a public servant shouldn't say
things to insult the passengers."

"You're right!" the woman agrees.  "I think I'll go back up there and
give him a piece of my mind!"

"Thats a good idea," the man says.  "Here, let me hold your monkey."


Update Date April 5, 2001

SICK MAN

The tough businessman was feeling very ill and went to the doctor.

The doc examined him and backed away, saying, "I'm sorry to tell you
this, but you have an advanced case of highly infectious rabies. You
must have had it for some time. It will almost certainly be fatal."

"Could you give me a pen and paper?" asked the businessman.

"Do you want to write your will?"

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."

THAT'S SOME SALESMAN!

A traveling salesman was driving down a country road, when a rabbit
ran in front of his car and he hit it.  The proverbial farmer was
sitting on the fence watching.  The salesman got out of his car and
opened the trunk.  He then removed an aerosol can and sprayed the
contents on the dead rabbit.

The next thing you know, the rabbit got up and hopped about 20 feet
down the road, turned and waved to the salesman, went another 20 feet,
and waved to the salesman again.

The salesman looked at the farmer and said "He'll be okay now."  The
salesman got into his car and left.

The farmer, wondering what was going on, walked over to the ditch
where the salesman threw the can, and picked it up and read the label.
It said, "FOR HARE RESTORATION AND PERMANENT WAVE."


Update Date April 6, 2001

GREEN SIDE UP

A woman decided to get her house re-painted.  She hired a man to be in
charge of the painting.  The man went over to the woman's house one
day, and they began to decide what color she wants the rooms painted.

They walked into the entryway and the woman said, "I want this room
painted light pink."

So the man wrote something down on his notepad, went over to the
window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!!" out the window.

The woman thought that this was weird, but she didn't say anything.
They went on to the next room, the dining room.  The woman said, "I
want this room painted lilac."

So again, the man wrote something down on his notepad, went over to
the window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!!" out the window.

The women almost said something, but decided not to.  They went into
the next room, which was the woman's bedroom.  The woman said, "I want
this room painted blue."

So the man wrote something down on his notepad, went over to the
window, opened it, and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!

The woman said, "I said I wanted this room to be blue."

The man said, "Yeah, that's why I wrote down blue on my note book."

"But then why did you yell 'green side up' out the window?"

The man then replied, "Oh, I've just got a couple of blondes out there
laying sod, and I just had to remind them how the sod goes."

Many thanks to Maggie M. from Michigan for today's Joke #2!


A HOLE BEHIND

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course.  Looking around, he
saw a lady playing ahead of him.  He walked up to her, explained his,
confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so
you must be on the 6th.

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened, and he approached her again,
with the same request.

She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must
be on the 13th hole."

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same
lady sitting at the end of the bar.  He asked the bartender if he knew
the lady.  The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation
for your help.  I understand that you are in the sales profession.
I'm in sales also.  What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."

"No, I won't."

"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied.

"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"


Update Date April 12, 2001

GRANDMA'S IDEA

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting
on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist
down.

"Grandpa what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below
the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out
here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.  This is your Grandma's
idea."

CLIFF THROWING

What did the Swedish guy say to his brother when he threw their mother
off the cliff?

"Look, Hans.  No Ma!"

SMART PLAN

Once there were these two hillbillies driving down the road, when they
saw a police roadblock.  The first hillbilly, Bubba, said, "If those
police see us drinkin' these here beers, they'll bust us fer sure."

The second hillbilly, Earl, said "I've got a plan.  Pull over, take
the label off your beer bottle, and put it on your forehead.  Just put
the bottle under your seat."

"What fer?" Bubba asked.

"Just do it," Earl replied.

So they took the labels off their beer bottles and put them on their
foreheads and pulled up to the police roadblock.  A policeman asked,
"You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," Earl replied, "we're on the patch."


Update Date April 13, 2001

ENGINEERING MATTERS
Submitted by Bong V.

Dilberts theorem on Salary states:

that engineers & scientists can never earn as much salary as business executives & sales people.
This theorem can now be supported by a mathemetical equation based on the following three postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power (Knowledge = Power)
Postulate 2: TIme is Money (Time = Money)
Postulate 3: (as every engineer knows): Power = Work/Time

It therefore follows:
 
Knowledge = Work/Time
and since: Time = Money
we have: Knowledge = Work / Money.
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work /  knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.


Conclusion 1: The less you know, the More you make.

Conclusion 2: This is the reason why your BOSS is paid more than you!!!


CONFESSION OF A CATHOLIC BOY

Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned.  I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't be tellin' you, Father.  I don't want to ruin her
reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now.  Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Liz Shannon?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not tell her name."

"Was it Cathy Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration.  "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that.  But you've sinned, and you must
atone.  Be off with you now."

Tommy walks back to his pew.  His friend Sean slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five good leads," says Tommy.


Update Date April 16, 2001

PROGRESS

We are told that if automotive technology progressed at the same pace
as computer technology, we would have economy cars weighing 30 pounds
getting 1,000 miles to a gallon of gas, with a cost of less than
$50.00.

But, would you really want to drive a car that crashes about 10 times
a day?

Many thanks to Charles V. from Norco, California for today's Joke #1!


MEOW

What do you call a cat that fell in a garbage can?

Kitty litter!

LOVERS

The lovers passionately embraced while lying on her bed.  Their bodies
fused together as they gyrated and panted.  Then, suddenly the woman
cocked her ear.  "Quick, my husband is coming through the front door!
Hide in the bathroom", she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed.

Just as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying naked on the bed?" he asked.

"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive way and got ready to receive
you" she replied with a wink and a smile.

"Great" he said.  "I'll just run into the bathroom and I'll be with
you in two shakes."

She panicked.  Before she could stop him, he was in the bathroom.  He
found a man clapping his hands together in mid air.  Dumfounded, he
asked, "Who the devil are you?"

"I'm from the exterminator company.  Your wife called me in to get rid
of these pesky moths" the lover replied.

The husband yelled, "but you've got no clothes on!!!"

The lover looked down at his body, jumped backwards in surprise, and
said, "The little bastards!!"

Update Date April 17, 2001

POSSESSIONS IN HEAVEN

A man shows up at the pearly gates carrying a large chest.  Saint
Peter stops him and says, "I'm sorry, this is Heaven.  You're not
allowed to bring anything with you."

The man clutches the chest tightly and says, "Oh yes I can, I have
special permission from God to bring this."

Saint Peter had never seen anything like this before, and so he tells
the man, "Hold on.  I'll have to check on this."  He pulls out his
celestial cellular and calls the Big Man.  Much to his amazement, he
learns that the man does, indeed, have permission to bring this most
prized earthly possession with him.  He gives the man permission to
proceed but can't help himself and says, "Excuse me but I'm extremely
curious.  Could you please show me what you have in the chest?"

The man gives a big smile and opens the chest.  There in the chest was
bar upon bar of shiny gold.  Saint Peter seemed confused, and as he
tells the man to proceed, he has to ask the question, "Out of all of
the things you could possibly bring with you to Heaven, why would you
want to bring only pavement?"

Many thanks to Sam B. from Kennewick for today's Joke #1!


T.V. SHOWS

A couple of television producers were chatting about old shows while
drinking coffee, and also dreaming about what shows they would like to
do.

"Remember the show 'The Waltons'?" one asked.  "I just received a new
script that looks pretty good, although it is a little different."

"I liked the show the way it was.  So how is this one different?"

"Slightly different cast."

"How so?"

"They have another boy in the family who is an avid gardener.  He is
particularly fussy about how the grass looks.  It had to be well
watered and fertilized and free of weeds.  It had to be exactly a
certain length, which meant cutting it every day."

"Oh, what was his name?"

"Lawnboy."


Update Date April 18, 2001

HISTORY OF YODELING
Back in the olden days, a man was traveling through Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching, and the man had nowhere to sleep.
He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the
night.

The farmer told him that it would be all right, and that he could
sleep in the barn.  The man went into the barn to bed down, and the
farmer went back into the house.

Well as the story goes, the farmer's daughter came downstairs and
asked her father, "Who was that man going into the barn?"

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer.  "He needed a
place to stay for the night, so I said that he could sleep in the
barn.

The daughter then asked, "Did you offer the man anything to eat"?

"Gee, no, I didn't," the farmer answered.

The daughter said, "Well, I'm going to take him some food."  She went
into the kitchen, prepared a plate of food, and then took it out to
the barn.  The daughter was in the barn for an hour before returning
to the house.  When she came back in, her clothes were all disheveled
and buttoned up wrong, and she had several strands of straw tangled up
in her long blond hair.  She immediately went up the stairs to her
bedroom and went to sleep.

A little later, the farmer's wife came down and asked her husband why
their daughter went to bed so early.  "I don't know," said the farmer.
"I told a man that he could sleep in the barn, and our daughter took
him some food."

"Oh", replied the wife.  "Well, did you offer the man anything to
drink?"

"Umm, no, I didn't," said the farmer.

The wife then said, "I'm going to take something out there for him to
drink."

The wife went to the cellar, got a bottle of wine, then went out to
the barn.  She did not return for over an hour, and when she came back
into the house, her clothes were also messed up, and she had straw
twisted into her blond hair.  She went straight up the stairs and into
bed.

The next morning at sunrise, the man in the barn got up and continued
on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left the farm.  A few hours
later, the daughter woke up and came rushing downstairs.  She went
right out to the barn, only to find it empty.  She ran back into the
house.  "Where's the man from the barn?" she eagerly asked her father.

Her father answered, "He left several minutes ago."

"What??" she cried.  "He left without saying goodbye?  After all we
had together?  I mean, last night he made such passionate love to me."

"What?!" shouted the father.  The farmer ran out into the front yard,
looking for the man, but by now the man was halfway up the side of the
mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm gonna get you!  You had sex with
my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands next
to his mouth, and yelled out...

"ILAIDTHEOLADEETOO!"

And thus was born yodeling.

THE FLEA & THE ELEPHANT

An elephant and a flea walked across a bridge, side by side.  When
they had reached the other side, the flea said to the elephant, "Boy,
did we shake that thing!"


Update Date April 19, 2001

OLD COUPLE

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's one cold winter
evening.  They looked out of place amid the young families and young
couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.  You could tell what
the admirers were thinking:  "Look, there is a couple who has been
through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his
order with no hesitation, and then paid for their meal.  The couple
took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the
tray.  There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one
drink.  The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully
cut it in half.  He placed one half in front of his wife.  Then he
carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and
neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink; his wife took a sip, and then set the cup
down between them.  As the man began to eat his few bites of
hamburger, the crowd began to get restless.  Again, you could tell
what they were thinking:  "That poor old couple.  All they can afford
is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came
over to the old couple's table.  He politely offered to buy another
meal for the old couple to eat.  The old man replied that they were
just fine.  They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She just sat there watching her husband eat and, occasionally took
turns sipping the drink.  Again, the young man came over and begged
them to let him buy them something to eat.  This time, the lady
explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.  As
the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with
a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer.  Again he came over
to their table and offered to buy some food.  After being politely
refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady.

"Ma'am, why aren't you eating?  You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."

NEW HOME FOR NEWLYWEDS

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.  One day, the
husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, do you know
that the upstairs bathroom pipes are leaking? Could you fix it?"

The husband just looks at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.
Plumber?"

A few weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard.  His wife finds a
leak in the roof.  She pleads to him as he's walking through the door,
"Honey, there is a leak in the roof!  Can you please fix it?"

He just looked at her and said, "Do I look like Bob Vila to you?"

Another couple of weeks go by, and as comes home from work, his wife
asks for another little favor.  "Honey the car won't start, I think it
needs a new battery.  Do you think you can change it for me?"

"What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?"  As he walked into the house,
sat down with a beer, and watched the game on TV.

One weekend, the husband woke up, and the rain was pouring down pretty
hard, but the leak in the roof was gone!  Speaking of leaks, he also
went to take a shower, and he found that the pipes behind the sink
weren't leaking anymore.  His wife was coming home just then, and as
she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there
aren't anymore leaks, and the car's running?"

The wife calmly replies, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail,
and I ran into one of our new neighbors, John.  What a nice man!  He
came over and fixed everything."

"Wow!  Did he charge us anything?" asked the husband.  "No, he just
said that he'd do it for free if I'd either make him a cake or have
sex with him." she said.

"Cool!  What kind of cake did you make?" he asked.

"Cake?  What do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?"


Update Date April 20, 2001

LOST LUGGAGE

Harry arrived at the airport and wandered around the terminal, tears
streaming down his cheeks.  An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.

"No," replied Harry.  "I've lost all me luggage!"

"How'd that happen?"

"The cork fell out!" said Harry.

Many thanks to John S. from Depoe Bay, Oregon for today's Joke #1!


SWIM TIME

What does Hannibal Lecter call a Jacuzzi?

A crock pot.

YOUNG LOVE

There was a couple who got married and went to a local motel for their
honeymoon.  For three days, nobody saw or heard from them, and the
caretaker became worried.

He decided to check in and see if everything was okay.  He knocked on
the door, and the young groom opened the door, blushing, wearing only
his underwear.  The caretaker asked him, "Sorry to bother you, but is
everything okay?  We haven't seen you in a few days."

The groom answered, "Don't worry about us.  We are just enjoying the
fruits of love."

The caretaker then replied, "Oh!  In that case, would you mind not
throwing the peels out the window?  Two of my geese have choked
already!"


Update Date April 22, 2001

KIDS ASK THE DARNDEST QUESTIONS

One day, while shopping in the local Wal-Mart, my little boy asked me
why his daddy and I got divorced.  I told him "Honey, when you are a
little older I'll explain it all to you."

A few minutes later, he asked me how old I am.  My reply to him was
simply "A woman never reveals her real age."

He looked puzzled.  Then he asked me how much I weighed.  I explained
to him that it wasn't polite to ask a woman that question, and that he
probably wouldn't get a truthful answer anyway.

After I finished my shopping and was writing a check at the checkout,
I began to look for my driver's license.  I realized who had it when
my son said to me, "Mommy, I have all the answers now!  You are 34
years old, you weigh 145 pounds, and the reason you and daddy got
divorced is because you got an 'F' in sex!!"

DEAD PEOPLE

In an average cemetery, how many people in it are dead?

All of them!

AN AGE OLD QUESTION

A chicken and an egg were lying in a bed.  The chicken's feathers were
ruffled, and he had a cigarette hanging out of his beak.  The egg
rolled over and said in a huff, "I guess that answers that question!


Update Date April 23, 2001

SPECIAL PIG

As Joe was driving, he passed his friend's farm.  Out of the corner of
his eye, he saw a pig with one wooden leg.  This got the best of him,
for he was raised on a farm all his life, and he had never seen a
sight like this.

He drove on up and spotted his friend working on his tractor.  He
stopped and asked him about what he had just seen.

His friend said, "Let me tell you a little story about that pig.  One
night, during a very bad lighting storm, my house caught on fire.
That pig pulled my wife and me out of the fire, saving our lives!"

"Okay," Joe said, "but why does he have one wooden leg?"

The farmer said, "Let me tell you another little story about that pig.
One day, I was plowing on this very tractor, and I hit a rut.  I
tipped the tractor and I was trapped under it.  That pig dug me out
and saved my life!"

"Okay," Joe said, "but why does he have one wooden leg???"

The farmer said, "Well, you don't eat a pig like that all at once!"

Many thanks to Robert R. from Athens, Alabama for today's Joke #1!


MOONSHINERS

Two old moonshiners were sitting on the front porch when they heard a
noise.  From down the road came a motorcycle.  One old man picked up
his shotgun and fired at it.

"What was that, Clem?"

"I don't know, Luke, but I made it drop that man!"


Update Date April 24, 2001


SOUTHERN SAVIOR

Two good ole Southern boys were having the blue plate special at their
favorite diner, when they heard this awful choking sound.  They turned
around to see a lady, a few stools down, turning blue from wolfing
down a 'possum burger too fast.

The first hillbilly said to the other, "Think we otta' help?"

"I reckon," said the second hillbilly.

The first hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin
yew breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Kin yew talk?" he asked.

She again shook her head no.

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted her skirt, and licked her
on the butt.

She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to
breathe, with great relief.

The first hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how
that there Hind Lick Maneuver works ever' time."


FISHING BUDDIES

Two good (blond) fishing buddies, Joe and Dave, went up to the
mountains to a creek to fish.  After they parked the pickup and got
out all their fishing gear, Dave said "I'm going to go across the
creek and fish upstream."  Joe acknowledged him.

After some time of fishing away from each other, the weather turned
bad, the sky turned dark, and it began to rain tremendously.  The
lightning flashed and the thunder rolled, the creek began to swell and
pushed over its banks.

Dave came running down the opposite side of the creek and hollered
over to Joe above the thunder, "How do I get across?!"

Joe hollered, "Take off your shoes and socks, roll up your pants, and
wade!"

By this time it was dark.  Dave hollered back, "The creek is too high
and you know I can't swim!"

Joe hollered, "I have an idea.  I will go get the flashlight, shine it
on the water, and you can walk across on the beam!"

Dave thought about this for a couple of minutes and then hollered
back, "That's no good.  I know you -- I'll get halfway across, and
you'll shut it off!"


Update Date April 26, 2001

PEANUTS

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friend with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the
peanuts on the coffee table, and finished them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for
the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off them."


SIXTH GRADERS

The 6th grade science teacher asked her class, "Which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered for a long time until little Mary stood up, angry, and
said the teacher should not be asking 6th graders a question like
that.  She was going to tell her parents, who would tell the principal
who would fire the teacher!

The teacher ignored her and asked the question again.  "Which body
part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Finally Billy stood up and said that the body part that increases 10
times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.

The teacher said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and said,
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:  Number one, you
have a dirty mind.  Number two, you didn't read your homework.  And
number three, one day, you will be very, very disappointed."


Update Date April 30, 2001

THE DARNDEST THING

In the Midwest, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and
without warning.

In one case, a house was completely whisked away, leaving only the
foundation and first floor.  A silver-haired farm lady was seen
sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left
above the floor.

The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her dazed, but unhurt.
She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.

"It was the darndest thing.  It was the darndest thing," she kept
repeating.

"What was the darndest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the rescuers.

"I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did was
pull the plug, and the whole darned house suddenly just drained away."


PARTY SIZE

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the
Democratic Party?"

"About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly.

"No!" exploded the teacher.  "I mean, how MANY members does it have?
How on earth did you get 5 feet 2 inches?"

"Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall, and every night he
puts his hands to his chin and says...'I've had it up to HERE with the
Democratic Party!'"


Update Date May 1, 2001

PEPSI SHIPMENT

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a
malfunction, and went down.  A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent
a rescue plane.  They searched the area and found a tribe of
cannibals.  They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if
he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "You betcha!"

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew,
and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue crew was shocked.  One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did
you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"

The chief said, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief.  "THINGS go better with Coke.


NEW IN TOWN

"I'm new around here," said a man to a little boy.  "Will you please
direct me to the bank?"

"I will, but it'll cost you ten dollars." answered the boy.

"Why should I pay you so much?" argued the man.

"Because bank directors are always highly paid."


Update Date May 3, 2001

UNCLE BUBBA

Uncle Bubba fell into a Whiskey Vat Last week.  When men tried to pull
him out, he fought them off and jumped back in and drowned.

Well, we had Uncle Bubba cremated.  He burned for three days.


A CHILD'S PERSPECTIVE

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity.  When the doctor arrived,
no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old
child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could
see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.  The child did so.
The mother >pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the
newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to
take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.  "He
shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place!  Spank him again!"
the 5-year-old said.


Update Date May 4, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

HUMAN BODY

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a
nerve that connects the eyeball to the asshole?
It is called the anal optic nerve.

It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook
on life. If you don't believe me, pull a hair from
your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

SMALL

A young man was so paranoid about the size of his penis that he could never 
work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love with a nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music 
and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers.

"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved man asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."


Update Date May 7, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A
few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy
themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a
while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you
realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly
six months?"

And then there is silence in the car.

To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself:
Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been
feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to
push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't
sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so
I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going
the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going?
Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy?
Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime
together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even
know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see... February
when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the
dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way
overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe
I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our
relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed,
even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I
bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his
own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not
shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold
weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing
is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves
$600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be
angry, too.

I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I
feel.

I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty... scum balls.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right
next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person
I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A
person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic
fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them
a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh God, I
feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I
really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no
horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.

There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one
that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.

Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel
that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it
involves a horse. At last she speaks.

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.

When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on
the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in
the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going
on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he
would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he
doesn't think about it. Incidentally, this is also Roger's view on World
Hunger.

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of
them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.
In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and
everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every
word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering
every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this
subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any
definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual
friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and
say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"

And that's the difference between men and women.

Update Date May 9, 2001

FISHING TRIP

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his
friends.  We'll be gone for a week.  This is a good opportunity for me
to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me
enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box?  We're
leaving from the office and will swing by the house to pick my things
up.  Oh, please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but she does what her
husband asked.  The following weekend he comes home a little tired,
but otherwise looking good.  The wife welcomes him home and asks if he
caught many fish.  He says, "Oh, yes, but why didn't you pack my new
blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies, "I did.  They were in your tackle box!"


THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of
him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans.  Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so
that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, from da Bronx."

Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the taxi-driver,
"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter into the Kingdom."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the minister's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, "I am
Joseph Snow, pastor of New Covenant Tabernacle for the last 37 years."

Saint Peter consults his list.  He says to the minister, "Take this
cotton robe and wooden staff and enter into the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister.  "That man was a taxi-driver and
he gets a silken robe and golden staff.  How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter..."While you preached,
people slept; while he drove, people prayed."


Update Date May 10, 2001

Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

DISCOVERY

The man discovered WEAPONS and invented HUNTING,
the woman discovered HUNTING and invented FURS.

The man discovered COLORS and invented PAINT,
the woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
the woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

The man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS,
the woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
the woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
the woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

The man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX,
the woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.

The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
the woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got
all mixed up!

DEAD FROG

A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.  She
inquired as to whether it was alive or dead.  "Dead," she was
informed.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child, innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" squealed the teacher in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and he
didn't move."


Update Date May 12, 2001

HIGH BIRTH RATE

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention
of the sociologists at the state university.

They wrote a grant proposal, got a huge chunk of money, hired a few
additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and
birth control specialist.  They all moved to town and rented offices,
set up their computers, got squared away, and began designing their
questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort,
the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of
coffee.  He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he
was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town.
He asked the druggist if he had any idea why the birth rate was so
high.

"Sure," said the druggist.  Every morning the six o'clock train comes
through here and blows for the crossing.  It wakes everybody up, and,
well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get
up."


PRIESTS ON VACATION

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they
would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would
identify them as clergy.  As soon as the plane landed, they headed for
a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals,
sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, the two priests went to the beach, dressed in their
"tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the
sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny
bikini came walking straight toward them.  They couldn't help but
stare, and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said,
"Good morning father.  Good morning father." nodding and addressing
each of them individually, then passed on by.  They were both
stunned - how in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day, the two priests went back to the store, bought even more
outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before
you even saw them, and again they settled on the beach in their chairs
to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this
time, came walking toward them.  Again, she approached them and
greeted them individually:  "Good morning father.  Good morning
father." and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young
lady.  Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how
in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh father, don't you recognize me?  I'm Sister Kathryn!"


Update Date May 15, 2001

BETTER BE SPECIFIC

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
Picking it up, he pulls out the cork.  Sure enough, out pops a huge
blue genie.  The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison.
In return, I  will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Perfect.  I always dreamed of this, and I know exactly
what I want.  First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank
account."  Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and a detailed list
with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues.  "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari appears
right next to him.

He goes on.  "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."  A final
blaze of light, and he turns into a box of chocolates!

GRANDPA & GRANDMA

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa
found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.  He asked the
son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you
should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

$10.00 a pill answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the
money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow.  He said to
Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa.  "The extra hundred is from Grandma."

Update Date May 17, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

TWO NUNS

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible 
language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." 

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. 

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was 
going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging 
over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 
100 yards." 

"Is that when you swore?" 

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes 
and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." 

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. 

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle 
came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to 
fly away!" 

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. 

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew 
near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." 

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. 

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, 
rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." 

The two nuns were silent for a moment............... 

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't 
you? 

RIBBIT

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing He is on the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.  He thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit, 9 ironThe
man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit, 9
iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts
the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says  to the
frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit, lucky frog."

The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.  "What do
you think, frog?" the man asks.

"Ribbit, 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom!  Hole in one. The man is befuddled
and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the
best game of his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit, Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and he says, "OK ,frog, now  what?"

The frog answers, "Ribbit, Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I
should  bet?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit, $3000, number 6."

Now, this is truly a high risk long-shot , but after the golf game the
man figures, "What the hell, it's only money and the frog has been my
lucky charm."

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes
his winnings and rents the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down
and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this
money and I am forever grateful."

The frog says, "Ribbit, kiss me.."

He thinks, why not? After all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With
a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, Your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me
God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Update Date May 22, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

GREAT JOKE

Officer: 
May I see your driver's license? 

Driver: 
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. 

Officer: 
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? 

Driver: 
It's not my car. I stole it. 

Officer: 
The car is stolen? 

Driver: 
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card 
in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. 

Officer: 
There's a gun in the glove box? 

Driver: 
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who 
owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. 

Officer: 
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? 

Driver: 
Yes, sir. 

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.  The car was 
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver 
to handle the tense situation: 

Captain: 
Sir, can I see your license? 

Driver: 
Sure. Here it is. 

It was valid. 

Captain: 
Who's car is this? 

Driver: 
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. 

The driver owned the car. 

Captain: 
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in 
it? 

Driver: 
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. 

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. 

Captain: 
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body 
in it. 

Driver: 
No problem. 

Trunk is opened; no body. 

Captain: 
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him 
you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and 
that there was a dead body in the trunk. 

Driver: 
Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too! 

THE CLASS OF 2004

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this
will certainly change things. Each year the staff at
Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to
try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this
year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across
the nation were born in 1982.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan
Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.

There has been only one Pope.

They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold
War.

They have never feared a nuclear war.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The statement "You sound like a broken record" means
nothing to them. They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track.
The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.

As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels,
nor have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know
about the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up"
commercial.

Feeling old yet? There's more:
They were born the year that Walkman were introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI,
WWII and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a
mile for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!".

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who
J.R. was.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are
places, not music bands.

McDonalds never came in styrofoam containers.

There has always been MTV.

Do you feel old yet?
Pass this on to the other old fogies.


Update Date May 28, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

For Whom the Bell Tolls ....

One Sunday morning Rochel Cohen is out shopping when she receives an SOS

to tell her that her zaida has died. She immediately goes to visit her bobba.


"Bobba," she sobbed, "how did it happen? Zaida seemed so healthy and

full of the joys of living at the Shabbos table on Friday night. Now

barely two days later he's dead."


"Vell mamela," replies bobba sadly, "de truth is he had a heart attack

ven ve vere having sex dis morning."


"Sex! He was having sex at the age of 94!" Exclaimed a horrified

Rochel.  "Isn't that asking for trouble?"


"Oh no." Replied Bobba. "You see ve had a routine every Sunday morning.

Ven de goyim vere going to church, ve used to keep time with de church

bells. In vit de dings, out vit de dongs." Bobba paused for a moment to

wipe her eyes. "If it vasn't for dat farkakte ice cream truck, your zaida
vould still be alive today."

G.W. and the Queen
President Bush is representing the United States of America on a highly
formal, orchestrated state visit to England.
Air Force One stops at a bright red carpet along which the President
strides to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century
coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses.
The coach proceeds through the streets of London en route to
Buckingham Palace, the Queen and the President waving to the cheering
throngs.
Then suddenly the right rear horse produces a thunderous, cataclysmic fart
that reverberates through the air and rattles the doors of the coach.
Uncomfortable, the reaction of the two powerful figures is to focus their
attentions elsewhere and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened.
But, the Queen is the first to realize that ignoring what had just
happened is ridiculous. She explains, "Mr. President, please accept my
regrets - - -I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a
Queen
cannot control."
President Bush replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter
another thought --- you know, if you hadn't said something, I would have
thought it was one of the horses."


Update Date May 31, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

MAGICIAN

A magician worked on a cruise ship.  The audience was different each week,
so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.  One problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to under-stand
how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:  "Look,
it's not the same hat!"
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table.  Hey, why are all the cards
the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It
was, after all, the captain's parrot.

Then the ship sank.  The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the
middle of the sea with, as fate would
have it, the parrot.  They stared at each other with hatred but did not
utter a word.

This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said:

"OK, I give up...  Where's the fucking ship?!!

THE PROGNOSIS

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has
told him he has only 24 hours to live.  Given the prognosis, Morris asks his
wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees. So they make love.

About 6 hrs later, the husband goes to his wife and
says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hrs to live. Could we please
do it one more time?"  Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into  bed, he looks at his watch and realizes
that he now has only 8 hrs left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,
"Honey, please...just one more time before I die." She says, "Of course,
Dear," and
they make love for the third time.  After this session, the wife rolls over
and falls to sleep. Morris, however, worried about his impending demise,
tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours.  Do you think
we could..."  At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen Morris, I have
to get up in the morning.....you don't."


Update Date June 4, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

WHICH VIDEO SHOPULD I BUY? (Help me out here.)

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

CLINTON VIDEO:  $9.99 on Internet.


TITANIC VIDEO:  Over 3 hours long.

CLINTON VIDEO:  Over 3 hours long.


TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden

love, and subsequent catastrophe.

CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their

forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.


TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist.


TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.


TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.

CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.


TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.

CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.


TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.


TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack.


TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.

CLINTON VIDEO: Monica...uh, never mind.


TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.

CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary

GEORGE'S POEM 

The following is a poem made up entirely of
actual quotes from George W. Bush. The quotes
have been arranged, only for aesthetic purposes,
by Washington Post writer Richard Thompson.

MAKE THE PIE HIGHER
by George W. Bush

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?

How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg
Of opportunity.

I know that the human being
and the fish can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope,
here our wings take dream.

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize Society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie
Higher!

Update Date June 6, 2001

PRIESTS ON VACATION

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they
would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would
identify them as clergy.  As soon as the plane landed, they headed for
a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals,
sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, the two priests went to the beach, dressed in their
"tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the
sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde in a tiny
bikini came walking straight toward them.  They couldn't help but
stare, and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said,
"Good morning father.  Good morning father." nodding and addressing
each of them individually, then passed on by.  They were both
stunned - how in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day, the two priests went back to the store, bought even more
outrageous outfits - these were so loud, you could hear them before
you even saw them, and again they settled on the beach in their chairs
to enjoy the sunshine.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this
time, came walking toward them.  Again, she approached them and
greeted them individually:  "Good morning father.  Good morning
father." and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young
lady.  Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how
in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh father, don't you recognize me?  I'm Sister Kathryn!"


IRRESISTIBLE

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
Picking it up, he pulls out the cork.  Sure enough, out pops a huge
blue genie.  The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison.
In return, I  will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Perfect.  I always dreamed of this, and I know exactly
what I want.  First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank
account."  Suddenly, there is a flash of light, and a detailed list
with Swiss Bank account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues.  "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."
There is another flash of light, and a bright red Ferrari appears
right next to him.

He goes on.  "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."  A final
blaze of light, and he turns into a box of chocolates!


GRANDPA AND GRANDMA

Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa
found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.  He asked the
son about using one of the pills, and the son said "I don't think you
should take one; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

$10.00 a pill answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd like to try one, and I'll leave the
money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill."

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow.  He said to
Grandpa, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

"I know," said Grandpa.  "The extra hundred is from Grandma."


Update Date June 11, 2001

DO YOU BELIEVE?

One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.  On a hot
and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't
anything that will save us except to pray for rain.  Go home, pray,
believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending
rain."

The people did as they were told and returned to church the following
Sunday.  But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.

"We can't worship today.  You do not yet believe," he said.

"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."

"Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?"


SO MANY BLONDE JOKES

Why are there so many blonde jokes?

So that redheads and brunettes have something to talk about on
Saturday night.


SUSHI BAR

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
lawyers?

It's called, Sosumi.


Update Date June 15, 2001

BOOK TALK

I asked the librarian if she thought the book entitled "Walden" gave a
good account of the life of its author.

She said it was pretty Thoreau.

YOU DON'T LOOK YOUR AGE

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said.  "What's your
secret for a long happy life?"

"Well, honey, I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said.  "I
also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never
exercise."

"That's amazing, "the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.


BRAGGARTS

There were three swordsmen, Tom, Dick and Harry, (they were better
than the Musketeers), sitting in a tavern, by the fire, and bragging
about their feats.  Each one trying to prove he was the best.

Finally, one of the people in the tavern, Alex, fed up with all this
showing-off, said, "OK you guys, why don't you show your abilities in
a competition tomorrow?  I'll take three flies, each one in a
different matchbox, and I'll let them loose in turn so that each of
you has a chance to kill one with your sword.  How about it?  And the
one who does best will get a prize!"

Everyone in the tavern applauded and yelled, defying the three
swordsmen to the challenge such that they had to agree.

The next morning, at dawn, everybody met in the village square - Alex
with his three boxes, Tom, Dick and Harry, the villagers, the mayor -
everyone.  When everybody had settled down, Alex announced, "Tom you
go first, Dick you're second, and Harry you're the last to try.  So,
let's just do it!"

At that, he let loose the first fly; Tom made a pass with his sword,
and the fly fell to the ground, cut in two.  Everybody applauded.

Alex then let loose the second fly; Dick gave two slashes with his
sword, and the fly fell to the ground with its wings cut off.  More
applause and whistling; everybody talking and commenting that Harry
wouldn't be able to do better.

Alex now let loose the last fly.  Harry, with just a little twist of
his wrist, slashed at the fly which flew away buzzing angrily.
Everyone started jeering and laughing, calling names, shouting at
Harry that he was a no-good braggart.

Harry, standing very straight, looked haughtily around and said in a
very loud voice, "Tom and Dick were really good; they dropped their
flies, but these were very big targets.  Now, you can be sure that MY
fly is unable to either copulate or reproduce!"


Update Date June 18, 2001

A MILLION DOLLARS

A minister was asked to inform a man with a heart condition that he
had just inherited a million dollars.  Everyone was afraid the shock
would give him a heart attack.

So, the minister went to the man's house and said, "Joe, what would
you do if you inherited a million dollars?"

And Joe said, "Well, pastor, I think I would give half of it to the
church."

At which the pastor fell over dead.

NO TEETH?

"Lead a righteous and spiritual life," admonished a minister to a
young rascal he caught causing trouble, "for there will be weeping,
wailing and a gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the
next world."

"What if you haven't got any teeth?" said the boy.

"Teeth will be provided!"

EXPERIENCE

An old bull and a young bull were standing atop a steep hill one day,
when they spotted eight young heifers grazing in the meadow below.

"Let's run down the hill and service one of those beauties," said the
young bull.

"Let's WALK down the hill and service them all," came the reply.


Update Date June 26, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

YOU COULD HAVE

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.  After 
almost sixteen hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and 
decide to stop at a hotel for a good night's rest.. 

When they check out the next morning, the desk clerk hands them a bill for 
$350.. 
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.  He tells 
the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth 
$350When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on 
speaking with the Manager.  The Manager appears, listens to the man, and 
then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge 
conference 

center that were available for the husband and wife to use. 

"But we didn't use them", the man complains. 
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. 
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which 
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and 
Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says."But we didn't go to any of those 
shows," complains the man again."Well, we have them, and you could have, " 
the Manager replies.No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man 
replies, "But we 
didn't use it.The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and 
agrees to pay. 
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. 
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, 
"this check is only made out for $100." 
"That's right," says the man.  "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my 
wife." 
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. 
"Well," the man replies,  "She was here, and you could have!" 
  
  
TWO PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have 
a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how
to say one thing."
   
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
   
They say, "Hi we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some 
fun?"
   
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a 
moment.

"You  know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem, I have
two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. 
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage 
with Francis and Joe. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and 
worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."
   
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the 
solution."
   
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's 
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. 
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
   
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: 
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
   
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked 
over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, 
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"


Update Date June 29, 2001

CAN'T CATCH

An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana
watching the sunrise.  He saw the neighbor's kid walk by
carrying something big under his arm.

He yelled out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yelled back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man said, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy said, "Gonna catch me some chickens."
The old man yelled, "You damn fool... you can't catch
chickens with chicken wire!" The young boy just laughed and
kept walking.

That evening at sunset the boy came walking by and to the
old man's surprise he was dragging behind him the chicken
wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The same time the next morning, the old man was out watching
the sun rise again, and saw the boy walk by, carrying
something kind of round in his hands.

The old man yelled out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yelled back, "A roll of duck tape."
The old man replied, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy said, "Gonna catch me some ducks, mister."
The old man hollered back, "You damn fool... you can't catch
ducks with duck tape!" The boy just laughed and kept walking
past.

That night around sunset, the boy walked on his way home,
and to the old man's amazement the boy trailed behind him
the unrolled tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man saw the boy walking by
carrying a bunch of long reeds with something fuzzy on the
ends.

The old man said, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy said, "Pussy Willows."

"Wait up.... I'll get my hat..."

DONOR

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get 
a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and 
said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen 
sample tomorrow." 
The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the 
doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as 
clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor 
asked what happened? The man explained: "Well, 
doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right 
hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, 
but still nothing. "Then I asked my wife for help. 
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still 
nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the 
teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. 
"We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and 
she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit 
and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, 
but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You 
asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. 
And no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the 
jar open! 


Update Date July 2, 2001

PHYSICAL EXAMINATION

A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss, and with a little
convincing acting, got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.

Afterward, a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical.  At
the end of the examination, the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers.

"Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked.

"No," answered the doctor.  "M.E. stands for Middle East.  Anyone who
can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel."

CUTTING IN LINE

It was the day of the big sale.  Rumors of the sale and some
advertising in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line
that formed by 8:30am, the store's opening time, in front of the
store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed
back, amid loud and colorful curses.  On the man's second attempt, he
was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then
thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the
line, "That does it!  If they hit me one more time, I don't open the
store!"

Update Date July 4, 2001

TWINS

A woman gets on the bus with two sets of twins.  The bus driver asks
her, "Do you have twins every time?"

The woman answers, "Heavens no!  Hundreds of times we don't have
anything."

TEN DOLLARS

Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year, and every
year, Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10
dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, "Martha, I'm
81 years old.  If I don't ride that airplane now, I might never get
another chance."

"I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars
is 10 dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal.  I'll
take you both up for a ride.  If you can stay quiet for the entire
ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word
it's 10 dollars."

Bill and Martha agreed, and up they went.  The pilot did all kinds of
twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard.  He did
all his tricks over again, but still, not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did
everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out,
but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."

RAILROAD

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend.
He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.  While standing in
the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know
what it was.  Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the
tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some
bruises.

After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house
attending a party.  While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea
kettle whistling.  He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet
and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had
happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea
kettle?"

The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."


Update Date July 9, 2001

LAUGH

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Saturday?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

DROWNING

Standing at the edge of a lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in
the deep water.  Unable to swim, the man screamed for help.  A trout
fisherman ran up.  The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't
swim.  Please save her!  I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water.  In ten powerful strokes, he
reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay,
where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
thought it was my wife.  But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How
much do I owe you?"


OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did
God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me,
too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa,
as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather
wondered what was running through her mind.  At last, she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."


Update Date July 12, 2001

THE NOTE

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant, and while sitting at his
regular table , he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby,
all alone.  He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive
bottle of merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that if she accepts
it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl,
saying, "This from the gentleman.

She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.  The
note reads:  "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches
in your pants.

The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her, and
it reads:  "Just so you know - I happen to have a Ferrari Testarossa,
a BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage; plus I have over
twenty million dollars in the bank.  But, not even for a woman
beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches.  Just send the bottle
back."

CLASSIFIED AD

"Four-poster bed, 101 years old.  Perfect for antique lover."


WEARY TRAVELERS

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.  They stop at a nice
hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and
then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill
for $350.  The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high.  He tells the clerk that although it's a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren't worth $350.  When the clerk tells him $350 is the
standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.  "But we didn't use them",
the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.  He
goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which
the hotel is famous.  "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have, " the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay.  He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.  The Manager is
surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man.  "I charged you $250 for sleeping with
my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."


Update Date July 16, 2001

LOOKING AROUND

A department store clerk was alarmed to see a blind man walk into the
store, pick up his seeing-eye dog, and swing it around in circles over
his head by it's tail.  The clerk rushes over and asks, "Sir!  Is
there something I can help you with?!"

The blind man says "No, thanks.  I'm just looking around."


DUMB JOE

Two men walk into a bar to have a drink.  The first man turned to the
second and said, "That guy there?  That's Dumb Joe.  He's been around
here for 20 years or so.


"Why do they call him Dumb Joe?" the second man asked.

"Well, watch this," replied the first.  He walked over to Joe and
asked him, "Joe, here is a nice shiny quarter and a nice dollar bill.
Which one do you want?"

Dumb Joe took the quarter, and as always, everyone in the bar laughed.
The man walked back to his table an said to his friend, "He does that
a dozen times a day."

Later, the second man walked up to Dumb Joe and asked him, "Why do you
do that and have people laugh at you?"

"Well," says Joe, "if I took the dollar, the game would have been over
years ago."

MR. JONES

An old man, Mr. Jones, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home.  One day, he appeared to be very sad and depressed.  Nurse
Tracey asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracey," said Mr. Jones, "My 'little friend' died today,
and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh I'm so sorry, Mr. Jones.  Please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Jones was walking down the hall with his
'little friend' hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracey.

"Mr. Jones," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
this, please put your 'friend' back inside your pajamas."

"But Nurse Tracey," replied Mr. Jones, "I told you yesterday that it
died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your
pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracey.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

Update Date July 17, 2001

CHEMISTRY EXAM

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama.  They
were so confident going into the final that two days before, they
decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some
friends.  They had a great time.  However, they overslept and didn't
make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.

Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to
explain why they missed the final.  They told him that they went up to
the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come
back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back,
and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so
they were late in getting back to campus.  The professor thought this
over and told them they could make up the final on the following day.

The two guys were relieved.  They studied that night and went in the
next day for the final.  The professor placed them in separate rooms,
and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points.  It was
something simple.  "Cool," they thought.  "This is going to be easy."
They did that problem and then turned the page.  Question #2 said:
"Which tire? (95 Points)."


APPLIANCE SHOPPING

A blonde goes to Sears' appliance department, and wants to buy a T.V.
The salesman comes up and asks, "May I help you?"

The blonde says, "I want to buy that TV."

"I'm sorry, miss, we don't sell TV's to blondes."

So the blonde goes home.  She comes back the next day, and there's a
different salesman working.  She tells him, "I want to buy that T.V.

"I'm sorry, miss we don't sell TV's to blondes."

So the blonde goes home, thinking, "I'm going to fix them!"  She dyes
her hair, and she goes back to the store the next day.

The first salesman she talked to was working.  She says, "I want to
buy that T.V."

"Miss, I told you the other day, we don't sell TV's to blondes."

"How did you know I was a blonde?"

"Because, miss, that's a microwave!"


Update Date July 23, 2001

PLAYING IN THE SANDBOX

Little Johnny and Little Suzy were playing one day in the sand box,
when all of a sudden little Johnny had to pee.  Too embarrassed to say
he had to pee in front of little Suzy, he tried to think of what his
mother would do in this situation.  Thinking he was quite clever he
looked up and told Suzy, "I have to go powder my nose," and off he
went to relieve himself.

Upon returning, little Suzy asked him if everything went okay
powdering his nose.  He said everything was fine.  "Well," she said,
with a funny look on her face, "you better close you compact, because
your lipstick is sticking out."


BUT WE DIDN'T USE IT
Submitted by Lee B.

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.  After 
almost sixteen hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and 
decide to stop at a hotel for a good night's rest.. 

When they check out the next morning, the desk clerk hands them a bill for 
$350.. 
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high.  He tells 
the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth 
$350When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on 
speaking with the Manager.  The Manager appears, listens to the man, and 
then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge 
conference 

center that were available for the husband and wife to use. 

"But we didn't use them", the man complains. 
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. 
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which 
the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and 
Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says."But we didn't go to any of those 
shows," complains the man again."Well, we have them, and you could have, " 
the Manager replies.No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man 
replies, "But we 
didn't use it.The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and 
agrees to pay. 
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. 
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, 
"this check is only made out for $100." 
"That's right," says the man.  "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my 
wife." 
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager. 
"Well," the man replies,  "She was here, and you could have!" 


Update Date July 30, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

CAUGHT LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. 
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.  One day the girls 
decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. 
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she 
know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, 
spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was 
elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting 
a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but 
when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. 
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to 
see her husband in bed with her lady boss!
Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. 
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead 
planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was 
going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got 
caught yesterday!"

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?
Submitted by Lee B. 

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his
wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is
deaf because she never hears me the first time and
always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor
replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from
her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move
about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so
that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as
instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife
in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and
says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply.
He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch
away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"


Update Date August 6, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

A MILLION DOLLARS

A minister was asked to inform a man with a heart condition that he
had just inherited a million dollars.  Everyone was afraid the shock
would give him a heart attack.

So, the minister went to the man's house and said, "Joe, what would
you do if you inherited a million dollars?"

And Joe said, "Well, pastor, I think I would give half of it to the
church."

At which the pastor fell over dead.

NO TEETH?

"Lead a righteous and spiritual life," admonished a minister to a
young rascal he caught causing trouble, "for there will be weeping,
wailing and a gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the
next world."

"What if you haven't got any teeth?" said the boy.

"Teeth will be provided!"

EXPERIENCE

An old bull and a young bull were standing atop a steep hill one day,
when they spotted eight young heifers grazing in the meadow below.

"Let's run down the hill and service one of those beauties," said the
young bull.

"Let's WALK down the hill and service them all," came the reply.


Update Date August 13, 2001

DANGEROUS SPORT

Scott came to work one day, limping something awful.  One of his
co-workers, Bill, noticed and asked Scott what happened.

Scott replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts
up once in a while."

Bill, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Scott, "No I don't.  I hurt it last year when I lost $1,000 on the
Stanley Cup play-offs.  I put my foot through the television."


TRAINING

A son comes home from the Army.  After a few hours, he finally gets to
talk to his father alone behind the barn.

"So, son, what did the Army teach you?" asked the father.

"Well, they taught me how to kill people," said the son.

"With what?" asked father.

"We used all kinds of things, like guns and knives, but my favorite
was the grenade," said the son.

"What's a grenade?" asked the father.

"Well, I brought one home to show you.  You just pull this pin out and
throw it as far as you can," said the son.  The son proceeded to give
a demonstration.  Lo and behold, the son throws the grenade on top of
the outhouse.

KABOOM!!!  The outhouse is demolished.  All the lumber and everything
else lands in a heap in the yard.  Grandpa sticks his head out of the
pile and says, "Whew, glad I didn't let that one loose in the house!"

Update Date August 20, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

Quotes from Caddys
 

Golfer:  "I've played so poorly all day, I'm going to go drown myself in 
the lake." 
Caddy:  "I doubt you could keep your head down that long, sir". 

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this 
course." 
Caddy: "Just try heaven, sir.  You've already moved most of the earth." 
 
Golfer:  "I have never played this badly before!" 
Caddy" "I didn't realize you had played before, sir." 
 
Golfer:  "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?" 
Caddy:  "Oh yes sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to." 
 
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy.  It's 
distracting." 
Caddy:  "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass". 
 
Golfer:  "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?" 
Caddy:  " The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week." 
 
Golfer:  "This golf is a funny game". 
Caddy:  "It's not supposed to be." 
 
Golfer:  "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?" 
Caddy: "Eventually." 
 
Golfer:  "That can't be my ball, caddy.  It looks far too old." 
Caddy:  "It's been a long time since we started, sir." 
 
Golfer (screaming):  "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" 
Caddy:  "I doubt it, sir.  That would be too much of a coincidence 


THE CIRCUS

A man decides to join the circus.  He shows up to demonstrate his
skills to the impresario.

"I have the most unusual act," he announces.  "I'm sure it will amaze
you."

He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off.  He flaps his arms
wildly, and finally his fall slows.  He soars forward, then swoops
upward, turns and swoops back again.  Finally he stops in mid air and
gently lowers himself to the ground.

The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time.  Finally he
says, "Is that all you've got?  Bird imitations?"


Update Date August 27, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, Tx.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it 
yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, 
diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he 
"made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of 
peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to 
duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out 
anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your 
hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his 
collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After 
children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See 
also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you 
try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and 
romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Update Date September 3, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, Tx.

Women's Clever Answers To Pick-Up Lines

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know.  Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both.  You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."
Woman: "No thanks.  There's already one asshole in there."

Man: "I'd like to call you.  What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?"
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter."
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh.  You're so right.  I want you to leave."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
        laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why?  Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good!  Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"


Update Date September 10, 2001

SECRET TO A GOOD GOLF GAME

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus.  He said, "Jack, you are
spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf.  You
really know your way around the course.  What is your secret?"

To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

JURY DUTY

Mrs. Jones was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused
because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her
personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running it's proper
course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and tried to convince
her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial!  It's a simple
civil lawsuit.  A wife is bringing this case against her husband
because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel
the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve.  I guess I could be
wrong about capital punishment after all!"

Update Date September 17, 2001

BAD JUDGEMENT

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery
case, the judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, "Has the jury
reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.

"Please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the
bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it
to him.

After the judge read the verdict himself, he delivered the verdict
slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructed
the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant not guilty of all four counts of bank robbery,"
stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jumped for joy at the verdict
and hugged each other as they shouted expressions of divine gratitude.

The man's attorney turned to his client and asked, "So, what do you
think about that?"

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face, turned to his
attorney and says, "I'm confused.  Does this mean that I have to give
all the money back?"

BICYCLE BUSINESS

A manufacturer of bicycle tires was the speaker at a businessmen's
luncheon.  In response to a toast, he said, "I have no desire or
intention to inflict upon you a long speech, for it is well known in
our trade that the longer the spoke, the bigger the tire."

QUICKIE

He said:   "Come on, do you want to have a quickie?"

She said:  "As opposed to what?"

Update Date September 24, 2001
LETTER FROM GRANDMA

Got a letter from Grandma the other day.  She wrote:

The other day, I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a
"Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker.  I was feeling particularly
sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir
performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the
sticker and put it on my bumper.  Boy, I'm glad I did!

What an uplifting experience that followed!  I was stopped at a red
light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and
how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed.  It
is a good thing someone else loves Jesus, because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!  Why, while I was sitting
there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he
leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD!  GO!
GO!  JESUS CHRIST, GO!"  What an exuberant cheerleader he was for
Jesus!

Everyone started honking!  I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people.  I even honked my horn
a few times to share in the love!  There must have been a man from
Florida back there, because I heard him yelling something about a
"sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.  When I asked my teenage grandson in the back
seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good
luck sign or something.  Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii; so I
leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.  My
grandson burst out laughing... why even he was enjoying this religious
experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.  I bet they
wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed.  So, I waved to all my sisters and
brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection.  I noticed
I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light
changed again, and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after
all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the
window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as
I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

Update Date October 1, 2001

DO YOU BELIEVE?

One summer, a drought threatened the crop in a small town.  On a hot
and dry Sunday, the village parson told his congregation, "There isn't
anything that will save us except to pray for rain.  Go home, pray,
believe, and come back next Sunday ready to thank God for sending
rain."

The people did as they were told and returned to church the following
Sunday.  But as soon as the parson saw them, he was furious.

"We can't worship today.  You do not yet believe," he said.

"But," they protested, "we prayed, and we do believe."

"Believe?" he responded. "Then where are your umbrellas?"

SO MANY BLONDE JOKES

Why are there so many blonde jokes?

So that redheads and brunettes have something to talk about on
Saturday night.

SUSHI BAR

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to
lawyers?

It's called, Sosumi.

Update Date October 8, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

ANOTHER SADDAM STORY

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when 
his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily-accented voice said. 
"This is Yitzhak down in Tel Aviv, Israel. I am ringing to inform you that 
we are officially declaring war on you!" 

"Well, Yitzhak," Saddam replied, "This is important news! Tell me, how big 
is your army?" 

"At this moment in time," said Yitzhak after a moment's calculation, "there 
is me, my cousin Saul, my next-door neighbor Shlomo, and the entire pinochle 
team from the deli -- that makes eight!" 

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have 1 million men in my 
army waiting to move on my command." 

"Oy vey!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!" 

Sure enough, the next day Yitzhak rang back. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is 
still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" 

"And what equipment would that be, Yitzhak?" Saddam asked. 

"Well, we have two combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Goldberg's tractor 
from the kibbutz." 

Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Yitzhak, that I have 16 thousand 
tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 
one and a half million since we last spoke." 

"Really?!" said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Yitzhak 
rang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have 
managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Moshe's ultralight with a 
couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" 

Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Yitzhak that I 
have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MIG-19 attack planes, my military 
complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and 
since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million." 

"Oy gevalt!", said Yitzhak, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, 
Yitzhak called again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell 
you that we have had to call off the war." 

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" 
"Well," said Yitzhak, "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 
two million prisoners. 

A SMALL FAVOR

I HAVE A FEW FRIENDS WHICH HAVE JUST WRITTEN ME . THEY  COMING TO 
VISIT FROM PAKISTAN AND HAVE NO PLACE TO STAY THEY HAVE ALL THEIR 
CAMPING EQUIPMENT IN ORDER TO SAVE MONEY IN HOUSING, SO I AM ASKING 
YOU TO RECEIVE THEM AND TO PLEASE GIVE THEM A PLACE TO CAMP OR
STAY.. MAYBE AT YOUR MOTHER IN LAWS' HOUSE...

SINCE I KNOW YOU ARE VERY KIND AND WILL NOT REFUSE THIS FAVOR, I HAVE 
TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF GIVING THEM YOUR NAME, ADDRESS, AND MANY OF YOUR 
PHONE NUMBERS WHERE THEY CAN REACH YOU THEY LIKE TO TRAVEL IN MERCEDES 
BENZ, SOMETIMES A GREEN ONE OR A WHITE ONE...OR SOMETMES BOTH OF THEM..

I AM ENCLOSING A PICTURE OF THEM SO IT WILL BE EASIER FOR YOU TO 
RECOGNIZE THEM WHEN THEY ARRIVE...

THANKS A MILLION...

SINCERELY,

OSAMA BIN LADEN


Update Date October 14, 2001

FIRST CHILD?

A man frantically calls 911 and says, "Help!  My wife has gone into
labor, and her contractions are three minutes apart!"

911 Operator:  "Is this her first child?"

Man:  "Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband!"

LAST DAY OF KINDERGARTEN

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.  She shook it, held it
up, and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.  She
held it up, shook it, and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's a box
of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son.  The teacher held
it up and saw that it was leaking.  She touched a drop with her finger
and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.  "Is it champagne?"
she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?"

"A puppy!"

Update Date October 22, 2001

DRINKING BUDDIES

A Texan, a Californian, and Oregonian are out riding horses.

The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a long
draught, then another, and suddenly throws it into the air, pulls out
his gun and shoots the bottle in midair.

The Californian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?  That was
a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"

The Texan says, "In Texas, there is plenty of whiskey, and the bottles
are cheap."

A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a
bottle of wine, takes a few sips, throws the wine into the air, pulls
out his gun, and shoots it in midair.

The Oregonian can't believe his eyes.  "What the heck did you do?
That was a perfectly good bottle of wine!"

The Californian says, "In California, we have plenty of wine, and
bottles are cheap."

So, a while later, the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of Widmer
Hefeweizen.  He opens it, takes a sip, and then chugs the whole
bottle.  He then puts the bottle in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun,
and shoots the Californian.

The Texan, shocked, says, "Why the hell did you do that?!"

The Oregonian replies, "In Oregon, we have plenty of Californians, and
the bottles are worth a nickel."


THE DIFFERENCE

Do you know the difference between doctors and God?

God doesn't think He's a doctor!


STORY WITH A MORAL

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
roaring.  He kept roaring and roaring, until a hunter came along and
shot him...

The moral:  When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


Update Date October 29, 2001

SEE A SPECIALIST

A man was suffering from a terrible infliction.  Every time he passed
gas, it said "Honda".  The man went to several specialists and none
could figure it out.  The man's wife was getting rather upset over the
whole deal and insisted he try to find help.

Finally, one day, the man's friend said jokingly, "Well if it says
'Honda' every time you pass gas, why don't you go to the Honda
dealership and see if they'll give you a job in advertising!"

The man realized that his friend might have an idea.  He went to the
Honda dealership and explained his problem.  The sales manager told
the man to wait a minute while he made a call to the Honda
manufacturer's doctor.  After a brief call, the sales manager looked
at the man and smiled.  "I think I have found the answer for you.
Have you been to the dentist lately?"

The man looked kind of surprised and said, "No.  Why?"

The salesman replied, "Well I just talked to the Japanese doctor at
the Honda plant, and he said he thinks you have an abscess tooth."

The man looked puzzled and asked, "Well what did he say?"

The sales manager looked at him and said, "The Japanese doctor said it
was simple:  Abscess makes the fart go 'Honda!'"

MEMORANDUM

Date  : Thursday, 18 October 2001 12:51:19 -0400 

From: The White House 

To: Albert Gore 

Dear Al: 

We found some more votes. You won. When do you want to take over? 

Sincerely, 

George W. Bush 


Update Date November 5, 2001

WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

COOKIE TIME

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

100.  One to make the batter, and 99 to peel the M&M's.

KIDDIE SURGERY

There were two young boys in the hospital, about to have surgery.
They were lying next to each other in the hallway, right before going
into their separate operating rooms.

The first boy says to the second, "What are ya in for?"

The second boy replies, "Having my tonsils out."

The first says, "Hey that's great!  You get all the ice cream you want
when you're through.  Good for you."

The second boy asks, "How about you, what you in for?"

"I'm being circumcised." says the first.

"Oh man, too bad for you!  I had that done when I was a baby, and I
couldn't walk for a year!"


Update Date November 12, 2001

AAADD
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

Anyone else have this problem?

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age
Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it
goes.....

I decide to wash the car, start toward the garage and
notice the mail on the table.

OK, I'm going to wash the car...

BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car
keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I
notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the
bills on my desk....

BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going
to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills....
Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there's only
one check left. Where did I put the extra checks?
Oh, there's my empty plastic cup from last night on my
desk. I'm going to look for those checks...

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I
head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the
flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the
counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the
kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just
put them away...

BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the
door and... Aaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the
wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water
the plants...

BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: car not washed, bills still unpaid, cup
still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check
left, lost my car keys; and, when I try to figure out
why nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I
KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is
serious... I'd get help...

BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.

NAMING CONVENTION
Submitted by Egay S. of LA.

Since history began, the Chinese always believed in the significance 
of one's name.  They have developed a very comprehensive system of naming 
one's children as it is believed that the name of a person strongly 
influences one's destiny and fate.
 
Astrologers, fortune tellers, academics and monks are consulted when
choosing a name for the new born.  The other cultures however, do not
really believe in it and tend to brush it off as superstition.  Whether you
believe it or not, however, the other cultures are not spared of this 
correlation.

For example, the Chinese surname LEE (Li) is associated with power and
success such as Lee Kuan Yew, Lee Teng Hui (Taiwanese president), Li 
Peng (China's ex PM), Li Ka Shing (HK tycoon) and LEE Iacocca - once 
Chrysler's chief. Lee Van Cliff, the actor. One very good example is Lee Iacocca,
whose first name IACOCCA stands for I Am Chairman Of Chrysler Corporation 
America

 - coincidence?

Look at the following familiar examples.
Mahathir (Malaysia's PM)- My Assets Halve After The Hit In Ringgit !
Suharto (Ex president of Indonesia) Should U Have Additional Rupiahs,
Throw Out!
Bush (ex American President) Beat Up Saddam Hussein !
However, no one can beat this latest casualty in bad naming Clinton
Call Lewinsky, I Need The Oral Now !
Osama - Oh Shit, America's Missile Again!
With all these, you better believe in the 5000 year old Chinese 
culture.

Make sure you choose a good name for your children.


Update Date November 19, 2001
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

AHEAD

Traditionally, Afghan women had to walk
10 feet behind their husbands.
Now they walk 20 feet in front.
Why this incredible reversal of roles?
LANDMINES!

COMPLAINTS

A person was carrying 3 babies in a train. The lady
next to him asked "Are they your babies?"  Man
replied, "No, I work in a condom factory, and they are
customer complaints!".


Update Date November 26, 2001

QUICKIES
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.


DREAMS
Submitted by Lee B.

Osama Bin Laden phoned President George W. Bush. 
"I had a dream about the United States," he said. 
I could see the whole country,and over every building 
and home was a banner," said Bin Laden. 

"What was on the banner?" asked Mr. Bush. 
"LONG LIVE OSAMA!" answered the terrorist. 
"I am so glad that you called," said President Bush, 
"because I too had a dream. In my dream, I saw 
Afghanistan and it was more beautiful than ever; 
totally rebuilt, and over every building and home was a 
big, beautiful banner." 

"What did the banner say?" asked Osama. "I don't know," 
answered President Bush, "I can't read Hebrew." 

Update Date December 3, 2001
BIG IN TEXAS
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he
arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats
are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in
Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed
between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The
bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of
beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was
located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The
blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and
skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which
lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared
to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"

SERGEANTS
Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior, were promoted from Privates to
Sergeants. Not long after, they were out for a walk and Bubba said,
"Hey,Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's me and you stop in and have a
drank."

"But we's privates," protested Junior.

"We's sergeants now," said Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, 
I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

But, we's privates," said Junior.

"You blind, boy?" asked Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's 
Sergeants now."
So they ordered their drinks and pretty soon a hooker came up to 
Bubba.

"You're kinda cute," she said, "and I'd like to take you someplace 
and make you feel good-but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea. "Bubba pulled 
his friend to the side and whispered, "Junior, go look in the dictionary
and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

Junior went to look it up, came back, and gave Bubba the big okay.

Three weeks later Bubba was laid up in the infirmary with a 
terrible case of gonorrhea.

"Junior," he said, "what you give me the okay for?"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it said gonorrhea only affects the
privates."

Then he pointed to his stripes and said, "But we's Sergeants!"

God Bless America

Update Date December 10, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

SIGNS YOU LIVE IN THE YEAR 2001...

 1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
 
 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
 three.
 
 3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
 emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
 
 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
 
 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa,
 but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor this year.
 
 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see
 if it contains Echinacea.
 
 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your
 newborn so she can create a screen saver.
 
 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see
 if anyone is home.
 
 9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the
 bottom of the screen.
 
 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now
 sells for half the price you paid.
 
 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't
 have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and
 turning around to go get it.
 
 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a
 purchase would be a hassle and take planning.
 
 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags
 out of the back seat of your car.
 
 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they
 do not have e-mail addresses.
 
 15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
 
 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
 
 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
 
 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
 
 19. You get an extra phone line (or a ADSL/cable modem) so you can
 get phone calls.
 
 20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as
 
 if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
 
 21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
 
 22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail
 on your way back to bed.
 
 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
 
 24. You're reading this.
 
 25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else
 

Update Date December 17, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

LETTER POWER

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to 
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing 
one letter and supply a new definition.  Here are the 2001 winners:
 
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
 
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
 
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of 
getting laid.
 
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
 
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person 
who doesn't get it.
 
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
 
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
 
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)
 
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really 
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, 
serious bummer.
 
Glibido: All talk and no action.
 
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they 
come at you rapidly.
 
And, the pick of the literature:
 
Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an asshole.

TRAINED

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids 
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the 
fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
 
The children started to discuss the dog's duties.
 
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
 
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
 
Then a third child brought the argument to a close...  "They use the 
dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Update Date December 31, 2001
Submitted by Lee B.

4 LESSONS OF BUSINESS
 

Lesson#1    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A 
small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you  and do 
nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the  rabbit 
sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox 
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. 
Management Lesson:  To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be 
sitting very, very high up. 
 
Lesson#2    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be 
able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't 
got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my 
droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey 
pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough 
strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating 
some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a forth night, 
there he  was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, he was 
promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. 
Management Lesson:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't 
 keep you there. 
 
Lesson#3    When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to 
be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole 
body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we 
carry the brain." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all 
the work and earn all the money." And, so it went, on and on with the 
heart, the lungs and the eyes, until finally the asshole spoke up.  All 
the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the 
asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a 
short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, 
the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.  Eventually they 
all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. 
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed 
out the shit! 
Management Lesson:   You don't need brains to be a Boss - any 
asshole will do. 

Lesson#4    A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was 
so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.  While it 
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the  frozen 
bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it 
was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and 
happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing 
and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird 
under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him! 
Management Lessons:     
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is 
your enemy. 
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut! 

These valuable lessons will help you get ahead in today's work 
environment. 

Update Date January 7, 2002

SEX VS DANCING
Submitted by Lee B.

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, 
meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks,"Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with 
men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your
permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always 
dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex?

Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah within marriage, to 
have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of
vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."

NEW PET

This guy was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a 
pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a
drink.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet.  This bothered him a bit,
but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again,
"How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer.
He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up
against the centipede's house and shouting,
"Hey, in there!  Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a 
drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time!  I'm
putting on my fucking shoes.

Update Date January 14, 2002

RAFFLE
Submitted by Lee B.

Morris, a nice Jewish boy moved to the country and bought a donkey 
from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next
day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have 
some bad news. The donkey died."
"Well, then, just give me my money back." "Can't do that. I went and
spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the donkey."
"What ya gonna do with him?"
"I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month
later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever 
happened with that dead donkey ?"
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 hundred tickets at two dollars apiece 
and made a profit of $998.
"Didn't anyone complain?"
"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

STAFF MEETING
Submitted by Sesenia O.

The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in
the middle of a particularly stressful week. When
everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of
having fun, told the burnt-out staff the purpose of the meeting 
was to have a quick contest, whose theme was "Viagra advertising 
slogans." Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was 
they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra.
      
About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and
created a "Top Ten List." After all the laughter and
camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.
     
10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].
3. Viagra, Tastes great!........More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!
      
And the unanimous number one slogan:
      
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs.


Update Date January 21, 2002

LIQUID VIAGRA
Submitted by Lee B.

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA
mykoxaphalentooldphyew) will soon be available in liquid form under 
the trade name of Mydixaflop.

Mydixaflop will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE 
PBG)as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as a mixer, under the 
name Mount And Do.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:"It will now be possible for a 
man to literally pour himself a stiff one."

BEING SENIOR CITIZEN
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

I am a Senior Citizen

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word
you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories - over and over and
over and over...

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as
bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private
care, dental care.

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting,
children, politicians.

I'm positive I did housework correctly before the
Internet.

Update Date January 28, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

REMINDERS

"Normal" is getting dressed in clothes that you buy
for work, driving through traffic in a car that you
are still paying for, in order to get to the job that
you need so you can pay for the clothes, car and the
house that you leave empty all day in order to afford
to live in it.
                   -------
It was a May-December marriage, and as the old man
climbed in to bed for the first time with his new
bride, he asked, "Did your mother tell you what to do
on your wedding night?"

"Yes," she cooed, kissing him lightly, "She told me
everything."

"Good," said the elderly gentleman as he turned out
the light, "because I've forgotten."

DANCING PARTNER

Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the
house. He goes into his parents room and finds them
having sex.
"What are you doing?" Johnny asks. "Uh, well, we're
dancing." replies his mother.

"What's daddy doing?"

"He's my partner, now run along."

A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sisters room
and catches her having sex with her boyfriend.

"What are you doing?"

"Ummm, dancing."

"What's your boyfriend doing?"

"He's my partner, now get out of here!"

Then Thanksgiving came around and Johnny's relatives
were at his house. Johnny went into the bathroom and
saw his grandfather beating his meat.

"What are you doing?" Johnny once again asks.

"Why I'm dancing." said his grandfather.

"Well, where is your partner?"

His grandfather replied, "When you've danced as long
as I have, you don't need a partner."

Update Date February 4, 2002

BROOM
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

A young Southern peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a
broom factory. After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week
notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she
was hard working, knew her tasks etc. He called her into his
office, "But why?" he asked.

"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise."

"No," she said.

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason.
Tell me."

"Okay if you must know..." said the girl, and she took
off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look, I
haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I
tell you..."

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear
and showed his, and said, "Ha ha...my dear, it's nature.
Look, I have it, too...."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit
now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown
the handle as well."

EXPLAIN
Submitted by Lee B.

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they 
made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, 
after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would 
break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the 
middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. 
She looked down...and saw her husband was holding a battery operated 
pleasure device...a vibrator...soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. 
She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at 
him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain 
yourself!" 

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly 
"I'll explain the toy... if you explain the kids." 

Update Date February 11, 2002

THE PLAN
Submitted by Lee B.

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW I I I ".
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 25 million Iraqis this time and one
bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart
ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 25 million Iraqis!"

DOGS IN NEED

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across
a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has
hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the
doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little
one.

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

"Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they
screw you every time!"

Update Date February 18, 2002

LOVE AT 100
 
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed 
away,  Katie went  straight to  her grandparent's 
house to visit her 95 year old  grandmother and
comfort her.   When she ask how her grandfather 
had died, her grandmother  replied, "He  had a heart  
attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." 
  
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people 
nearly 100  years old having sex  would  surely be 
asking for trouble.   "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. 
"Many years ago, realizing our   advanced age, we  
figured out the best time to do it was when the church 
bells would  start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. 
Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in  
on the Ding and out on  the Dong."  
  
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if  that   
damned  ice cream  truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive  
today!"   

A MAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST ...
Submitted by Sesenia O.
 
He's sitting at the table and 
his son is on the cover of the
box of Wheaties.

His mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
And his wife is on the back of 
the milk carton.


Update Date February 25, 2002

SPEED LIMIT

A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at
22 mph.  He turned on his lights and pulled the car over.  Approaching
the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the
front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand.  I
was doing exactly the speed limit.  What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?  I'm following the posted speed
exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the
route number, not the speed limit.

Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her
error.

Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car
okay?  These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer.  We just got off Route
119."

TOURING IRELAND

A group of Americans was touring Ireland.  One of the women in the
group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.  "The bus seats
are uncomfortable."  "The food is terrible."  "It's too hot."  "It's
too cold."  "The accommodations are awful."

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.  "Good luck
will be followin´ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the
guide said.  "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today, so no one will
be able to kiss it.  Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.  "We have some
other boring tour to go on.  So I guess we can't kiss the stupid
stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who
has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

LOVE, LAW, & SCIENCE

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the
possible merits of a mistress.

The artist tells of the passion, the thrill, which comes with the risk
of being discovered.

The lawyer warns of the difficulties.  It can lead to guilt, divorce,
bankruptcy.  Not worth it.  Too many problems.

The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened
to me.  My wife thinks I'm with my mistress.  My mistress thinks I'm
home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"


Update Date March 4, 2002
JUMPER

Two blondes were sitting watching the 10 o'clock news one night.  A
man was about to jump off a building, raising money for charity.

One of the blondes said to the other "I bet you $50 that man isn't
going to jump."

Her friend was happy enough and said, "Okay, that's a deal, $50 says
the man WILL jump."

The man on the news took his jump off the tall building.  "Fine, you
win.  Here's the $50," said the blonde betting he wouldn't jump.

But the other blonde confessed, "Actually, here, have your money back.
I watched the 6 o'clock news, I knew he was going to jump."

But the other blonde wouldn't take the money.  "No no, fair bet, you
won the money.  I saw the 6 o'clock news too.  I just didn't think
he'd jump twice"

LATE TO SCHOOL

Little Johnny walked into school late, went to his seat, and slammed
his books on top of his desk.

The teacher asked, "Johnny, why are you late?"

Johnny replied, "I was coming down the road with my goats and wagon,
and this car came around the curve and hit my goats right in the ass."

Shocked, the teacher said, "Johnny, you shouldn't say ass.  You should
say rectum."

"Rectum, hell!  It killed them both!" was Johnny's retort.


Update Date March 11, 2002
DEVIL WITH THE NEW DRESS

This couple just got married, and they were having problems getting
started.  The wife went out and bought a new, expensive dress.  When
she got home, her husband asked her why she spent the money on the
dress, knowing they could not afford it.

She said that she couldn't help it, that the devil made her do it.

He said, "But honey, why didn't you pray and ask the devil to get
behind you?"

She said, "I did, but he whispered, 'It looks good from behind here
too.'"

ANNUAL CHECKUP

Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc
asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.

So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year,
because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding
recently.

The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet.  You
probably put on a few pounds."

"That's just it, Doc.  I know I haven't gained a single pound since
the last time I wore it."

"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."

"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.

"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

A GOOD YEAR

What do you do with 365 used condoms?

You melt them down and make a tire out of them and call it a good
year.

Update Date March 18, 2002

JURY DUTY

Mrs. Jones was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused
because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her
personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running it's proper
course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and tried to convince
her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial!  It's a simple
civil lawsuit.  A wife is bringing this case against her husband
because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel
the kitchen for her birthday."

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve.  I guess I could be
wrong about capital punishment after all!"

WHAT DOES IT MEAN

After a two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery
case, the judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, "Has the jury
reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes, we have, your honor," The foreman responded.

"Please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the
bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it
to him.

After the judge read the verdict himself, he delivered the verdict
slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructed
the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant not guilty of all four counts of bank robbery,"
stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jumped for joy at the verdict
and hugged each other as they shouted expressions of divine gratitude.

The man's attorney turned to his client and asked, "So, what do you
think about that?"

The defendant, with a bewildered look on his face, turned to his
attorney and says, "I'm confused.  Does this mean that I have to give
all the money back?"


Update Date March 25, 2002
Submitted by Lee B.

NEVADA

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks
stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight
up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want
your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of
money you could have one of my finest ladies and a
three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't
horny, I'm homesick."

USEFUL MATH

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than
100%?  We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 
100%.
How about achieving 103%?  Here's a little math that might prove
helpful.
What makes life 100%?

If  A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented
as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,
H A R  D W  O  R  K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

K N O W L E D G E =11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,

A T  T  I T  U  D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,
B U  L  L  S  H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you 
close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

IT'S NOT FAT

A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks 
than the British or Americans.
B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer 
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.
D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans

Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that 
kills you.


Update Date April 1, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

BENEFITS OF MARRIAGE

On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the
banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his
friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage
of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from
all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the
best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty,
forbearance, meekness, self-restraint,
forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you
wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

MORE BENEFITS

John got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday
morning and set about all the chores he'd been putting off for
weeks.

He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was
halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up
in the driveway and yelled out her window, "Say, what
do you get for yard work?"

John thought for a minute, then answered, "The lady
who lives here, lets me sleep with her."


Update Date April 8, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

DAD'S OCCUPATION

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the teacher on
the first day of the new academic year.

"He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?"

"He saws people in half."

"Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?"

"One half brother and two half sisters."

CAREER CHOICES

A man is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to
be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," the man replies.

To which his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a
career..."

"Yes, I suppose, but he thinks garbage collectors only work on
Tuesdays!"


A QUICK FIX

Bert has this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left
all the time.  It used to bother him, so he suggested his buddy Louie
should see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.

For years, Louie refused... told Bert he was crazy.  Last week, Louie
finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was
1/4" shorter than his right.

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, Louie was cured, and both
legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

"So," Bert says, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could
fix your leg."

Louie just looked at Bert and said, "I stand corrected."


SHOPPING

A blonde went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.
The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much
milk.

"I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath."

The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No," replied the blonde, "just up to my chin."


Update Date April 15, 2002

DEATH NOTICE

When a man died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper,
adding that he died of gonorrhea.  No sooner were the papers
delivered, than good family friend phoned and complained bitterly.
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day, so of course I knew he
died of diarrhea.  But, I thought it would be better for posterity to
remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh** he always was."

WORK FOR A MEAL

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat-looking farmhouse and raps
gently on the door.  When the farm owner answered, the hobo asked him,
"Please, sir, could you give me something to eat?  I haven't had a
good meal in several days."

The owner replied, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying
goods for people.  I've never given anything away for nothing.
However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and
a clean paintbrush.  If you will paint my porch, I will give you a
good meal."

So the hobo went around back, and a while later, he again knocked on
the door.  The owner said, "Finished already?  Good.  Come on in.  Sit
down.  The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo said, "Thank you very much, sir.  But there's something that
I think you should know.  It's not a Porsche you got there.  It's a
BMW."

Update Date April 29, 2002

COWBOY
Submitted by Lee B.

While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding
along with a dog and sheep and began a conversation.
    
Cowboy:  "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to 
him?"
    
Indian:  "Dog no talk."
   
Cowboy:  "Hey dog, how's it going?"
    
Dog:  "Doin' alright."
    
Indian:  Look of shock.
    
Cowboy:  "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the 
Indian.
    
Dog:  "Yep"
    
Cowboy:  "How does he treat you?"
    
Dog:  "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
     great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
    
Indian:  Look of total disbelief.
    
Cowboy:  "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
    
Indian:  "Horse no talk."
    
Cowboy:  "Hey horse, how's it going?"
    
Horse:  "Cool."
    
Indian:  Extreme look of shock.
    
Cowboy:  "Is this your owner?" pointing at Indian
    
Horse:  "Yep"
    
Cowboy:  "How's he treat you?"
    
Horse:  "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me
     regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a
     shed to protect me."
    
Indian:  Total look of utter amazement.
    
Cowboy:  "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
    
Indian:  "Sheep liar."

OH MAN
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

A man and his golf-ignorant girlfriend are driving
along in their car after the couple has come from the
golf club. Because of his movements, the tees in
his pocket fall out.
His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things
that just fell out of your pockets?"
"Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them
when I'm driving."
"Oh well. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer."

Update Date May 20, 2002

EMBARASSING COMFESSION
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

While waiting to catch a plane in the Atlanta airport, I decided to 
stop at a restroom. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second 
one.

I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the first stall ask, 
"Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in restrooms, and I 
really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little
embarrassed: "Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this 
was too weird!   So I said: "Well, just like you, I'm waiting to board a jet."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call
you back. There's some idiot in the next stall answering all the 
questions I am asking you!"

THE $300 SHOES
Submitted by Lee B.

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months, he walks to work 
every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks 
in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. 
After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and 
purchases them. 

Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at 
the church basement, so Giorgio seizes the opportunity to wear 
his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance. 

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, you 
wear red panties tonighta yes?" 
Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, 
but how do you know?" Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my 
new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes." 

Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her, 
"Rosa, you wear white panties tonighta  yes?" 

Rose answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?" He 
answers "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes." 

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, 
Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Mid way through the dance his 
face turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please 
tell me you wear no panties tonighta, please, please, tella me this 
true 
"Carmella answers, "Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight." 

Giorgio gasps and says ...."Thanka God ... I thought I had a CRACK 
in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes."

Update Date May 27, 2002

BEING OVER 50
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into 
the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national 
weather service.
19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't 
remember them either.
20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
21. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Update Date June 3, 2002
Submitted by Lee B.

FEELING OLD
Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this
will certainly change things. Each year the staff at
Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try
to give the Faculty a sense of the mindset of this
year's incoming freshman.

Here is this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the
nation were born in 1983.

They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era
and probably did not  know he had ever been shot.

They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.

There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.

They were 10 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not
remember the Cold War.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Tianamen Square means nothing to them.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

The expression "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.

They have never owned a record player.

They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.

They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc
was introduced when they were 1 year old.

They have always had an answering machine.

Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor
have they seen a black and white TV.

They have always had cable.

There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about
the "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

Feeling old Yet? There's more:

They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.

Roller skating has always meant inline for them.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They have never seen Larry Bird play.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI,
WWII and the Civil War.

They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The
correct answer, by the way, is Ork)

They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile
for a Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"

They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places,
not bands...

There has always been MTV.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to some
other old fogies...
but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough.

Update Date June 10, 2002
Submitted by Pepe.

OLD FRIEND

A man went to see an old friend of his who is an executive with a
large corporation.  Pulling out all the stops, the visitor said, "I'm
at my wit's end.  I haven't worked for six months.  My unemployment is
about to run out, my wife is working two part-time jobs just to put
food on the table, and to top it all off, the house is going into
foreclosure!"

His friend the executive said, "Stop!  I can't take this."

Pushing his intercom button he says to his secretary, "Jane, throw
this man out.  He's breaking my heart."

HE GOES NUTS

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a thin, bearded man on a small
island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I have no idea...but every year when we pass, he just goes nuts."


Update Date June 17, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN AND MAN 

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France, gently aging but still a
warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by
past mistakes.  Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
un-patrolled.  The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan.  Most everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH 

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was 
God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a 
Californian:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a 
woman:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just 
didn't get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work 
for Him to do

Update Date June 24, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood.  On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling
a big juicy steak on his grill.  Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were
eating cold tuna fish for supper.  This went on each Friday of Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and
decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them
to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and, they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic.  They went over
and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbors and become a Catholic.  They took him to Church, and the
Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a
Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was
resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around.  The first Friday of Lent
came. and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down
to their cold tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak
cooking on a grill.  The neighborhood men could not believe their
noses!  WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to
see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.  The group
arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small
pitcher of water.  He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the
grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now
you are a fish."

HOSPITAL VISIT

In the admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling
out forms, others were being interviewed, and still others were being
escorted to their rooms.

An elderly woman hesitantly entered my cubicle.  She had completed her
admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards.
I typed the necessary information and then asked her the reason for
her coming to the hospital.

"Just to visit a friend," she said, "but I'm not sure I have time
now."

Update Date July 1, 2002

RIGHT EXERCISE

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze
class was in full swing.  The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the
necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you.  Walking is
especially beneficial.  And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take
the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.  Finally, a man in the middle of the group
raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

CHOICE OF A CAREER

A man is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to
be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," the man replies.

To which his friend responds, "Strange ambition to have for a
career..."

"Yes, I suppose, but he thinks garbage collectors only work on
Tuesdays!"

A QUICK FIX

Bert has this friend who always seemed to lean slightly to the left
all the time.  It used to bother him, so he suggested his buddy Louie
should see a doctor, and have his legs checked out.

For years, Louie refused... told Bert he was crazy.  Last week, Louie
finally went, and sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was
1/4" shorter than his right.

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, Louie was cured, and both
legs are exactly the same length now, and he no longer leans.

"So," Bert says, "You didn't believe me when I told you a doctor could
fix your leg."

Louie just looked at Bert and said, "I stand corrected."

SHOPPING

A blonde went into the grocery and asked for fifty gallons of milk.
The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much
milk.

"I have a skin problem and the doctor prescribed a milk bath."

The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?"

"No," replied the blonde, "just up to my chin."

Update Date July 8, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

OH NOOOO...

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around,
then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart
escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to
see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales
person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, and there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely
vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are
going to shit when you hear the price.

NOW YOU KNOW

Three British educational institutions were commissioned by
the government to discover why the human penis is the shaped
the way it is.

Oxford University allocated a budget of $500,000 for
research. After 2 years, they concluded that the reason the
head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits
better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent
leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful
fertilization.

Cambridge University spent $750,000 on a research program
that lasted 3 years. The results showed that the penis
widened near the tip because it maximized the number of
nerve endings stimulated during sex. This would lead to
increased sensitivity and a better chance of impregnation.

Finally, the Open University spent $2.50 on a copy of Playboy
and 10 minutes in the staff toilet, only to discover that the
penis widens at the tip in order to prevent your hand from
slipping off the end.

Update Date July 15, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

LITTLE JOHNNY OUT FOR A RIDE

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her
7-year-old old son, Little Johnny.  She tried to keep up with traffic
but they were flying by her.  After getting caught in a large group of
cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she
was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that
left her in the dirt.  She looks up and sees the flashing lights of a
police car.  Pulling over, she waited for the officer to come up to
her car.  As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you
over?"

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do!  Because you
couldn't catch the other cars!"


SENSITIVE GUY

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.  They talk, they connect, and
they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment,
she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly
teddy bears.  Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way
along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,
and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection
of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides
not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive
side.

She turns to him ... they kiss ... and then they rip each other's
clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are
lying there together in the afterglow; the woman rolls over and asks,
smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The man says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."


Update Date July 22, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

ONLY MARRIED MEN

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable
factory that hires only married men. Concerned about
this, a local woman called on the manager and asked
him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married
men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb,
cantankerous...or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is
because our employees are used to obeying orders, are
accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep
their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

FLOWERS

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down
the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead
happens to see her boyfriend purchasing flowers. The redhead sighs and
says, "Oh, crap! My boyfriend is buying me flowers again!"

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal?
Don't you like getting flowers?"

The redhead says, "Oh sure... but he always has "expectations" after
giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three
days on my back with my legs in the air!"

The blonde says .... "Don't you have a vase?"

Update Date July 22, 2002
Submitted by Lee B.

BEST INVESTMENT

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, 
it would now be worth $49.00. 
If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Coors (the beer, not the stock) 
one year ago, drank all the beer, then traded in the cans at a 
redemption center for the nickel deposit, you would have $107.00. 

Given the current conditions of the economy, my advice is to 
drink heavily and recycle. 

CELEBRITIES ON SEX

1) "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, 

     wholesome things that money can buy."   --Tom Clancy 

2) "You know that 'look' women get when they want sex? Me 

    neither." --Steve Martin 

3) "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as 

    meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." 
    --Drew Carey 

4) "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good 

    partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen 

5) "If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at 

    all."--Rodney Dangerfield 

6) "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on 

    Saturday night." --Woody Allen 

7) "I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." 

        --George Burns 

8) "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting 

       married." --Matt Barry 

9) "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog 

      vacation at the taxidermist." --Camille Paglia 

10) "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." 

             --George Burns 

11) "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The 

    other eight are unimportant." -- Henry Miller 

12) "The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 

       362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God 

       doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." 

        --Lynn Lavner 


Update Date August 5, 2002
Submitted by Lee B.	

LIQUID VIAGRA

Pfizer Corp. (PFE) is making the announcement today that
Viagra will soon be available in liquid form.  It will be
marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use as-is or as a mixer, under the name "Mount and
Do."

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:
"It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one."

MARTHA AND EDNA

Martha and Edna, two widows, are talking

Martha: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date . . . I know 
you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him 
before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment 
punctually at 7 PM. And dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit. 
And he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, 
and what's there but a beautiful car . . . a limousine, uniformed 
chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. .

marvelous dinner - lobster. Then we go see a show . .. . let me tell 
you,Martha, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! 
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way 
with me two times!"

Martha: "Goodness gracious! . . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go 
out with him?"

Edna: "No . . . I'm just saying, wear an old dress

Update Date August 12, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, Tx.	

STUPID LABELS

Actual stupid label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sear's hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.   (darn, and that's the only time I 
have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos:
"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."        (and that would be
how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."      (but, it's "just" a 
suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down."     (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."     (...and you 
thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."     (but wouldn't this save me more
time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication."     (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction
accidents if we could just get t hose 5-year-olds with head-colds off
those  forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."           (and...I'm taking this
because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."        (as opposed to..what)?

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."    (now, somebody out 
there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."       (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."   (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly
Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."    (I don't 
blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."  (Oh 
my...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the
stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to  
(maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to
smile every once in a while.

Update Date August 19, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, Tx.	
THE FASTEST THING

Four Cajuns were sitting around a campfire near the
Atchafalaya Basin. They were "philosophizing" on what was
the fastest thing in the world.

Boudreaux said, "I tink de fassest ting in the werld is a
'tought', because before you ken tink of it it's already
tought."

Thibodeaux said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is a
'blink' because before you ken tink about it you dun blunk
already."

Alfonse said, "No, the fassest ting in the werld is
lectricity because when you turn dat light switch on de
lectricity travels fass-fass and the lights come on before
you know it."

T-Boy said, "Ya'll all wrongg, the fassest ting in the werld
is diarrhea." Everyone asked, "Diarrhea?!" T-Boy said, "Yea,
lass night before I could tink, blink, or turn on de lights,
I don shit in ma pants."

BRA SIZES

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the 
letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered, but couldn't figure out 
what the letters stood for...it is about time you became informed!

{A} - Almost Boobs...

{B} - Barely there.

{C} - Can't Complain!

{D} - Damn!

{DD} - Double damn!

{E} - Enormous!

{F} - Fake.

Update Date August 26, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, Tx.	

CHILI

A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of
the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order,
he says, "I'll take the cold chili."

"I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says
the waitress.

"Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."

After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got
the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and
the chili bowl is still full.

He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other man replies, "No."

"Would you sell it to me?"

"You can have it for free if you want it."

So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he
gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in
the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I
got, too."

GENDER

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?"
she asked.   "Hunting Flies" he responded.

"Oh, killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


Update Date Sept. 2, 2002

THAT'S WHEN

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright
as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her
father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual
images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the
church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the
reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said.  "That was when mommy came to work for us?"

HUNDRED DOLLAR FOR A PORSCHE

A man was reading the paper, when an ad caught his eye:  $100 Porsche!
New!  The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for
$100, and he thought it might be a joke or a typo.  He soon decided it
was worth a shot.  He went to the lady's house, and sure enough, she
had an almost-brand-new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said.  "Can I take it for a test drive?"  Unlike what
he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back
to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $100?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could
have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and
sent him the money."

EMERGENCY

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so she eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road.  She carefully steps out of the
car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of
the vehicle, where they stand facing oncoming traffic and  begin
opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching
drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway
occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up.  The cop, clearly
enraged, runs  toward the blonde owner of the disabled vehicle
yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

She replied, "Those are my emergency flashers!"


Update Date Sept. 9, 2002

THE SAHARA FOREST

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they
were looking for a good lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his
axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.  The head lumberjack
took one look at the little man and told him to scram.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny
man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack.

"Take your axe and go cut it down!"

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back
knocking on the lumberjack's door.  "I cut the tree down," said the
little man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get
the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back..."Oh sure, that's what they
call it now!

WANT FRIES WITH THAT?

A blond walked into a library and said, "Can I have a burger and fries
please?"

And the librarian said, "Excuse me, but this is a library."

So the blond said, "Oh!" and whispers, "I'll have a burger and fries
please."


Update Date Sept. 16, 2002

THE LONE RANGER

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
party.  The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone
Ranger.  In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in
three days.  But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on
his back.  As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.  "You have a
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.
What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.  Silver is brought
to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.  Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive
than the blonde.  She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the
night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.  "You are
indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow.
"What is your last request."

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."  The
Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully.  For the last time,
I said, 'BRING POSSE!'"

ASK A STUPID QUESTION

An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined.  The lawyer
thundered, "Have you ever been married?"

"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice.  "Once."

"Whom did you marry?"

"Well, a woman."

The lawyer said angrily, "Of course you married a woman.  Did you ever
hear of anyone marrying a man?"

The witness said meekly, "My sister did."


Update Date Sept. 23, 2002
Submitted by Lee B.

THE GIFT
 

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. 
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able 
to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, " I built a big house for our mother".

The second said, " I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said," I've got you both beat." 

"You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. 
I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah.
It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute 
$1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name 
the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.

She wrote to the first son, 
"Milton, the house you built is so huge.  I live in only one room, but I have 
to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son, 
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never used 
the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."

She wrote to the third son, 
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what 
your mother likes." 

"The chicken was delicious."

TREAT
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

A woman strode angrily into the large
drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the
counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked "What was the problem? Wouldn't your
cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered,
"Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant
for cats?"

Update Date Sept. 30, 2002

NEVER CAME UP
Submitted by Lee B.

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in
the mirror.  He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the
breasts of a 25-year-old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50-year-old
a**?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

TO BE SIX AGAIN
Submitted By gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

Excellent moral to this story! To be six again............

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday."I'd love 
to be six again," she replied. 

On the morning of her birthday, he got her 
up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! 
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, 
the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered 
out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right 
to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac 
along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off 
to a movie -the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola 
and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into 
bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being 
six again?"One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's 
still gonna get it wrong.

Update Date Oct. 7, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

DIARY OF A NEWLYWED BLONDE

Dear Diary,

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it's
fun to cook for Bob. Today I made an angel food cake and the
recipe said, "Beat 12 eggs separately."  Well, I didn't have
enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat
the eggs in.  The cake turned out fine.

Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said,
serve without dressing." So I didn't dress. But, Bob happened to
bring a friend home for supper that night.  Did they ever look
startled when I served the salad.

Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said,
"Wash thoroughly before steaming the rice."  So I heated some
water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda
silly in the middle of the week.  I can't say it improved the
rice any.

Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one
hour before serving."  I hunted all over the garden by my mom's.
So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there
one hour so the dog would not take it.  Bob came over and asked
if I felt all right.  I wonder why?

Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, "Put
all ingredients in a bowl and beat it."  Beat it I did, right
over to my mom's house.  There must have been something wrong
with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked
the same as when I left it.

Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He
asked me to dress it for Sunday. I'm sure I don't know how hens
dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a
doll dress and some little shoes.  I thought the hen looked real
cute.  When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.

Sunday: Today Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger.  So I put it
in the oven and set the controls for roast.  Must be the oven,
because it still came out hamburger.

Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am
eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

Update Date Oct. 14, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

WOMEN DRIVERS
     
My name is John Doe. Driving to my office this morning on Calif.
Interstate 5 near Laguna Woods, I looked over my shoulder to the 
left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang, with her face 
up next to the rear view mirror putting on her eye makeup.
     
I looked away for a few seconds, and when I looked back, there 
she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her eye liner.
     
It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked 
The Krispy Kreme out of my other hand. In all the confusion, of 
trying to straighten out the car with my knees against the steering 
wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my earwhich fell into my 
Starbucks coffee between my legs, splashed and burned BIG BOB and 
the TWINS, ruined the phone and disconnected an important call.
     
DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!

Update Date Oct. 21, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

MYSTERY DEATHS
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care Unit where patients
always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., 
regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some, perhaps many, even thought that it 
had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery 
as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m.on Sundays.

So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate
the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes 
before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to 
see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were 
holding wooden crosses, Bibles, prayer books and other holy objects to ward
off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11... "Pookie" Johnson, the part-time 
Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so 
that he could use the vacuum cleaner.

IN MOURNING

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten 
out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging 
her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to 
meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after 
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude 
except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, 
but down there I am still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. - The following night, the 
same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in 
his birthday suit, except that on his erection he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

Update Date Oct. 28, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

COMPUTER SKILLS

When Suzy decided to improve her computer skills, she threw herself
into it with enthusiasm.  Every week she'd check out two or three
instructional books from the library.

After about a month, the librarian commented, "Wow!  You must really
be getting knowledgeable at this stuff."

"Thanks," Suzy said.  "What makes you say that?"

The librarian answered, "Only one of the books you're checking out
this week has 'For Dummies' in the title."


IF YOU HAD WHAT I HAVE

A guy walks into a bar.  He rushes over to the counter and says to the
bartender, "Quick!  Give me 10 martinis!"

The bartender sees that the guy is in some sort of hurry, so he pours
the drinks.  The guy starts to drink them down as fast as he can.
Double-fisted and all.  So the bartender asks the guy, "What's the
hurry?"

The guy says, "If you had what I have, you'd be drinking as fast as
you can, too."

The bartender says, "I'm so sorry to hear that.  What do you have?"

The guy says, "Seventy-five cents!"

Update Date Nov 4, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

GOOD CHECK-UP

A 65-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing
and singing.  Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.  He
watches her awhile, then says, "You look ridiculous!  What on earth
are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up, and my doctor says I have the
breasts of an eighteen-year-old."  She starts laughing and jumping
again.

He says, "Yeah, right.  And what did he say about your 65-year-old
a**?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."

SPECIAL TREATMENT

A lawyer died and went to heaven.  St. Peter met him at the Pearly
Gates with a host of Angels and ushered him into heaven ahead of
everyone else.

The lawyer asked, "Why all this special treatment?"

St. Peter replied, "We don't get very many of your profession up
here."

Update Date Nov 11, 2002
Submitted by Lee B.

THE LAST WORDS

"Don't mess with these ladies":	
  
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. 
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened 
his trench coat and flashed her.
  
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not 
your stub."
  
  
"Let's go for stupid":
  
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but 
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
  
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
  
"Caught for speeding":
  
The cop got out of his car and the kid that was stopped for speeding, rolled 
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
  
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
  
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without 
a ticket.
  
"Stuck under a bridge":
  
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 
"low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and 
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. 
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around 
to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
  
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
  
"Drunk?" :
  
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and 
one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. 
You're obviously drunk".
  
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
  
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
  
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."
 
"Dealing with trouble":
  
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. 

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed 
almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy 
and Muhammad Ali too.
  
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably 
better than Houdini."
  
The giant nodded.
  
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong 
you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see 
just how quickly you can break out of them?"
  
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. 
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
  
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. 
"I can't do it."
  
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
  
  
"Too Late":
  
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and 
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along the side of the street, he 
was stopped by a policeman.
  
"What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
  
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
  
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
  
"My wife," said the man.

Update Date Nov 18, 2002

WELL-TRAINED SNAKE

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized
he had forgotten to bring any bait.  Just then, he happened to see a
little snake passing by who had caught a worm.  The fisherman snatched
up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up
again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his
fishing.

An hour or so later, the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg.
Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms.

SWAP

Fred and Harry took their lunches to the local cafe to eat.

"Hey!" shouted the proprietor.  "You can't eat your own food in here!"

"Okay," said Fred.  So he and Harry swapped their sandwiches.

Update Date Nov. 25, 2002

SALES APPROACH

A young insurance salesman called on a prospect who was the general
sales manager for a large company.

"You don't want to buy any insurance today, do you?" timidly asked the
young man.

"I certainly don't!" snapped the manager.

"I didn't think so," the salesman said faintly, as he edged towards
the door.

"Hold it!" roared the manager.  And then he addressed the trembling
young man sternly:  "My job is to hire and train salesmen, but Mister,
you're about the worst salesman I have ever seen.  You'll never sell
anything by asking people if they don't want to buy.  But because
you're so obviously new at the job, I'm going to buy a $50,000 policy
right now.  Get out an application blank!"

Fumbling, the salesman finally found an application blank, and the
deal was closed.  As the salesman prepared to depart, the manager
said, "I've got some advice for you, son - learn a few organized sales
talks!"

"I have already done that, sir," replied the salesman.  "I have a
standard talk for every type of prospect. You've just heard the
approach I use with sales managers."

Update Date Dec. 2, 2002

LITTLE OLD WOMAN

Defense Attorney:  What is your age?

Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

D.A.:  Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

L.O.W.:  There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a
warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch
and sat down beside me.

D.A.:  Did you know him?

L.O.W.:  No, but he sure was friendly.

D.A.:  What happened after he sat down?

L.O.W.:  He started to rub my thigh.

D.A.:  Did you stop him?

L.O.W.:  No, I didn't stop him.

D.A.:  Why not?

L.O.W.:  It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away
some 30 years ago.

D.A.:  What happened next?

L.O.W.:  He began to rub my breasts.

D.A.:  Did you stop him then?

L.O.W.:  No, I did not stop him.

D.A.:  Why not?

L.O.W.:  Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited.  I haven't felt that good in years!

D.A.:  What happened next?

L.O.W.:  Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs
and said to him, "Take me, young man.  Take me!"

D.A.:  Did he take you?

L.O.W.:  Hell, no.  He just yelled, "April Fool!"  And that's when I
shot the son of a b****!

DEM BONES

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History were marveling
at the dinosaur bones.  One of them asked the guard, "Can you tell me
how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replied, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months
old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.  "How do you know
their age so precisely?"

The guard answered, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years
old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years
ago."

Update Date Dec. 9, 2002
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

SPEED LIMIT

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a 
State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to 
himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights 
and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five 
old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as 
ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't 
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that 
driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower 
than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... twenty-two 
miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, 
trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not 
the speed limit. 

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for 
pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is 
everyone in this car  OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered 
a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a 
minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Update Date Dec. 16, 2002

BOY SCOUT KNIFE

He was so in love with her that he offered her anything that she may desire.

"All I want," she cooed, "is a solid gold Boy Scout knife."

"But you can have anything in the world!" exclaimed the stunned suitor.

"That's all I want." cooed the doll.

When he brought her the solid gold Boy Scout knife, she beamed happily.

"Are you sure that this is all that you want to make you happy?"
inquired the still mystified suitor.  "What are you going to do with it?"

She opened a hope chest to put the knife inside, thereby revealing
hundreds of similar gold Boy Scout knives.

"But....but...WHY?" stammered the confused man.

"Well," she explained, "right now I'm very young and beautiful and
everybody wants me.  But when I grow old, and not so attractive and
desirable...can you imagine what a Boy Scout will do for one of these
knives?"

NUN'S DAY OUT

Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent.  They had never
seen a baseball game, so they got tickets.  Once inside, they sat in
the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've
never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it
up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"


Update Date Dec. 23, 2002

TRAINED PARROT

This guy goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot.  There, he sees a parrot
with a red string tied to its left leg and a green string tied to it's
right leg.  He asks the owner the significance of the strings.

"Well, this is a highly trained parrot.  If you pull the red string,
he speaks French; if you pull the green string, he speaks German,"
replies the shop keeper.

"And what happens if I pull both the strings?" our curious shopper
inquires.

"I'll fall off my perch, you fool!" screeches the parrot.

Update Date Dec. 30, 2002

ANSWERING SERVICE

The company where my brother worked had a phone system that rerouted
after-hours calls.  If any calls came in on a certain line while he
was working late, Bill knew it would be a wrong number.

It got to the point where, as soon as the phone rang, Bill would pick
up and say, "Psychic Hotline.  I'm sorry, but you've dialed the wrong
number."

The callers would often reply with something like, "I didn't even ask
to speak to anyone yet.  How did you know I dialed the wrong...Oh!"
(click)


BAKERY GOODS

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all the
rich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.

When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?"

He answered, "I'd like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut,
that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."

Then with a sigh he added, "But I'll take an oat-bran muffin."

Update Date Jan. 6, 2003

TIE

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, then
he saw something, far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a
little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties
laid out.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have
some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?
Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need
water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie.  But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell
you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant.
Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and
eventually disappeared out of sight.

Three hours later he returned.

The man at the card table asked, "I told you, about 5 miles over that
hill.  Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right.  They wouldn't let me in without a tie."


SAFETY RECORD

First pilot:  "I heard you got a new position with Earhart Air.  Don't
they have kind of a lousy safety record?"

"I'll say," answered the second pilot.  "Last week, two of their
flight simulators collided."

Update Date Jan. 13, 2003

WHO'S DRIVING?

Two fish are in a tank.  One says to the other, "Do you know how to
drive this thing?"

GUESS

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies.

This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and
instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess
who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess
where!"

Update Date Jan. 20, 2003

MANAGEMENT MATERIAL

A man working the produce department of a large grocery store was
approached by a customer who asked if he could buy half a head of
lettuce.  "We don't normally do that," he explained, but the customer
was very insistent.

Finally, he told him he would go in the back and ask his manager.  He
walked straight back and found his manager and said, "You won't
believe this but there is some idiot who wants to buy half a head of
lettuce."  Just then he noticed that the customer had followed him and
was standing right behind him.  He immediately continued with, "And
this fine gentleman is willing to buy the other half."

After the customer departed with his lettuce, the manager approached
the produce man and said, "That was very quick thinking.  We can use a
man like you to manage our new store we're opening in Canada.  What do
you say?"

The man said, "Canada!  The only people that live in Canada are
hookers and hockey players."

This upset the manager very much who said, "MY WIFE HAPPENS TO BE FROM
CANADA!"

The employee quickly replied, "Very interesting sir, and which team
did she play for?"


ORGANIC VEGETABLES

The other day, it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to
go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables.

She came back rather upset.  When I asked her what was wrong, she
said, "I don't think I like that produce guy.  I went and looked
around for your organic vegetables and I couldn't find any.  So I
asked him where the organic vegetables were."

"He didn't know what I was talking about, so I said, 'These vegetables
are for my husband.  Have they been sprayed with any poisonous
chemicals?'"

"And he said, 'No, ma'am.  You'll have to do that yourself.'"

Update Date Jan. 27, 2003

THE CARDIAC SPECIALIST

A cardiac specialist died, and at his funeral, the coffin was placed
in front of a huge mock-up of a heart made up of flowers.  When the
pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said
their  goodbyes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the
heart closed.

Just then, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked, "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

HOME IS WHERE THE AIRPLANE IS

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an
older woman hugging him as he left the house.  "Is that your
grandmother?" I asked.

"Yes," Chris said.  "She's come to visit us for Christmas."

"How nice," I said.  "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied.  "Whenever we want her, we just go
out there and get her."

Update Date Feb. 3, 2003

ROAD RAGE

A man is driving down a road, and a woman is driving down the same
road from the opposite direction.  As they pass each other, the woman
leans out the window and yells, "PIG!"

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BI***!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next curve,
he crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.

If only men would listen!

WILL NEVER BELIEVE

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds.  She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age, particularly the canes, walkers, and wheelchairs.

One day, I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a
glass.  As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe
this!"

Update Date Feb. 10, 2003
Submitted by Lee B.

ONE LINERS

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
   Nudity
                                                             
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
   45 lbs.
                                                             
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
   45 minutes.
                                                             
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
   Through his chest with a sharp knife.
                                                             
Why do men want to marry virgins?
   They can't stand criticism.
                                                             
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
   Because those men already have boyfriends.
                                                             
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
   After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
                                                             
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
   The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
                                                             
What do you call a smart blonde?
   A golden retriever.
                                                             
Why does the bride always wear white?
   Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
                                                             
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
   The blonde, because she's 18
                                                             
How do you know when you're leading a pathetic life?
   When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
                                                             
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
   Her navel.
                                                             
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
   "Are you sure it's mine?"
                                                             
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
   Mace will do that to you.
                                                             
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
   Everyone has the same DNA.
                                                             
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby?
   They named him Sum Ting Wong.
                                                             
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
   Breasts don't have eyes.

Update Date Feb. 17, 2003

GRANDMA'S HERE

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so
happy to see you, grandma!  Now, maybe daddy will do the trick he has
been promising us."

The grandmother was curious.  "What trick is that, my dear?" she
asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb
the walls if you came to visit us again."


NUN'S DAY OUT

Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent.  They had never
seen a baseball game, so they got tickets.  Once inside, they sat in
the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've
never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it
up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"

Update Date Feb. 24, 2003

GOIN' TA CHURCH

One Sunday, a cowboy went to church.  When he entered, he saw that he
and the preacher were the only ones present.  The preacher asked the
cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle
and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours.  The
preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he had
liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went
to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all
the hay."

INQUIRY OR INVITATION
 

A Minister, after listening to an impromptu campaign speech, asked,
"Before I vote for you for sheriff, I'd like to know if you partake of
intoxicating beverages?"

The candidate for sheriff replied, "Before I answer, tell me if this
is an inquiry or an invitation."

Update Date March 3, 2003

MICHIGAN BLONDE

Now this is a Michigan story.  A trucker stops for red light and a
blonde girl catches up.  She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers
the window.  The girl says, "Hi, my name is Kelly, and you are losing
some of  your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

The trucker stops for another red light and the girl again catches up.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window and she says,
"Hi my name is Kelly, and you are losing some of your load!"

He ignores her again and continues down the street.

The trucker stops for still another red light and the girl catches up
again all out of breath.  She knocks on the door and the trucker
lowers the window.  Again, she says "Hi, my name is Kelly, and you are
losing some of your load!"

He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops.  The
trucker gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl, and says:
"Hi, my name is Andy, and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"


ALL THE MONEY

There was a man who had worked all of his life, and had saved all of
his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.  He loved
money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said
to his wife, "Now listen.  When I die, I want you to take all my money
and put it in the casket with me, because I want to take all my money
to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when
he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.  He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was
sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.  When
they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to
close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"

She had a box with her.  She came over with the box and put it in the
casket.  Then, the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled
it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all
that money in there with your husband."

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.  I
promised him that I was gonna put all that money in that casket with
him."

"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with
him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the widow.  I wrote him a check."

Update Date March 10, 2003

GETTING A RAISE

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting
today, and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour.  So
when would you like to start?"

The employee replies, "How's 3 months?"

PRETEND

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.  After the
initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, The man
in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and
says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was
wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a
better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend that we are married."

The man happily says, "OK.  AWESOME!"

The woman says "Good.  Now go get your own freakin' blanket."

Update Date March 17, 2003
Submitted by Lee B.

3 CONSTRUCTION WORKERS

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a 
construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the 
Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're
in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of
supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I
expect you guys to make a big dent in that there pile." So the foreman
went away for a couple hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is
untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it? The Italian
replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinese a fella that he
awasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I 
no couldafinda him nowhere."  Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says,  "And
you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." The Scotsman replies,
"Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel. Ye left th'
Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him 
either."

The foreman is really angry now and storms off toward the pile of sand
to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from
behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES"!

Update Date March 24, 2003

THE TALKING DUCK

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The barman says, "Hey,
you're a duck!"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean...I've never seen a talking duck," says the barman.

"Have you ever seen a duck drinking beer?"

"No."

"You will as soon as you pour me one," answers the duck.

The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him, "So, what brings a
duck like you to these parts?"

"Oh," says the duck, "I work on the building site across the road.
We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll most likely be in every
lunch hour."  The duck drinks his beer, wiggling his tail happily.
And just like he said, every day, he waddles over from his job and has
his lunchtime lager.

The next week, the circus comes to town.  The circus owner wanders in
for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck.  "You
should get this duck to join your circus," he says.  "Everyone would
love to see a talking duck."

The circus man nods his agreement, and the barman agrees to talk to
the duck about the circus.

The following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime, as usual.  The
barman says to the duck (with dollar signs in his eyes), "You know,
the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner about
you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah.  You could make a lot of money there.  I can fix it up for you
easily."

"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's the one with those big canvas tents, isn't it?"

"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting
tomorrow.  The circus owner's crazy about the idea."

The duck looked very puzzled.  "But why would he want to hire a
plasterer?"

Update Date March 31, 2003

WHAT'S SO FRIGHTENING?

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital
in his wheelchair, just before his operation.  A nurse stopped him and
asked, "What's the matter?"

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't
worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about
that?"

"She wasn't talking to me.  She was talking to the doctor!"

AIN'T MISBEHAVIN'

One Sunday in a young child was acting up during the morning worship
hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew,
but were losing the battle.  Finally, the pastor clearly at the end of his
rope, picked the little tyke up and walked sternly up the aisle on his
way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little guy's voice
rang out over the congregation, "Pray for me!  Pray for me!"

Update Date April 7, 2003

GETTING A RAISE

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting
today, and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour.  So
when would you like to start?"

The employee replies, "How's 3 months?"

LET'S PRETEND

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves assigned
to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.  After the
initial embarrassment and uneasiness, they both go to sleep, The man
in the upper berth, and the woman in the lower berth.

In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and
says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was
wondering if you could possibly reach over and get me another blanket?

The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye says, "I have a
better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend that we are married."

The man happily says, "OK.  AWESOME!"

The woman says "Good.  Now go get your own freakin' blanket."

Update Date April 14, 2003

PAINTING THE LOCAL CHURCH

A church congregation sent out requests to all the professional
painters listed in their local Yellow Pages, requesting a bid on a
price to repaint their church building.  Almost all of the painters
were within a few dollars of their competition, as expected, with the
exception of one well-known, well-established, local company, which
had been in business for years and had an excellent reputation in the
community.  This particular painter's bid was about half of what his
competitions had bid, and naturally, was selected by the congregation
to do the job.

On the morning the job began, the painter realized that he had
underbid the job by 50%!  Not wanting to lose the job, he decided to
thin the paint out with water, so he would be able to complete the job
for the price quoted.

One week later, he received a call from the priest, explaining that
after the first rain, half of the paint had washed off the church.
The painter returned, looked at the building, and sure enough, the job
was ruined.  He went inside to pray about the situation, knowing that
his business' reputation was on the line.  "What can I possibly do,
Lord?" prayed the discouraged businessman.

Suddenly, God, in a loud voice from the altar replied, "Repaint, and
thin no more!"

Update Date April 20, 2003
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

Men are like ......... Laxatives ...... They irritate the shit out of
you.

Men are like ......... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less 
firm they are.

Men are like ......... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long
enough.

Men are like ......... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change
them.

Men are like ......... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not
quite sure why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they
usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ......... Coffee ...... The best ones are rich, warm, &
can keep you up all night long.

Men are like ......... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word 
they say.

Men are like ......... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are
always 1/2 off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take sooooooo long
to mature.

Men are like ........ Mascara ...... They usually run at the first
sign of emotion.

Men are like ......... Popcorn ...... They satisfy you, but only for a
little while.

Men are like ......... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're
coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ......... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very
bright.

Men are like ......... Parking Spots ...... All the good ones are
taken, the rest are handicapped.

Update Date April 28, 2003
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

BAPTIZING A DRUNK

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon
a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the
water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him 
up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for
a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks
again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in
the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and
when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher
again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

Update Date May 5, 2003
Submitted by Lee B.

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the
preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?
For all you men, take heed. This is it. Understand this and 
you can stay out of whatever kind of trouble you feel the need 
to be in. 
 
Keywords and their meanings: 
 
"Fine": 
This is the word a woman uses at the end of any argument that 
she feels she is right about but needs to shut you up. 
NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. 
This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"Five minutes": 
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that 
your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, 
so it's an even trade. 

"Nothing": 
This means something and you should be on your toes. 
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has 
of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 
"Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last 
"Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". 

"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): 
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over 
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". 

"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): 
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". 
You will  get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, 
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about 
"Five Minutes" when she cools off. 
 
"Loud Sigh": 
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very 
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at 
that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and 
arguing with you over "Nothing". 
  
"Soft Sigh": 
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few 
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is 
to not move or breathe and she will stay content. 
 
"Oh": 
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get 
that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If 
she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. 
She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes 
out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. 
"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. 
Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows 
"Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves 
to write about them. 
   
"That's Okay": 
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.  
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you 
retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often 
used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow 
"Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and 
planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. 
 
"Please Do": 
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance 
to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is 
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful 
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". 
 
"Thanks": 
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome. 
 
"Thanks a lot": 
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" 
when  she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt 
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be 
careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only 
tell you "Nothing

Update Date May 12, 2003
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

PAY ATTENTION IN CLASS

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first 
anatomy class with a real dead human body.  They all gathered around 
the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The 
professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is 
necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the
human body."  For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, 
stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck 
his finger in his mouth.  "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told 
his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body 
and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them
and continued:

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Update Date May 19, 2003

FLYING OVER THE GRAND CANYON

A New Yorker was flying to Los Angeles and when the airliner reached
Arizona the announcement was made that they were now passing over the
Grand Canyon.

He looked down for a few seconds and then went back to his magazine.

The stewardess said, "You don't seem too impressed."

The New Yorker said, "Ahh, you've seen one pothole, you've seen them
all!"


INSURANCE APPLICATION

The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out
the application.  The salesman asked what the trouble was, and the man
said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death of
his father.

The salesman wanted to know why.  After some embarrassment, the client
explained that his father had been hanged.

The salesman pondered for a moment.  "Just write:  'Father was taking
part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"

Update Date June 16, 2003

WONDROUS THINGS

A man bought several acres of wasteland, and within a year, turned it
into a thriving produce farm.

The local pastor stopped by and complimented the man on his vast
progress.  Then he added, "Wondrous things can surely happen when man
and God work together."

"Amen," said the man, "but you should've seen the place when God was
running it alone."


PRAY HARD

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers,
when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY
FOR A NEW BICYCLE.  I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO.  I PRAY FOR A NEW
VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said,
"Why are you shouting your prayers?  God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"


Update Date June 23, 2003
NEVER BE AFRAID

Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember that amateurs built the ark.  Professionals built the
Titanic.


EVER GO FISHING?

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars
all traveling at the same speed; however, as they passed a speed trap,
he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was
about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was
speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other
cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the
ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked.

"Uhhh, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

Update Date June 30, 2003

HOW EMBARRASSING

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach.  As
the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began
to drive past.  Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still
others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I
told him I was.

"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and
left without giving me a ticket.


OFFERING

A hat was passed around a church congregation to take up an offering
for the visiting minister.

Presently, it was returned to him...embarrassingly empty.

Slowly, the parson inverted the hat and shook it meaningfully.  Then,
raising his eyes heavenward, he exclaimed, "I thank you, Lord, that I
got my hat back from this congregation."

Update Date July 7, 2003

CROSS EXAMINATION
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a
car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track.  Though no
one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample
warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute.  He
even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court
believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over.
"You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was sure afraid he was going to ask if that durn lantern was lit!"

TIGHT SHOES
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.  "How do
they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at
the man's feet.  "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

Update Date July 14, 2003

ASSERTIVENESS

A mild mannered man was tired of his wife always bossing him around,
so he went to a psychiatrist.  The doctor told him he had to develop
self-esteem.  The doctor gave him a booklet on assertiveness training,
which he read on the way home.

When he walked through the door and his wife came to greet him, he
told >her, "From now on I'm the man of this house and my word is law.
When I come home from work, I want my dinner on the table.  Now go
upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed, because I'm going out
with the boys tonight.  Then draw my bath.  When I get out of the tub,
guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The undertaker," she replied.

SPORTS CAR DREAMS

A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to
help me!  Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car.  The
other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am.  Another night, I dreamed I
was an Alpha Romeo.  Last nigh,t I dreamed I was a Porsche.  What does
this mean?"

"Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body
experience."

Update Date July 21, 2003

STORMY WEATHER
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking her son into bed.  She was about to turn off the light, when
he asked, with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me
tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.  "I can't dear," she
said.  "I am sleeping with Daddy."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:  "The big
sissy!"

PARDON ME
On her way back from the concession stand, Carla asked a man at the
end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes
ago?"
Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed, you did."
Carla nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."

Update Date July 28, 2003

FIRST HAM
A young couple got married.  When the wife prepared to bake a ham to
celebrate their first Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end
before placing it in the pan.
Her husband asked her why she did that and she replied, "I don't
know - it's what my mother always did.  But I can ask her."
She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw your Grandma do it, so I
did the same."
They decided to check further, so the young woman called Grandma, who
explained, "It was the only way I could get it to fit into my pan."

TALKING DOG
I man walked into a bar with his dog.  The man told the bartender that
his dog could talk. The bartender said, "OK, let's hear him."
The man said to his dog, "What's above us?"
The dog said, "Roof."
The man said, "What is on trees?"
The dog said, "Bark."
The man said, "Who was the greatest baseball player?"
The dog said, "Ruth."
The bartender said, "Yeah, right.  Any dog can do that."  He kicked
the man and the dog out of the bar.
As they were walking down the street, the dog said, "Do you think I
shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Update Date August 4, 2003
Submitted by gg522 of Fort Worth, TX.

DRUNK GUY
Drunk, 3 guys are sitting in a bar, another guy walks in and points 
to the guy in the middle and says " Hey you ,I screwed your Mom and it was 
sooo...great." 
By then everyone was expecting a fight. But the guy didn't do nothing. 
So the drunk man goes and sits in the other sideof the bar. 15 minutes 
later he came back and point at the same guy and says" I just had sex with your 
mom and was sweet...." 
Everyone was really expecting a fight again this time. 
Then again another 15 minutes pass the the guy comes backand says " I 
saw..." and the other man interrupted him turned to him and says, 
" Dad your drunk go home".

Update Date Sept.1, 2003

MEN'S DEPARTMENT
A really huge, mean looking guy goes up to a department store counter
and asks, "W-w-where's the m-m-men's dep-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him.  The man repeats
himself:  "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"  Again,
the clerk doesn't answer him.
"Wh-wh-what kind of lousy s-service is this?" the big guy demands, and
finally storms off.
The next customer in line walks up to the counter and asks the clerk,
"Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers, "Do you th-th-think I w-w-want to get my b-b-b-butt
kicked?!"

SAFETY PROGRAM
Since the police are conducting a safety program to encourage people
to wear their seat belts, they have agreed to award the first person
they see wearing a seatbelt $500.
They pull a car off the road and congratulate the driver for wearing
his seatbelt.  One policeman asks the driver what he would do with the
money.
"Well," the man began, "I think I'll go to driving school and get my
license."
"Don't listen to him," the woman next to him complained.  "He always
talks like that when he's drunk."
Then, a man in the back woke up and yawned, "I knew we wouldn't get
far in a stolen car."
Suddenly, a knock in the back trunk sounded.  A Mexican voice asked,
"Are we over the border yet?"

Update Date Sept.15, 2003
FULL OF COATS
A woman stood inside the front door, her arms full of coats.  Four
small children scurried around her.  Her husband, coming down the
stairs, asked why she was standing there.
"Here," she said, handing him the coats.  "This time, you put the
children into their coats, and I'll go honk the horn."
READING THE BIBLE
A little boy opened a big, old, family Bible with fascination and
looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and
looked closely at it.  It was an old leaf from a tree pressed in
between the pages.  "Mama," look what I have found," the boy called
out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think its
Adam's suit!"

Update Date Sept. 22, 2003

AT THE TONE, THE TIME WILL BE...
Every Monday morning for years, at about 11:30 am, the telephone
operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man
asking the exact time.
One day the operator summed-up the nerve to ask him why the
regularity.  "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained.  "Every
day, I have to blow the whistle at noon, so I call you to get the
exact time."
The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said.  "All this
time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

MEMORIES
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
The first guy says, "I can remember the first day of my first grade
class."
The second guy says, "I can remember my first day at nursery school!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's nothing.  I can
remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with
my mother."

Update Date Sept. 29, 2003

FOUR-LETTER WORDS
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.  When they got
back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!  So
romantic..."  Suddenly, she burst out crying.  "But Mama, as soon as
we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd
never heard before!  I mean, all these awful four-letter words!
You've got to come get me and take me home.  Please, Mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down!  Tell me, what could be
so awful?  What four-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mama," wept the daughter.  "I'm so
embarrassed.  They're just too awful!  Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.  Tell your
mother these horrible four-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...words like DUST, WASH,
IRON, COOK..."

FLAKY DATE
I dated this flake one time.  Upon picking her up for dinner, she
said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm feeling a little schizophrenic
tonight."
"Good!" I said.  "That makes four of us."

Update Date Oct. 6, 2003

OLD WOMAN

A reporter was interviewing a 104-year-old woman.
REPORTER:  "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling
or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing
himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip
club.  The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave!  How
ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.  "Oh
no," says Dave.  "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser.  His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must
come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."
"No, honey, she's in the Ladies' Bowling League.  We share lanes with
them."
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi, Davey," she says.  "Want your usual table dance?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.  Before she can slam
the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real
doozie this time, Dave!"

Update Date Oct. 13, 2003

MY DAUGHTER'S THE BEST

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary
offspring.  "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice,"
said Mrs. Davis with a sniff.  "Every summer, she takes me to the
Catskills for a week, and every winter, we spend a week at Delray
Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs.
Jones proudly.  "Every winter, she treats me to two weeks in Miami,
and in the summer, two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest
house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile.  "Nobody loves her mother like
my Jackie does.  Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week, she gets into a cab, goes to the best
psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an
hour - just to talk about me!"

QUICK THINKING
A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up, and
everything seems fine.  The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all, to be honest.  The wife
ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around.  In the
past week, I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of
whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age, too!" the doctor said.  "I hope
you at least took some precautions."
"Yep.  I may be old, but I ain't senile yet, Doc.  I gave 'em all a
phony name."

Update Date Oct. 20, 2003

LOUSY GOLFER

Once, there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.
Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay.  He gave
a mighty swing.  Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the
spot.  Everything but the golf ball.  It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot.  Clouds of dirt and sand and
ants went flying again.  The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived.  One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa!  What are
we going to do?"
Said the other ant, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on
that ball!"

A GOOD KNIGHT

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.  One knight told
his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful
women in the world.  It would be a terrible waste if no man could have
her.  Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you
the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the
Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they
noticed a cloud of dust approaching.  Thinking it might be an
important message from the town, the column halted.  A horseman
approached.  It was the knight's best friend.  He said, "Hey, you gave
me the wrong key!"

Update Date Oct. 27, 2003

ONE WISH

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an unusual
old lamp.  She picked it up and cleaned it off, and suddenly a Genie
appeared.  The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the
usual three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low
wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can
only grant you one wish.  So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate.  She said, "I want peace in the Middle
East.  See this map?  I want these countries to stop fighting with
each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady!  These
countries have been at war for thousands of years.  I'm good, but not
THAT good!  I don't think it can be done.  Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able
to find the right man.  You know, one that's considerate and fun,
likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and
gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful.  That's what I wish for...a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that damn map!"

NEW TIRES

A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was
reading the ads in the paper.  He looked up and said, "Here is a great
sale on tires!"
His wife replied, "What do you want tires for?  You don't have a car."
He says, "I don't complain when you go out and buy a new bra, do I?"

Update Date Nov. 3, 2003

GREAT STEAKS
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten
downtown the day before.  A group of them decided to head down and see
if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant.  After looking
over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their large,
delicious, gigantic steaks.
To their collective disappointment, the waiter brought out some of the
smallest steaks they'd ever seen.
"Now see here," the very embarrassed guy said to the waiter.
"Yesterday, when I came down here you served me a big, juicy steak.
Today, though, when I have my friends with me, you serve tiny steaks!
What is the meaning of this?"
"Yes, sir," replied the waiter, "yesterday you were sitting by the
window."

LIGHT BULB
Q:  How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One.
Only ONE!!  And do you know WHY?  Because no one else in this house
knows HOW to change a light bulb!  They don't even know that the bulb
is BURNED OUT!  They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they
figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light
bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the
past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the
chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would
STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID !#$% LIGHT BULBS
CAME IN!
WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT
ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE.  IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO
CLEAN THIS HOUSE!
...I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

Update Date Nov. 10, 2003

HOW WAS THE WEEKEND?
Two men are talking at work Monday morning.  "What did you do this
weekend?"
"Dropped hooks into water."
"Fishing, huh?"
"No, golfing."

STOP?
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a workstation...

Update Date Nov. 17, 2003

CAUGHT SPEEDING

The cop got out of his car and the kid, who was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.

BACKSEAT BLONDE

A blonde and her guy were out on a date, and they ended up at Lovers'
Lane, where they were making out.  The guy thought that things were
going pretty well, and that maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he
thought that he would ask her if she wanted to get into the back seat.
"NO!" yelled the blonde.
The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet.  Things got pretty
hot, and the guy thought he would try again.
"NO!" the blonde yelled again.
Things got even hotter, and the blonde was down to her bra, and the
guy even had her pants unzipped.
"Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?" asked the guy.
"For the last time, NO!" said the blonde.
Frustrated, the guy asked, "Well, why the heck not?"
The blonde looked at him and said, "Because I wanna stay up here with
you!"

Update Date Nov. 24, 2003

I'M TIRED

The new patient was airing his woes to an understanding doctor.
"After the first, I'm tired, Doc.  After the second, my chest aches
and I start getting pains in my legs.  After the third, I feel like
fainting, and it takes half an hour for my heart and respiration to
return to normal."
"Why don't you quit after the first?" inquired the doctor.
"How can I do that, Doc?" said the patient.  "I live on the third."

NUNS AT A FOOTBALL GAME

Sitting behind a couple of nuns at the football game, three men
decided to badger the nuns in an effort, to get them to move.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going to move
to Utah.  There are only 100 Catholics living there."
The second guy spoke up and said, "Well, I want to go to Montana, as
there are only 50 Catholics living there."
The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho; there are
only 25 Catholics living there."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and calmly asked,
"Why don't you go to hell?  There aren't any Catholics there!"

Update Date Dec.1, 2003

PUZZLE
One night, this blonde calls up her boyfriend.  "Honey, I need your
help.  I am trying to do this puzzle, and I just can't get any of the
pieces to fit.  Not even one."
So the boyfriend asks, "What's the puzzle of, dear?"
"Well the picture on the box is a tiger."
So now the boyfriend is really interested and agrees to come over and
help her, figuring he'll get a little lovin' afterwards.  He gets to
her house and goes inside, and he looks at the table and says, "For
heaven's sake, woman!  Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!

MAN'S SEX LIFE

It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over
and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.  Man was
horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was
very adamant, that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.  "But I
don't need twenty years," he protested, "ten is plenty for me."
Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten?"  The monkey
graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion,
like the monkey, wanted only ten.  Again, the man spoke up, "'Can I
have the other ten?"  The lion told him of course he could.
Then came the donkey, and he was given twenty years - but like the
others, ten was sufficient and again man pleaded, "Can I have the
other ten?"  The donkey said that he could.
This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten
years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years
of making an a** of himself.

Update Date Dec.8, 2003

OVERWORKED & UNDERPAID

The night watchman was making his rounds and was surprised that no one
was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.  The
watchman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be
playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised.  This is just part of
my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man.  "I can't believe it!  Does your boss
know what a prize he has in you?  An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog.  "Please don't!  If that man finds out I
can talk, he'll make me answer the phones as well!"

THE FUR COAT

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. "Show the
lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.  So the owner of the shop
goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous, full-length
coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man,
"'Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem!  I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir," says the shop owner.  "Today is Saturday.  You may
come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."'
So the man and the woman leave.  On Monday, the fellow returns.  The
store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?!  There
wasn't a single penny in your checking account!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most
wonderful weekend of my life!"

Update Date Dec.15, 2003

NEW JOB FOR BILLY-BOB

Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, one round for
everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well, seems you're in a really good mood tonight,
hm?"
Billy-Bob says, "Oh, you can bet on it!  I just got hired by the city
to go around and remove all the money from parking meters.  I start on
Monday!"  The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the
round.
Monday evening arrives.  Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and says,
"Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!"
The bartender says, "Well now! I f you're so happy just over having
this new job, I can just imagine how happy you'll be when you get your
paycheck!"
Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face,
pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, "You mean
they'll PAY me too?"

PICKLE PLANT

Paul loves his job at the pickle packing company.  He has worked there
for three years, and he has been employee of the year, every year.
One day, Paul comes home very depressed.  His wife, concerned, asks
what happened.
Paul confesses, he has satisfied yet another of his strange fantasies.
His wife exclaims, "Oh, no!  Not again!  What happened?"
Well, Paul says "I have had this fantasy of putting my Johnson in the
pickle slicer, so today, I decided to go through with it."
His wife says "Did it hurt?"
Paul says, "No."
His wife asked, "What happened?"
Paul says, "Well, I got fired."
His wife says, "What happened to the pickle slicer?"
Paul replies, "She got fired, too."

Update Date Dec.22, 2003

CALM & QUIET

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.  The
husband is behind the wheel.  His wife looks over at him.  "Honey, I
know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
"I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been
having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than
you."
Still, the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger
increases.
"I want the house also."  Again, the husband speeds up, and now is
doing 75 mph.
"I want the kids too."  The husband just keeps driving faster and
faster, now he's up to 85 mph.  "And I want the car, the checking
account, and all the credit cards."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling as
the speedometer reaches 90 mph.  "You're taking this incredibly
calmly," the wife says.  "Isn't there anything that you want?"
"No, I have everything I need."
"What's that?"
"The airbag."

Update Date Dec.29, 2003

MAKING MONEY

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.  The old guy
fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932.  The
depth of the Great Depression.  I was down to my last nickel.
"I invested that nickel in an apple.  I spent the entire day polishing
the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples.  I spent
the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents.
I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd
accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

THIS IS A PUBLIC POOL

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming
pool.  "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard.
"I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

Update Date Jan. 5, 2004

ANOTHER DIET

On still another diet, I had lost a few pounds and a lot of my usual
sunny disposition.  After making a snappish remark to my husband, I
apologized and reminded him that he was supposed to stick by me
through thick and thin.
"I know," he said, dryly, "but thick was easier."

NUDE BEACH

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.  As the
boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had
boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.  She told her son,
"The bigger they are the dumber the person is."
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns
to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his
dad.  His Mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person
is."
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to
play.  Shortly after, the boy returned again.  He promptly told his
mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the
longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

Update Date Jan. 19, 2004

POTTED GERANIUMS

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted
geraniums.  Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to
water while she was gone."

COURTING

A tomcat and his girl, a tabby cat, were courting on a back fence at
night.
The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, "I'd
die for you!"
The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How
many times?"

Update Date Jan. 19, 2004

FOUND THE HANDBAG

A lady lost her handbag during a day of shopping.  It was found by an
honest little boy and returned to her.  Looking in her purse, she
commented, "Hmmm...that's funny.  When I lost my bag, there was a $20
bill in it.  Now, there are twenty singles."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady.  The last time I found a
lady's purse, she didn't have change for a reward."

SECRETARIES

Two secretaries sitting were in their office chatting, when all of a
sudden, one bursts out laughing.  The other asks, "What's so funny?"
The first secretary replies, "Last week, I found a dozen condoms in
the boss' desk, and I poked a hole in every one of them."
The second fainted!

Update Date Jan. 26, 2004

QUIT SMOKING

A young couple had been married for a couple of months, and the man
was always after his wife to quit smoking.  One afternoon, she lit up
after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good
cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied he never had.  Smiling and
lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"

Update Date Feb. 2, 2004

YOUNG AND OLD

A young girl rushes into a cafeteria for lunch, and as she is looking
for a place to sit, she sees this little old lady sitting by herself.
The girl approaches the old lady and says, "Do you mind if I share
your table?"
The little old lady replies, "Why certainly not, young lady, sit
down."
The young girl consumes her lunch and proceeds to light up a
cigarette.  The little old lady, astonished, says, "Young lady, I
would rather be caught having sex in public than smoking."
The young girl replies, "So would I, but I only have 30 minutes for
lunch.

Update Date Feb. 9, 2004

OLD MAN JOHNSON

Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my
knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said,
"Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"
"98!" Johnson announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again.  Finally, he said,
"Sir, I'm sorry.  I mean, just look at you.  You're practically one
hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts?  Well,
what did you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it
don't hurt!"

Update Date Feb. 16, 2004

BARBIE DOLL

A man walks into a toy store, looking for a Barbie doll for his
daughter.

A saleslady walks up to him and asks if he needs any help.  He says,
"Yes.  Can you tell me all of the Barbie dolls you have and all of
their prices?"

The lady says, "Sure.  There's Dancing Barbie, $19.99, Dog Lover
Barbie, $19.99, Computer Barbie, $19.99, and Divorced Barbie,
$339.99."

"Why is Divorced Barbie so much more?" the man asks.

"Because it comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's Pool, Ken's
money..."

Update Date Feb. 23, 2004

GET A HAIRCUT

A man sticks his head in at the door of a barbershop.  He looks around
and asks the barber, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the men waiting and responds, "About two
hours."  The man thanks him and leaves.
The man returns a few days later and sticks his head in the door and
asks the barber, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around and replies, "About two hours."  The man
thanks him and leaves.
Another few days go by and the man comes back and sticks his head in
the door and asks the barber, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around and replies, "About an hour and a half."  The
man thanks him and leaves.
The barber wonders why the man keeps doing this and turns to his
friend Fred.  "Fred, that guy has been coming in here the last couple
of weeks.  He asks 'how long before I can get a haircut,' I tell him,
but he never comes back.  Maybe he's going to another barbershop.  Why
don't you hurry up and follow him and see where he goes."  Fred agrees
to do it.
A few minutes later, Fred returns to the barbershop laughing
hysterically.  The barber is puzzled.  He asks Fred, "So where did he
go?"
Fred replied, "To your house."

Update Date March 8, 2004

STICK IT OUT

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and was quite itchy.  The teacher told him to go down to
the principal's office, where he could phone his mother and ask her
what he should do about it.
After a few minutes, the boy returned to the classroom, where he sat
down in his seat.  Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
room.
The teacher went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out.  "I thought I told you to call your
mom!" she screamed.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Update Date March 22, 2004

WEAVING

A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches
the driver.  "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over
the road?"

The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!  I almost
had an accident.  I looked up and there was a tree right in front of
me.  I swerved to the left, and there was another tree in front of me.
I swerved to the right, and there was another tree in front of me!"

Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer
replied, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Update Date March 29, 2004

YOU NEVER CAME UP

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in
the mirror.  He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the
breasts of a 25-year-old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50-year-old
a**?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."

Update Date April 5, 2004

A KISS A YARD

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl said,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress.  How much does it cost?"

"Only a kiss a yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl.  "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk
hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out with a
smile.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man
standing beside her.  "Grandpa pays the bills," she smiled and winked!

Update Date April 12, 2004

QUITE A GIFT 

A man walks into a pet shop to buy his mother a birthday present.  He
selects a beautiful parrot.
Two weeks later, he calls his mom.  "How's the bird I got you?"
"Oh, it was delicious," she replied.
Her son, in disbelief, says, "What??  You ate that parrot?  He cost me
$600.00 and could speak six languages!"
"Well," she replied, "he should have said something!"

Update Date April 19, 2004

BETTER BELIEVE IT 

A man came home and found a note from his wife stating that
she had gone to a nudist colony.  He went up to the place
and asked her why she'd done it.

She replied, "I told you I would!  May be next time you'll
believe me when I tell you I've got nothing to wear!"

Update Date April 26, 2004

PARENTAL ARGUMENT

During a generation gap argument with his parents, young Michael told
his parents, "I want freedom, excitement, adventure, and beautiful
women, and I can't find all that living here.  I'm leaving.  Don't try
to stop me."

With that he heads for the door.  His father was right behind him.
"Didn't you hear me?  Don't try to stop me!"

"Who's trying to stop you?" his father replies.  "I'm going too."

Update Date May 3, 2004

HIKING MONEY

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a
new, 21-speed mountain bike.

"Where did you get the money for the bike?  It must have cost $300,"
he asked.

"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied.  "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Johnny," the father said.  "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.  "Every night you were gone,
Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom.  He'd give me a
$20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

Update Date May 10, 2004
WHATEVER YOU LIKE

A farmer was hauling manure, and he happened by a senior citizen's
home.  One of the elderly residents on the porch hollered, "Sonny,
what are you going to do with that manure?"

The farmer replied, I'm going to put it on my strawberries."

The old man said, "Well, Sonny, then you should eat here.  Around
here, we put whipped cream on our strawberries!"

Update Date May 17, 2004

WALL STREET MAN

The Wall Street man was standing at the curb when a friend from his
old home town, whom he hadn't seen in years, approached.  They
embraced, but the friend seemed mighty serious.  "I'm awful sorry to
tell you this," said the visitor, "but your old and dear Aunt Cecily
is in jail."

"Glad you told me," said the broker.  "It's good to know she's
provided for."

Update Date May 24, 2004
CHEMISTRY EXAM

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Alabama.  They
were so confident going into the final that two days before, they
decided to go up to the University of Tennessee and party with some
friends.  They had a great time.  However, they overslept and didn't
make it back to Alabama until the morning of the exam.

Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to
explain why they missed the final.  They told him that they went up to
the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had planned to come
back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back,
and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so
they were late in getting back to campus.  The professor thought this
over and told them they could make up the final on the following day.

The two guys were relieved.  They studied that night and went in the
next day for the final.  The professor placed them in separate rooms,
and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points.  It was
something simple.  "Cool," they thought.  "This is going to be easy."
They did that problem and then turned the page.  Question #2 said:
"Which tire? (95 Points)."

Update Date May 31, 2004

HE SAID, SHE SAID

What a woman says:
This place is a mess!  C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON!
Blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
Blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
Blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
Blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Update Date June 7, 2004

ARRANGEMENTS

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this:  In
the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all.
If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex.
And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied.  "Just make sure, when I come
home, I usually have a drink.  If I have only one drink, that means I
don't want sex.  If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex.  But
if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

RETURN TO TOP

Update Date June 14, 2004

REDNECK WINS THE LOTTERY

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery.  He goes to Austin to 
claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.  
The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."  To which the man replied, 
"No sir.  It doesn't work that way.  We give you a million today, and 
then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.  
The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now!  I won it,
and I want it."  Again the man patiently explains that he would only 
get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.  
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!!  
If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT 
MY DOLLAR BACK!"

Update Date June 21, 2004

AMICABLE DIVORCE

After 4 years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably.
I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I
decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper.  After
reading through all the listings, I circled three ads that seemed
possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.

Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my
ex-wife.  "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and
saw the ads you circled in the paper.  Don't call the one in the
second column. It's me."

Update Date June 28, 2004

TRAFFIC VIOLATION?

A police officer pulls a guy in a sports car over for speeding and has
the following exchange:

Officer:  May I see your driver's license?
Driver:  I don't have one.  I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer:  May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver:  It's not my car.  I stole it.
Officer:  The car is stolen?
Driver:  That's right.  But come to think of it, I think I saw the
owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer:  There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver:  Yes sir.  That's where I put it after I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer:  There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver:  Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.  The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:
Captain:  Sir, can I see your license?
Driver:  Sure.  Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain:  Whose car is this?
Driver:  It's mine, officer.  Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain:  Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's
a gun in it?
Driver:  Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain:  Would you mind opening your trunk?  I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver:  No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain:  I don't understand it.  The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't 
have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver:  Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

Update Date July 6, 2004

MAFIA

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten
million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational
benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed
that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to
testify about in court. 

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10
million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. 
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper:  "Where is the 10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?" 

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million
dollars is hidden. 

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." 

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're
talking about." 

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!" 

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't
tell him!" 

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! "The money is in a brown briefcase,
buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" 

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" 

The attorney replies:  "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger!" 

Update Date July 12, 2004

RELIGION CAN BE FUN

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
train.  After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a
conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not
supposed to eat pork, but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the
truth.  Yes I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi had his turn for interrogation.  He asked, "I know that in
your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and
yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two resumed their reading.  There was silence for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than
pork, isn't it?!"

Update Date July 19, 2004

SUPER GRANNY

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found
four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.  She dropped her
shopping bags, drew her handgun, and proceeded to scream at them at
the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!  Get out
of the car, you scumbags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran
like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags in the
back of the car and get into the driver's seat.  She was so shaken
that she could not get her key into the ignition.  She tried and
tried, to no avail.

And then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down.  She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the
police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two
with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four
pale males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly woman
described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white
hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

Update Date July 26, 2004

EXPECTING A BABY
There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby.  The Rabbi went to
the congregation and asked for a raise.  After much consideration and
discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded,
so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive.  The
congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's
pay situation.  As you can imagine, there was much yelling and
bickering.  Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd.  "Having
children is an act of God!"

Update Date August 2, 2004

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up,
and in his frail voice said, "Point of information - snow and rain are
also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked 
was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

Update Date August 9, 2004

MAYBE ANOTHER TIME

Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Sure, Father, and who wouldn't?" was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father O'Malley walked up to Murphy and said, "Do you want to go
to heaven?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "C'mon lad... I don't believe this.  You mean to tell
me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

Murphy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. Sure, I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

Update Date August 16, 2004

YIELDING RIGHT OF WAY

Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio
conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off
the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.  The radio conversation was
released by the Chief of Naval Operations on October 10, 1995.

U.S. Ship:  Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to
avoid collision.

CND Reply:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south
to avoid a collision.

U.S. Ship:  This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship.  I say again,
divert your course.

CND Reply:  No.  I say again, you divert YOUR course!

U.S. Ship:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA,WE ARE A VERY
LARGE WARSHIP OF THE U.S. NAVY.  DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!!

CND Reply:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

Update Date August 23, 2004

PAYING ATTENTION

A man with two badly burned ears went to the emergency room for
medical treatment.

"So, what happened," asked the doctor.

"Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV,"
began the man.  "She put the hot iron near the telephone, and when the
phone rang, eyes on the tube, I answered the iron."

The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?"

"Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy
called again."

Update Date August 30, 2004

WHY GOD LOVES BLONDES

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble.  Her
business has gone bust, and she's in a serious financial mess.  She's
so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray, "God, please help me...I've lost my business and
I'm going to lose my house as well.  Please let me win the lotto..."

Lotto night comes, and she is devastated when someone else wins it.

Brandi prays again..."God, please let me win the lotto!  I've lost my
business, my house, and I'm going  to lose my car as well..."

Lotto night comes, and Brandi still has absolutely no luck.

Once again, she prays.  "My God, why have you forsaken me?!  I've lost
my business, my house, and my car.  My children are very hungry.  I
don't often ask for you to help, and I am a constant good servant for
you...PLEASE just let me win the lotto this ONE time so I can get my
life back in order..."

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself...

"Work with me here, Brandi.  Buy a ticket!"

Update Date September 6, 2004

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

A couple had been married for 25 years and was also celebrating their
60th birthdays.  During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said
that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she
would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world.  The fairy waved her wand,
and poof!  The woman had tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn.  He paused for a moment, and then
said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and poof!  He was 90.

Update Date September 13, 2004

A MISUNDERSTANDING

A few monks were sitting around one day talking about the Scriptures
and how many times they had been translated.  One monk decided to
translate them for himself, so went into the library and started to
work.  He was down there for hours, the hours turned into days.  No
one saw him for quite some time, and the other monks began to wonder.

Finally, one day, a fellow monk went to the library to look for him.
When he found him, the monk that was translating the Scriptures was
crying his eyes out, nothing like he had ever seen before.

When he asked what was wrong, the monk told him, "It said 'celebrate,'
not celibate!"

Update Date September 20, 2004

Bill Gates and GM

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over 
the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 
instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour.  
Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand 
miles to a gallon of gas.  In either case, the sticker price of a new car 
would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car 
that crashes four times a day?"

Update Date September 27, 2004

Dear God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing
happened.  Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.  
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, 
they decided to send it to President Bush.  The President was so impressed,
touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little 
boy a $5.00 bill.   President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of
money to a little boy.  The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and 
sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed 
that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as 
usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Update Date October 4, 2004

UGH!

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping
carts in the grocery store check-out line.
The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this -- my mom just bought
strained plums!"
The second baby says, "You think that's bad -- my mom just bought
strained peas!"
The third baby says, "You think you guys got it bad?  How would you
like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

Update Date October 11, 2004

YOU CAN'T TAKE IT WITH YOU

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was
determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally
figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he
died.  He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough
money to fill two pillowcases.  He then directed her to take the bags
of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.  His
plan:  When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on
his way to Heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the
attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with
cash.  "Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had
me put the money in the basement."

Update Date October 18, 2004

ARGUMENT

During a generation gap argument with his parents, young Michael told
his parents, "I want freedom, excitement, adventure, and beautiful
women, and I can't find all that living here.  I'm leaving.  Don't try
to stop me."
With that he heads for the door.  His father was right behind him.
"Didn't you hear me?  Don't try to stop me!"

"Who's trying to stop you?" his father replies.  "I'm going too."

Update Date October 25, 2004

OOPS!

A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a 
red light where it was prohibited.

"Uh-oh, I think I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.

"It's okay, Dad" the boy said.  "The police car right behind us did the 
same thing."


Update Date November 1, 2004

MISSING PERSONS ALERT

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, 
questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any 
message if they found him.

"Oh, yes," she replied readily.  "Tell him 'Mother didn't come after 
all.'"

Update Date November 8, 2004

THIS WILL KILL YOU
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.  On the other hand, the French eat a lot of
fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.  However, the Italians drink excessive
amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like. It's speaking English that
kills you.

Update Date November 15, 2004

WORDS FOR THE WISE

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, it follows that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, 
models deposed and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!
Even more, bed makers will be debunked, baseball players will be 
debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, 
organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD
company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually
decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be
devoted.

Update Date November 22, 2004

BRING DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to 
work.
The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary.  
Why do you call her a doll?"  Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man 
explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl.  
She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is 
very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her 
eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Update Date December 6, 2004

Ice Fishing Tip
Two men have been sitting out on a lake all day long, ice fishing. 
One has been having no luck at all and the other has been pulling fish after 
fish out of his hole in the ice. The man having no luck finally leans over 
and asks the other what his secrect is.  "mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."  
"I'm sorry, what did you say?" "mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm."  
"I'm sorry, I still didn't understand you."  The successful fisherman spits 
something into his hand and says, "You've got to keep your worms warm."

Update Date December 20, 2004

Stranger Things Have Happened
Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were excited and 
talkative about their future plans as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.
After listening to them for a couple of minutes, the cab driver asked, 
"Are you Harvard men?"  "Yes Sir! Class of '99!" they answered proudly. 
The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand saying,
"Class of '58."

Update Date December 27, 2004

Nuns vs. Fans
There were these three guys at a football game and it just so happened 
that they were sitting behind three nuns.  They couldn't see really well 
over their habits, so one of the guys says, "Man, I wish I lived in Ohio, 
there are only 25 Catholics there."  One of the other guys says, "Well, I 
wish I lived in Idaho because there are only 20 Catholics there."  Then the 
last guy says, "Well, I wish I lived in Oregon there are only 15 Catholics
there."  Then one of the nuns turns around and says, "Why don't you go 
to hell - there are no Catholics there!"

Update Date January 31, 2005

STICK IT OUT

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and was quite itchy.  The teacher told him to go down to
the principal's office, where he could phone his mother and ask her
what he should do about it.
After a few minutes, the boy returned to the classroom, where he sat
down in his seat.  Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the
room.
The teacher went back to investigate, only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out.  "I thought I told you to call your
mom!" she screamed.
"I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Update Date February 7, 2005

ROAD RAGE

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special
effort with his family at the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would
take his daughter out for a drive in the car.
One particular Sunday however, he had such a cold that he really
didn't feel like driving at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue
and decided that for this week she would take their daughter out.
They returned just before lunch and the little girl ran upstairs to
see her father.
"Well" the father asked, "did you enjoy your ride with mummy?"
"Oh yes Daddy" the girl replied, "and do you know what... we didn't
see a single moron!"

Update Date February 14, 2005

THE PRICE OF LOVE
A lady entered the front door of the city's First Presbyterian Church.
She proceeded to the pastor's study and knocked on the door.  The
pastor opened the door and invited her inside his office.  He noticed
she had been crying and asked if he may help her.  The lady explained
that her precious little dog had died - one that had been her closest
friend for 12 years.  She further explained that she had planned a
funeral for her little pet and wanted to know if he would come give a
few remarks at the funeral.
The minister cleared is throat and said, "Well Madam, that is a bit
unusual.  Since I have never done that before, suppose you go down a
block to the Baptist Church and ask that minister if he would fulfill
your request."
The lady agreed, thanked him and said, "By the way, I plan on paying
$500 for the service.  Do you think that would be enough?"
The minister quickly turned and said, "Lady, I didn't know your little
dog was Presbyterian."

Update Date February 21, 2005

LONG AWAY FROM HOME

An 80 year old went to see his doctor about his failing sex life.
After a complete physical exam the doctor found him to be in very good
shape and asked him if he exercised very much. The man said "rarely if
ever". The doctor advised him to walk 8 miles a day and check back in
a week. Sure enough a week later the doctor got the call. "Well, how
is your sex life now?" asked the doctor. "How the hell would I know,"
replied the old fellow, "I'm 56 miles from home".

Update Date February 28, 2005
Letter from Saddam

After numerous rounds of, "We don't even know if Saddam is still
alive," Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing
to let him know that he is, indeed, still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it out and emailed it to
Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it
to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to
MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.

Eventually, they asked Mossad in Israel for help. Cpt. Moishe Plotnick
took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at
the message upside down..."

Update Date March 14, 2005

BLOND SOLUTION

A blond woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a
child and demand a ransom.  She went to a local park, grabbed a little
boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: "I have kidnapped
your child.  I am sorry to do this but I need the money.  Leave
$10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7
a.m. tomorrow.  Signed, 'The Blond.'"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go
straight home.  The next morning, she returned to the park to find the
$10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had
instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note: "Here is your money.  I cannot
believe that one blond would do this to another."

Update Date March 21, 2005

BE REAL
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.  Everybody, but
one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss.  "Haven't you got a sense of
humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied.  "I'm leaving Friday."

Update Date March 28, 2005

THE REWARD

George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him,  three kids, who were
fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered
the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George
said, "No problem.  I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV
and stereo headset!!"    George Bush is a little perplexed by this and
says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning!"

Update Date April 8, 2005

PESTY AFFAIR

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from
pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" She bundled
him in the closet stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little buggers!"

Update Date April 18, 2005

PROUD FATHER
A husband, so proud of the fact that his wife had given birth to 6
children, begins to call her "mother of six" rather than by her first
name. The wife, amused at first, chuckles.

A few years down the road, the wife has grown tired of her husband's
description. "Mother of six," he would say, "Get me a beer!" "Hey
mother of six, what's for dinner tonight?" This type of situation
persisted to a boiling point.

Finally, while attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yelled
out, "Hey mother of six, I think it's time to go!"

The wife seized the moment and shouted back, "I'll be right with
you -- father of four!"

Update Date April 25, 2005

CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
2... Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting &Prayer Conference
includes meals.
3. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
4. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in
the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.
6. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due
to a conflict.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care
much about you.
8. Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
9. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.
10. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
11. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all
the help they can get.
12. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack's sermons.
13. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."
14. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
15. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
16. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
17. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
18. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
19. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
20. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.
21. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super
entertainment and gracious hostility.
22. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.
23. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
24. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
25. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All
ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is
done.
26. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation
would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next
Sunday.
27. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please
use the back door.
28. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
29. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
30. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge ! - Up Yours!"

Update Date May 2, 2005

Things Not to Say on Your First Date
1. Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
2. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
3. No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix
alcohol and penicillin.
4. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
5. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.
6. I used to come here all the time with my ex.
7. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to
consider it.
8. I really feel that I've grown up in the past few years. Used to be
I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
9. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
10. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good
butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
11. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date
just won't be as smart as I am.

Update Date May 9, 2005

Marriage Secret
I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I
said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big
decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big
decision!"

Update Date May 16, 2005

SPEED RACER

My father always loved fast cars. Taking advantage of the empty roads
one morning, he accelerated down a wide-open stretch.

Unfortunately, a young police officer was waiting at the other end,
and Dad was flagged down. Dad greeted the officer with a cheery "Good
morning."

"And a good morning to you, Wing Commander," replied the officer.
"Having trouble taking off?"

Update Date May 23, 2005

The Pond

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, with picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
and some apple and peach trees.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as
he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the
women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you
leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he
said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Update Date June 6, 2005

After Surgery

A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after having surgery in
the hospital, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside. His
eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, "You're beautiful."

He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said,
"You're cute."

"What happened to beautiful?" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

Update Date June 13, 2005

Things you don't want to hear during surgery
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
• Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
• Oops
• I don't know where that came from! Just put it over there.
• I don't think that was supposed to come off.
• Gonna have to stop here, his insurance won't pay for the rest.
• Well, it's five o'clock! Let's finish up tomorrow.
• Hey....maybe the janitor knows what this is.
• Cool! These colors are giving me flashbacks

Update Date June 20, 2005

In the beginning, God created Earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Update Date June 27, 2005

Marine Shares a Room

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was
taken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I
don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted
the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.  But to tell you
the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have
complained in the past.  I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him.  "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed.  "No problem with the other guy snoring,
then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the
Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,
'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Update Date July 4, 2005

The Wedding Night Blues

This blond got married on Ash Wednesday.  On the first day of their
honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to
her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."

Almost in tears, she remarked, "Well, that is the most ridiculous
thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to and for how long?"

Update Date July 11, 2005

Paper to Grow On

A wife was complaining about her breast being small and was thinking
about getting the done surgically. Her husband told her the way to
make her breast grow would be to rub toliet paper between everyday.
The wife was skeptical but went and got some toliet paper and started
rubbing between her breast. The wife asked the husband how long do I
have to do this. The husband said a few years. The wife exclaimed a
few years? Are you sure this is going to work? The husband replied it
worked on your butt, didn't it?

Update Date July 18, 2005
Southern Sense

Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba
that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked
the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The
operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba
said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up
there?"

Update Date July 25, 2005
Singing in Church

A minister  decided to something a little different one Sunday
Morning.

He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you
are going to help me preach. "Whatever single word I say, I want you
to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind.

The pastor shouted out, "Cross.."
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old
Rugged Cross."

The pastor hollered out, "Grace.." The congregation began to sing
"Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."

The pastor said ,"Power"
The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood"

The Pastor said , "Sex."
The congregation fell in total silence.
Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say
anything.

Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old
87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious
Memories."

Update Date August 1, 2005

Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the U$ economy ha$ come
out of the rece$$ion. In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t
de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$
worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to
your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
$teven $oh


Boss's reply

Dear Steven,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOw a days, NOthing much has
changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing
NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world's
leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into
aNOther recession. After the November presidential elections things
may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
NOrman NOn
Manager

Update Date August 8, 2005

Paying the Bill

An elderly man found himself in a catholic hospital following an
emergency surgery. The nurse, who was a nun, asked him if he had
insurance. He answered no, so she asked him if he would be able to
cover his bill with a check. He told her no again. As a last resort,
she suggested maybe a family member could help. He said he only had
one sister, who wasn't married and was a nun too. The nurse reminded
him that nuns were married to God. The man's face broke into a huge
smile and he said, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law!”

Update Date August 15, 2005

Dietary Dangers

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
chemicals in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone
here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering
for years after eating it?" A 60-year old man in the front row stood
up and shouted, " wedding cake!"

Update Date August 22, 2005

Smarty Pants
A son walks into the living room and asks his dad to borrow the car
because he has a hot date.
The dad says, “Sure, as soon as you cut your long hair.”
The boy smiles and thinking he has outsmarted his dad replies, “Dad,
Jesus had long hair...”
And the dad replies, “Yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went too,
didn't he?”

Update Date August 29, 2005

Wedding Vows
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an
unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you
get to me and the part where I'm to promise to "love, honor and obey"
and "forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever," I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100
bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved
to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young
man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself
before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in
bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your
lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long
as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a
deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She
made me a much better offer."

Update Date September 5, 2005

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no," she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

Update Date September 12, 2005

Home Sick Scot

Duncan MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university
and was living in the residents’ dorm.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on
that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one
on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."

Update Date September 19, 2005

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some
arsenic.  The druggist ask's, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband."
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the druggist.
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man
and a woman in a compromising position and shows it to the druggist.
The photo shows her husband with the druggist's wife.
He looks at the photo and says, "Oh, I didn't know you had
a prescription."

Update Date September 26, 2005

A new bar opened up in Chicago, and Bob had to go and try it.  The bar
was on the observation deck of the Sears Tower.

Bob rode the elevator up an entered the bar.  It was very upscale,
with the waitresses and waiters in fancy clothing, a real mahogany
bar, and a comfortable decor and feel overall.  Bob sat at the bar and
ordered a beer.

"Hey, buddy," the man next to him said.  "Have you heard about the
trick of this bar?"

"No," Bob replied.

"Watch this," the other man said.  He walked over to the window and
stepped outside.  Bob, totally aghast at this, ran over to the window,
fully expecting to see the man plunging to his death.  Instead, to
Bob's utter surprise, the man was standing there, totally relaxed and
unconcerned.  "It's the updrafts," he explained.  "They're really
strong here.  You should try it!"

Bob hastily gulped his beer and stepped out to join the man.  Bob
screamed as he fell the 104 stories to the ground.  He landed in a
pile of mattresses and got off without a scratch.  He was so angry, he
ran the stairs back up to the bar.  He got there, totally out of
breath, just in time to hear the bartender say, "You are one mean
drunk, Superman!"

Update Date October 3, 2005
Circle of Flies

An old farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.  The
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed and in general,
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable.  Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket.  As he was doing it, he kept swatting at some flies that were
buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well, yeah, if
that's what they are...I never heard of circle flies."
So the old farmer says,  "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies 'cause they're almost always found
circlin' around the back end of a horse.
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.  Then
after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying
to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies,
though".

Update Date October 10, 2005

Fair-Weathered Flock

One Sunday morning at a Baptist church, as the choir finished their
song and the pastor was stepping up to the pulpit, two men clothed in
black and wearing ski-masks rushed through the door of the church
holding up rifles and screaming "If you would die for Jesus, stay
where you are! And if you wouldn't and you don't want us to shoot you,
you'd better leave now!" There was a mad rush for the door, and when
all had exited, there was only a stunned pastor and two members of the
congregation left. The gunmen removed their ski masks revealing
themselves as parishioners, and said with a laugh, "You can go on with
your sermon now, Pastor, all of the hypocrites are gone."

Update Date October 17, 2005
No Refunds

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a
parishioner asked his minister.

"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes, my son, absolutely."

"In that case, I wonder if you would mind returning that $25 I gave
you after my wedding last year?"

Update Date October 24, 2005
Doh, Boy

The Pillsbury Dough Boy was having some health problems, and on advice
from a female friend of his, he went to her gynecologist.  After some
quick diagnostic questions of symptoms, the doctor left the examining
room to run some labs and came back in the  with this message:  "Well,
its confirmed, you have a yeast infection."

Update Date October 31, 2005
The Clever Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative
defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few
trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you
can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the
defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or
not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached
his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

Update Date November 7, 2005
Prime Faux Pas

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British
ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the
dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle:
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence
on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet
retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward
to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no
one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Mon cherie, I
believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!’"

Update Date November 14, 2005
Proud Mamas

Four catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say "Your grace."
The third woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal.  Whenever he walks
into a room, people say "Your Eminence."
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence.  The first three women
give her this subtle "well??"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous 6'2" stripper.  When he walks into
a room, people say "Oh my GOD!"

Update Date November 21, 2005
Herman's Big Adventure

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just
one car, it's hundreds of them!"

Update Date November 28, 2005
Marriage Counseling

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Wally and his
wife Carolyn listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that
husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Wally leaned over, touched Carolyn's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Wally's life of celibacy.

Update Date December 5, 2005
MAYBE ANOTHER TIME

Father O'Malley walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Sure, Father, and who wouldn't?" was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father O'Malley walked up to Murphy and said, "Do you want to go 
to heaven?"
Murphy shook his head and said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "C'mon lad... I don't believe this.  You mean to tell
me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
Murphy said, "Oh, when I die, yes. Sure, I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

Update Date December 12, 2005
Whale Tale
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get
to heaven I will ask Jonah!" The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to
hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Update Date December 19, 2005

Missing Wife

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and
asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you
talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out
of nowhere."

Update Date December 26, 2005

Don't Argue With A Child 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
A nun had made a note and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE.
God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other
end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child
had written, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Update Date January 9, 2006

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


Update Date January 16, 2006

For all those men who say …"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."
Here's an update for you !!Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why … ???
Because women realize it's not worthbuying an entire pig just to get a 
little sausage. 

Update Date January 23, 2006

How To Get To Heaven: by Small Children!!

I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house
and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church,
would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day mowed the yard and kept everything
neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the
children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?"
Once more they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, impressed that they were a much more
theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then
how can I get into heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Update Date February 6, 2006

No Refunds

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a
parishioner asked his minister.

"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.

"Are you absolutely certain?"

"Yes, my son, absolutely."

"In that case, I wonder if you would mind returning that $25 I gave
you after my wedding last year?"

Update Date February 13, 2006

The Visit

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his
clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with
a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.
Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is sure friendlier
than mine."

Update Date February 20, 2006

Sure-Fire Signs There's Trouble on the Job

1) The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo.
2) The Security guard makes a complete inventory of your work area.
3) Your assistant starts responding to your memos with, "Yeah,
whatever."
4) You've got a "It's for you loser" sound when you receive email.
5) Your new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-18 last weekend.
6) The Human Resources Dept requests an update of your arrest record.
7) Your boss asks if you still have a copy of your five-year contract.
8) You notice your co-workers measuring your cubicle when you arrive
at work.
9) Your parking space is moved next to the Dumpster.
10) Your secretary says things like, "Get the phone, my nails aren't
dry."
11) The receptionist asks "Who?" when anyone calls on you.

Update Date February 27, 2006

No Cussing In Church
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, "Preacher, I'll tell you WHAT, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damn good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use that
kind of language in the Lord's House.
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No sh*t?"

Update Date March 6, 2006

Blond Logic
At a pharmacy, a blonde asked to use the infant scale to weigh the
baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out
for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by
weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing
the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"That won't work," countered the woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the
aunt."

Update Date March 13, 2006

The Cheerio 
A four year old and a six year old were getting ready for bed when the
six year old said to the four year old tomorrow we should start
cussing. Ok said the four-year old. The six year old said you say ass
and I'll say hell. The four year old agreed and they went to bed. The
next morning when they got up and went downstairs for breakfast their
mom asked the six year old what he wanted for breakfast and he said oh
hell, I think I'll have some cheerios. His mom whooped his butt and
sent him back upstairs and then she turned to the four year old and
asked him what he wanted for breakfast and he said I don't know, but
you bet your fat ass it won't be cheerios!

Update Date March 20, 2006
Special Gift

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and
insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a
toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a
baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained,
"I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. 
"Or are you going back there?"

Update Date March 27, 2006
Too Much Viagra

Leo and Lillian were living with their son and daughter-in-law. Leo
noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could have
one.
His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very
strong and expensive."
Leo said, "I know, but I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son replied, "$10 each."
Leo only had a $50 bill but was going to the bank. He told his son
that he would leave $10 under his pillow that night.
The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said, "Dad, I
told you it was only $10. There's $110 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said, "That's ok, the other $100 is from your mother!"

Update Date April 3, 2006
Senior Moments I

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one
morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she
said,  "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left
ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out &
stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now
I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Update Date April 10, 2006
Senior Moments II

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave
came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with
the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the
bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . .please
advise" The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap"

Update Date April 17, 2006
Senior Moments III

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the
casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the
casket.  They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that
the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then
dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the
pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the
casket towards the door, the husband cries out: "Watch that wall!"

Update Date April 24, 2006
Senior Moments IV

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,
their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to
play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me, I know we've been friends
for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her.  Finally, she said,  "How soon do you need to know?

Update Date May 1, 2006

Judgment Day
3 men died and went to heaven. The kind of car you were given to drive
depended on how you lived your life on Earth. The first man went up to
heaven and St. Peter asked him had he ever cheated on his wife. He
said, "All the time and when I wasn't doing it, I was thinking about
it". He was given a Yugo. The second man went up to heaven and St.
Peter asked him the same question. He said, "Only once and I begged
her forgiveness". He was given a Cadillac. The third man went up to
heaven and St. Peter asked him the same question. He said, "No, not in
all the years we were married". He was given a Ferrari. The first and
second man were driving one day and saw the third man sitting by the
side of the road crying. They parked and went up to him. The said,
"You never cheated on your wife and are driving a Ferrari, why are you
crying"? The third man said, "I just saw my wife go by and she was
riding a skateboard".

Update Date May 8, 2006

Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5
minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking
ticket.
So, I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy
a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
pencil-necked Geek.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires! So
I called him a piece of horse s**t. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20
minutes...the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner. I try to have a little fun each
day.
It's important.

Update Date May 15, 2006

The Nutty Confession

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man
always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really
loves peanuts.
One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields
to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar.
When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to
his crime.
"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man
replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the
M&M's."

Update Date May 22, 2006

BUBBA
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he
sent Mary Lou to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary Lou saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf
as she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Lou asked how much for the teapot?
Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Lou exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to
buy, and Joe Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled " Mary Lou, you wanna screw for that
hinge?'
To which Mary Lou replied "No, but I will for the teapot."

Update Date May 28, 2006

My Wife is Poisoning Me!

A man goes to see his rabbi about a problem he is having.
"Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it,"
says the man.
"What's the matter?" asks the rabbi, sensing that there is a serious
problem.
"My wife is poisoning me!" exclaims the man.
Stunned, the rabbi asks, "How can that be?"
"I'm telling you that I'm certain that she's poisoning me," replies
the man.neher. I'll see what I can find out and let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man. "Well I spoke to your wife. I
called her on the phone and spoke to her for four hours. Would you
like my advice?"
"Yes, please." requests the man.
The rabbi pauses then says, "Take the poison."

Update Date June 5, 2006

Dead Duck

This lady had a pet duck. As she walked near the pen, it looked as if
it were dead.  She took it to the Vet. "Please examine my duck. I
can't believe that it is dead".  The Vet checked the duck and said,
"Yes, he is dead".  "Oh, no!" the lady cried out.  "Can you do a
thorough exam to make certain?"  The Vet went out and came back with a
Lab dog.  The Lab sniffed the duck and nodded that it was dead.  The
lady still was not satisfied. So, the Vet went out, came back with a
Cat.  The cat sniffed the duck and nodded that it was dead.  The lady,
said, "OK, I believe you, now.  How much do I owe you?"  The Vet said,
"That will be $600."  "What, that much money to tell me my duck is
dead."  The Vet said, "Lady if you had taken my word, I would not have
had to do the Lab test nor the Cat scan."

Update Date June 12 , 2006

Proud Mothers

Four catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first woman tells her friends, "My son is a Priest. When he walks
into a room, everyone calls him "Father."
The second woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say "Your grace."
The third woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal.  Whenever he walks
into a room, people say "Your Eminence."
The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence.  The first three women
give her this subtle "well??"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous 6'2" stripper.  When he walks into
a room, people say "Oh my GOD!"

Update Date June 19, 2006

NASA Ingenuity

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a
pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost
any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below
freezing to 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.

Update Date June 26, 2006

The Sunburn

A man fell asleep on the beach under the noonday sun and suffered
severe sunburn to his legs.  He was taken to the hospital. His skin
had turned a bright red, was very painful and had started to blister.
Anything that touched his legs caused agony.
The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and
electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra.
Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in
that condition?"
The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheet off his legs."

Update Date July 3, 2006

Technically Speaking

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle, when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment.  Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could
not determine the helicopter's position.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a
handwritten sign that read "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a
large sign, and held it in a building window.  Their sign said "YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
steer to SeaTac airport, and landed safely.  After they were on the
ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.

"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer."

Update Date July 10, 2006

Two Pigeons

Two pigeons sat on a roof when a low flying jet fighter plane passed
overhead.
Said the first pigeon to the second one, "Wow!  That guy was really
going fast!"
The second pigeon replied, "So would you, if your butt was on fire!"

Update Date July 17, 2006

Beauty

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to
explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time.

"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five
feet, one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of
30-25-32. How do you think she'd do in today's version of the
contest?"
The class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not
very well."
"Why is that?" Asked the professor.
"For one thing," the student pointed out, "She'd be about a hundred
years old."

Update Date July 24, 2006

The 3 Doors

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the
doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend
eternity in.
So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing
in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the
next room".
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up
to their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are
people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea
and eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I'll choose this room".
Satan says O.K.
The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea
thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens.
Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on
your heads!"

Update Date August 1, 2006

Graveside Grief

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother
and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to
another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with
profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why
did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere
with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than
I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A
parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's
first husband."

Update Date August 7, 2006

Heavenly Golf Trio

Moses, Jesus and some old guy are playing golf together. They come to
a par three with a beautiful lake guarding the green.
Moses tees up and smacks one right into the lake. He raises his arms,
parts the lake, finds his ball and hits it onto the green.
Jesus tees off next and hits it into the lake. He walks across the
water, his ball floats up to the surface of the lake, and he hits it
onto the green.
Next up is the old geezer. Smacks his ball right towards the lake, but
as it's going in, a fish jumps up and snags the ball just as a pelican
swoops down and snags the fish. A bolt of lightning hits the pelican
that drops the fish onto the green and the ball falls into the hole.
Jesus looks over at the old man and says "Damn it, Dad, can't you play
golf like everyone else?"

Update Date August 14, 2006

Old Injury

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his
co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts
up once in a while."
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley
Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

Update Date August 21, 2006

Famous Man

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year- olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man
who ever lived."
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Patrick." The
teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew." The
teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."
The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and
I'll give you the $2."
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know
Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus
Christ."
Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business
is business..."

Update Date August 28, 2006

Working Girls

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their
car, which said:

"TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either
have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS
SAVES."
One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"
"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign
pertains to religion."
The two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and
drove off.
The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the
two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Thinking he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he
noticed the new sign, which now read:

"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

Update Date September 4, 2006

Wise Schoolteacher
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day
of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at
school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at
home"

Update Date September 11, 2006

Computer Error

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called Rick, the computer
guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.  As he was walking away,
I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"  He replied, "It was an ID
ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T
error?  What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"
The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
error before?"
"No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure
it out."
So I wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

Update Date September 18, 2006

A Visit To The Rodeo

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of
breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."  The wife poked her
husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that
said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."  The wife hit her husband
and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from
him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
"This bull mated 365 times last year."  The wife got really excited
and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from
this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with
the same old cow."

The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and
he should make a full recovery.

Update Date September 25, 2006

The Damages

There were three men, flying on a plane. They each decided to drop
something. The first decided to drop a penny, so he did, the second
decided to drop a penny, so he did, the third wanted to drop a bomb,
so he did. After the plane landed, they all decided to check where
their objects landed. The first walked down a street and saw a little
boy crying, he asked what was wrong, and the boy said a penny had
fallen from the sky, and hit him on his head. The second walked down
the street and found an old man crying, he asked what happened, and
the old man said that a penny had fallen from the sky and hit him on
the head. The third man walked down a street, and found a little boy
and a little girl crying. He asked what had happened, and the little
boy said, "my sister farted and the house blew up!"

Update Date October 2, 2006

The Crew

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave
the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts etc.

Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, "Did I hear her
right... is the captain a woman? I think I better have a scotch and soda."

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I
understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't
know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the
cockpit.  Now it's the box office."

Update Date October 9, 2006

Different Kind of Writer

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall
that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he
said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No
relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

Update Date October 9, 2006

Managers and Engineers

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of
a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape
measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape
measures -- the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks
over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it
from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and
walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs.
"Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for the height and he
gives us the length."

Update Date October 23, 2006

Heavenly Quiz

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up
together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to
get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the
ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter
let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't
*really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on
the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228,"
he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Update Date October 30, 2006

Prayer Time

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At
bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers
when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD PLAYER..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said,
"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the
little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

Update Date November 6, 2006

Language Barrier

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a
North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion
about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

Update Date November 13, 2006

The Helpful Man

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He
doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices
that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.
As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, "You know, you are the
first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch."
"But I'm not pregnant," she says.
"Well, you're not out of the ditch yet," he says.

Update Date November 20, 2006

Jovial Mary Jane

Mary Jane was walking in the barnyard one day when she saw a fly
sitting on a pile of cow manure. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed
and laughed. She knew that fly couldn't do all that. Mary Jane was at
the Drive Inn with her boyfriend and He stuck his hand down in her
bra. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed and laughed. She knew her
money was in her shoe. Mary Jane was walking uptown one day and as she
passed a department store window, she noticed a sign that said "Felt:
25 cents per square yard". Mary Jane just laughed and laughed and
laughed. She knew she could get felt for nothing.

Update Date November 27, 2006

Pardon Me

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her
breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he
said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was
ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he
begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was
in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed
and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper read, "Chinese
Waiter Crushed to Death!"

Update Date December 4, 2006

Live To Be A Hundred

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I've never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I've never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Update Date December 11, 2006

Hasty Officer

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding 
down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your
heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in
a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Update Date December 18, 2006

Down Wind

A woman walks into a restaurant and sits down. As she bends down to
reach into her purse for her wallet, she farts loudly with the waiter
right behind her. She sits abruptly back up, glares at the waiter and
shouts "Stop that!" To which the waiter replies, "Sure, which way did
it go?"

Update Date December 25, 2006

Home Sick Scot

Duncan MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university
and was living in the residents’ dorm.
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on
that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one
on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."

Update Date January 2, 2007

Password

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his
computer. She asked him what word he would like to use as a password
to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis".

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She
almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED.NOT LONG ENOUGH.

Update Date January 8, 2007

Bear Facts

Tom and Bob are taking in the beauty of Yellowstone when suddenly they
spot a grizzly bear only a hundred yards away. "Stand still," Bob told
Tom, "he might not see us."

The grizzly stood up, sniffed the air and charged at them.

"Okay, it's time to run," said Bob in a calm voice.

"Why aren't you scared to death?," puffed Tom as he ran and tried to 
keep
up with Bob. "The ranger said that these bears can run 40 miles per 
hour.
We'll never outrun him."

"That's just it Tom," Bob yelled over his shoulder. "I don't have to
outrun him. I only have to outrun YOU!"

Update Date January 15, 2007

Dental Philosophy

Dentist: "Try to relax. I'll pull that aching tooth in five minutes."

Patient: "How much will this cost?"

Dentist: "It'll be $100."

Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"

Dentist: "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

Update Date January 22, 2007

Bad Landing

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said
that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment, but no one seemed annoyed.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking
with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, "Sonny, mind
if I ask you a question?"
"Why no Ma'am, what is it?"
"Did we land or were we shot down?"

Update Date January 29, 2007

Bait Shop

One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing
reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its
cost.
The owner replied, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see
what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and
be of more help."
So she did just that. After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said,
"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00."
The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor.
Upon bending over, she laid a stinky, sqeaky fart.
The owner rang up the sale and said, "That'll be fifty dollars."
"Fifty dollars?!?!" the woman exclaimed. "You just told me that is was
forty dollars a moment ago!"
"Yes, I did", said the owner, "But that was for the reel. The duck
call is another $10.00"

Update Date February 5, 2007

Bill Gates

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle, when I noticed
Bill Gates sitting on the couch enjoying a cognac. I was meeting a
very important client that was also flying to Seattle with me, but she
was running a bit late.
Being the fairly forward person I am, I approached Mr. Gates and
introduced myself. I explained that I was conducting some very
important business, and how I would really appreciate it if he could
throw a quick 'Hello Chris' at me while I was with my client. He
agreed.
Ten minutes later when I was conversing with my client, I felt a tap
on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. I turned around and looked up at
him.
He said, "Hey Chris, what's happening?"
I replied, "Not now Gates. I'm in a meeting."

Update Date February 12, 2007

Women

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his 
second drink and said,
"What's wrong pal?"
"I'll never understand women." Max said. 
"The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that 
later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."
"Wow!" said the bartender. 
"But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."
"Well," Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her 
Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."

Update Date February 19, 2007

Prayers

Little Johnny was softly saying his night prayers kneeling down, and 
his mother was beside him.
"Say your prayers louder, darling, I can't hear you," said little 
Johnny's mother.
"But I'm not talking to you" was the instant reply.

Update Date February 26, 2007

Over Five Years

A out-of-towner in New York at the height of the tourist season
decided to revisit an uptown restaurant he'd enjoyed on a previous
trip to the city.

Finally catching the eye of an overworked waiter, he said, "You know,
it's been over five years since I first came in here."

"I'm sorry, but you'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the
waiter with typical New York charm. "I can only serve one table at a
time."

Update Date March 5, 2007

Phone Line

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented
a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot
shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he
had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant
commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
“Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.”

Update Date March 12, 2007

Hobbyhorse

A grandfather bought a hobbyhorse by mail order as a Christmas present
for his granddaughter.

The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be
put together in an hour. However it took the old man two days to
assemble the toy. Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a
check, cut it into 189 pieces and posted it off to the company.

Update Date March 19, 2007

Cowboy's Favorite Bible

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences
out on the range.
Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its
mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book
out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed,
"It's a miracle."
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Update Date March 26, 2007

Old Injury

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his
co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury that acts
up once in a while."

Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy responded, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on
the Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television."

Update Date April 2, 2007

College Bound

A mother and father were chatting with their eight-year-old son about
his future. The youngster said he'd like to attend Cornell, as his
parents and other members of the family had. Pleased with his
response, they pressed on. "What would you like to take when you
attend college?" they asked the little boy.

After giving it some thought and glancing around the kitchen, he
replied, "The refrigerator, if you can get along without it."

Update Date April 9, 2007

Thoughts

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one
talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman are their eyes. And women say the first thing they
notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.

In the '60s people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Update Date April 16, 2007

Women

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his 
second drink and said,
"What's wrong pal?"
"I'll never understand women." Max said. 
"The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that 
later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."
"Wow!" said the bartender. 
"But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."
"Well," Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her 
Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."

Update Date April 23, 2007

Woman Of His Dreams

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just
met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do? His mother had an
idea, "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to
your apartment for a home-cooked meal?" He thought this was a great
strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the
day after the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."

Update Date April 30, 2007

Clever Dog

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a
clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."

The wife responded, "But we've never subscribed to any papers!"

Update Date May 7, 2007

Guess Who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity
gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him
what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 love letters signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer."

Update Date May 14, 2007

The Typewriter

There was this married couple. Since they had a little boy, their code
name for sex was typewriter. So one day, the father came up to his
little boy and said, "Go tell Mommy I need to use the typewriter to
type a letter." The little boy obeys. He comes back and says, "Mommy
says it's broke and has a red ribbon in it. She said it will be fixed
in a couple of days."  A few days later, the boy goes to his father
and says, "Mommy says you can use the typewriter now."  And the father
responds, "Go tell Mommy that it's okay now, I've already hand written
my letter!"

Update Date May 21, 2007

Female Brain Cells

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell, which by mistake
happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously, but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.  "Is there anyone there?" she cried
a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled
at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE THERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away...
"We're down here!"

Update Date May 28, 2007

Work Horse

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named
Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy
didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the
farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the
only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

Update Date June 4, 2007

School Play

Matt's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental
appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be
posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man
who's been married for 20 years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it
they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Update Date June 10, 2007

Absentminded

A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his
attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice
he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally
decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.

When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried,
"Daddy, where's Mommy?"

Update Date June 18, 2007

Bring Your Daughter to Work Day

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to
work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your
secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my
secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't
believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her
eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Update Date June 25, 2007
Magna Carta

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the
barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man pushing his
way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half
hour!"

Update Date July 2, 2007

Crime and Punishment

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her
occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the
bench.

"Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this
court." He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write,
'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

Update Date July 9, 2007

Magna Carta

A tour bus load full of noisy tourists arrives at Runnymede, England.
They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the
barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man pushing his
way to the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"

"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Shoot! Just missed it by a half
hour!"

Update Date July 16, 2007

Match Set

A man was showing his friend a new set of matching golf clubs he had
just bought.

"Doctor's orders," the man told his friend. "My wife and I have been
gaining too much weight and we went to see the doctor about it. He
said we needed more exercise, so I joined the country club and bought
myself this set of golf clubs."

"What did you buy your wife?" the friend asked.

The man said, "A new matching bicycle and lawn mower."

Update Date July 23, 2007

Fishing for a Week

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has
just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the
opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my
clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas?
I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?"

"Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

"Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box."

Update Date July 30, 2007

The Speech

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked
one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded.
"Half the audience walked out before I finished." Jenkins was baffled.
"I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two
extra copies you asked for."

Update Date August 6, 2007

Dentist's Solution

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.
First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."
After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?" The dentist said,
"Viagra.

"The guy said, "WHAT! Why these? "The dentist said, "They won't help
the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull
your tooth.

Update Date August 13, 2007

Little Lies 

Once, a man died and went to heaven. When he was in heaven, he met an
angel. The angel took him to a room filled with clocks.

“What is this?” he asked the angel.

The angel said, “This is the clock room. Each person has his or her
own clock. Every time that person tells a lie, his or her own clock
will spin.”

“Whose is that above us?” the man asked.

“That is O.J. Simpson’s. We use it as a fan,” the angel said.

Update Date August 20, 2007

Time

In my English-as-a-second-language class, I explained the difference
between a watch and a clock. I told the students that when it was a
large timepiece on a wall and not attached to your body, it was called
a clock. When it was worn on your body, it was called a watch.

A few days later we had a power outage, and our classroom clocks had
not been reset. I asked Luis, who was wearing a wristwatch, for the
time. Luis looked at his wrist, and then confidently announced, "It is
exactly ten O'Watch."

Update Date August 27, 2007 

Lucrative Profession

A plumber attended to a leaking faucet at the neurosurgeon's house.
After a two-minute job, he demanded $150.

The neurosurgeon exclaimed, "I don't even charge that amount and I am
a brain surgeon."

The plumber replied, "I agree. You are right! I too, didn't either,
when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing."

Update Date September 3,2007

Happy Marriage

A man was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.  His buddy
preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms, caller her
Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.  He was so
impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while
the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's
wonderful that after all of these years you've been married, you still
call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name
about 10 years ago."

Update Date September 10,2007

Ending the Argument

A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new
car. She curtly declines his offer by saying, "That's not quite what I
had in mind."
Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer,
"That's not quite what I had in mind."
Curious, he asks: "What did you have in mind?"
She retorts, "I'd like a divorce."
He answers, "I hadn't planned on spending quite that much."

Update Date September 30,2007

Nervous Habit

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had
formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he
was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm
sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I
was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'"

Update Date October 7,2007

Precocious Pooch

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry.
No pets allowed."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and
you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on
the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The
Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the
Jets score a touchdown?"
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years!"

Update Date October 14,2007

International Adoption

A polish couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby
came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that they had
a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without
hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local
college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled
out the forms, the registration clerk inquired,
"What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly,
"We just adopted a Russian baby, and in a year or so he'll start to
talk. We just want to be able to understand him."

Update Date October 21,2007

TWO KEYS

Two keys hang in an undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel;
the other for one of the cars in the garage.
Two small signs above the keys read "Hymn" and "Hearse."

Update Date October 28,2007

Real Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Include your Children when Baking Cookies
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Update Date November 4,2007

The Confession

A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest, "I
almost had an affair with a woman."

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over
to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw
that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
apparently that's the same as putting it in."

Update Date November 11,2007

Command

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to
make sure my golden retriever had fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon
her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and
saying emphatically, "Now you stay..... Do you hear me?... Stay!...
Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde, gave me
a strange look and said, "Lady, why don't you just put it in park?"

Update Date November 18,2007

Keeping Pure

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a
fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this
day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty
upset."

Update Date November 25,2007

Travel Necessities

A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They
packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot two things - Condoms
and Dramamine - for the man had the terrible misfortune of getting
motion sickness on ships.

So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise,
and the man went in to get the necessary supplies. He walked up to the
counter with a plenty-pack of condoms and asked for the largest bottle
of Dramamine available.

The pharmacist looked at him for a second and then asked him, "If it
makes you so sick, why do you do it?"

Update Date December 3,2007

Gifts for the Afterlife

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone,
with the inscription: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."

Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone, on
which the inscription read: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."

Update Date December 10,2007

Thoughtful Gift?

A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large
plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her
nothing. She was quick to comment loud and long on his
thoughtlessness. He replied, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave
you last year."

Update Date December 17,2007

New Car

Volvo has unveiled an auto designed by women for women called the YCC,
“Your Concept Car.” Among its cutting-edge femifeatures:

-- Turn signals that are able to change their mind at the last minute.

-- An OnStar satellite tracking system that can locate, on command,
all retail outlets within 500 miles

-- Permanent press fenders.

-- A dashboard voice console that's programmed to ask strangers for
directions.

-- Side mirrors that make the driver appear slimmer than she actually is.

Update Date December 24,2007

Is that your dog?

A timid little man, walked into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing
his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman
tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out
through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the
quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"
"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my
dog just killed it, sir."
"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog
do you have?"
"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female
puppy."
"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

Update Date December 31,2007

Ancient castle

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient
castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in
it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those
years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I
have."

Update Date January 7,2008

Car Accident

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little
monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The
officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his
mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey nodded his head.
"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey nodded his head.
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, and smoking
marijuana before they wrecked."
The monkey nodded his head.
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

Update Date January 14,2008

A Test Question

This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"
He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all
need companionship, I guess I would."
She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"
He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house
just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess
she would."
So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this
house, would she sleep in our bed?"
and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid $2,000 for it, it's
going to last a long time, I guess she would."
So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this
house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
He says, "Oh no, she's left handed."

Update Date January 21,2008

Divine Intervention?

The temporary Sunday school teacher was struggling to open a
combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the
combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the
pastor's study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the
first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally
he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he
looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and
opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.

"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape
on the ceiling."

Update Date January 28,2008

Doctors' Sign

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and
Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But it was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"

None worked.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title
they thought might be accepted by the council:

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends." APPROVED!

Update Date February 4,2008

At The Zoo

When the gorilla died at the zoo, the zoo was too short of money to
replace him, so they hired an actor to act like a gorilla. This went
well for the first couple of weeks, but then the actor started getting
bored and began larking around, like a real gorilla.

One day he went too far and climbed into the tiger’s cage. The tiger
immediately leapt across the cage.

“HELP!” screamed the actor, “GET ME OUT OF HERE!”

“Shut up,” said the tiger, “Do you want to get us both sacked?”

Update Date February 11,2008

Zen and Fly  

Three Chinese men were sitting at an outdoor table for lunch when one
suddenly swept his hands up, quickly maneuvered his chopsticks and
pulled a fly from the air. Showing the fly to his friends, one said
"impressive," and he dropped the dead fly to the ground.

The second man suddenly reached up with his chopsticks and pulled
another fly from the air. Showing the fly was held ever so gently by
the wing, the others said "very impressive," and the fly flew off.

The third man with a quick jerking motion poked his chopsticks in the
air towards another fly, which then flew away. Showing the chopsticks,
the others said, "You have not caught fly. Why show us?"

He then said, "True, I did not catch the fly, but he will never
reproduce".

Update Date February 18,2008

Goodnight

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he heard
some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and shouted:
"Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say ‘goodnight.
’ What you must realize, is that when I say 'Goodnight,' what I really
mean is, 'Shut up!!!'"

The room instantly fell silent. But after a few seconds, a small voice
could be heard from somewhere in the far back of the dark room:
"Goodnight, Sergeant"

Update Date February 25,2008

Carefully Placed Periods

There was a guy who worked for Blockbuster video. He found it to be a
great but complicated job.

One day he was at the register and a older man came in and asked if he
could buy a phone card. So the guy gave him a card, and he wrote him a
check for $39.80. He then told him that it was 20 cents short, so he
gave him 2 dimes.

Unfortunitely when he typed this into the computer, he missed the
period on the keyboard and it came up as 20 dollars.

That night, the manager said that he was $19.80 short. The manager
thought the guy had stolen it, so he fired him immediately.

And the moral to this story is: "Guys get in trouble over missed
periods."

Update Date March 3,2008

TOP TEN REASONS WHY NOTHING IS BETTER THAN SEX

1. There are even more positions in which you can do nothing.
2. Nothing is free.
3. You can do nothing with anybody, at any time
4. It's perfectly all right to look bored while you do nothing.
5. No man would dream of forcing a woman to do nothing.
6. Chances are, you won't feel the effects of doing nothing 9 months from now.
7. Men and women generally take the same amount of time to do nothing.
8. The less effort you make, the better doing nothing is.
9. You can do nothing in your car, on an airplane, in a school or work desk,
in a restroom, on the toilet, in the bathtub, and on a hard tile floor in
relative comfort.
10. Doing nothing will never be a disappointing experience.

Update Date March 10,2008

At The Office 

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made
of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well ... I can clearly see you're nuts."

Update Date March 17,2008

What's Left Behind...

A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name. After paying all
the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no
money left.

The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few
days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I
had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist
and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the
food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big was
it?"

The widow replied, "Three carats."

Update Date March 24,2008

Stressed

I thought I had finally found a way to convince Susan, my continually
hurried friend, that she needed to find ways to relax. I invited her
to dinner and, while I was busy cooking, she agreed to watch my
videotape on stress management and relaxation techniques.

Fifteen minutes later, she came into the kitchen and handed me the
tape.

"It was good," she said, "but I don't need it."

"But it's a 70-minute video," I replied. "You couldn't have watched
the whole thing."

"Yes, I did," Susan assured me. "I put it on fast-forward."

Update Date March 31,2008

Command

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to
make sure my golden retriever had fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon
her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and
saying emphatically, "Now you stay..... Do you hear me?... Stay!...
Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, perhaps noting that I am a blonde, gave me
a strange look and said, "Lady, why don't you just put it in park?"

Update Date April 7,2008

New record

A guy was taking a course in human sexuality, and on a particular day,
they were studying the Kinsey Report. As the professor was citing
different statistics, he commented that one particular woman in the
study had been said to have had several hundred orgasms in a single
session.

There were several audible gasps in the lecture hall.

A male voice piped up and asked, "Wow... who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "Never mind that, who was HE?"

Update Date April 14,2008
Right On Red

A policeman was on patrol when he came upon a line of cars stopped at
a light with horns blasting. The light directing that lane of traffic
was green. He pulled out of line and stopped alongside of the first
car in line to see what the problem was. The car was driven by an
elderly woman. He asked her why she was stopped when the light was
green.

She said, "Oh, because I'm on my way to my sister's house which is
that way." and she pointed to the right.

The motorcycle cop said, "Well go ahead! The light is green."

The elderly woman responded with, "Yes I know, but the sign under the
light says 'RIGHT TURN ON RED.'"

Update Date April 21,2008

ARRANGEMENTS

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this:  In
the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all.
If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex.
And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied.  "Just make sure, when I come
home, I usually have a drink.  If I have only one drink, that means I
don't want sex.  If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex.  But
if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

Update Date April 28,2008

Hair Cut

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with
you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair
cut and then we'll talk about it."

After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the
father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of
you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've
been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had
long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

Update Date May 5,2008

Loan Collateral

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a
downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan
of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.

"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls Royce," the man said. The
loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground
parking for safe keeping and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in
principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man
wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan
officer said, "while you were gone I learned that you are a
millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls Royce in Manhattan
for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Update Date May 12,2008

 It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are
asleep when suddenly the phone rings.

The husband picks up the phone and says, "Hello?.... How the heck
would I know? - Am I the weather man?" promptly slamming the phone
down.

His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"

The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some guy who wanted to know
if the coast was clear."

Update Date May 19,2008

They Hate me !

MOTHER: Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be
 late for school.  
 VICTOR: Aw, Mom do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all
the students hate me too.  
MOTHER: Yes you do.  
Victor: Give me a good reason.  
MOTHER: You're 34 and you're the Principal!

Update Date May 26,2008

Walk On Water

Joey had heard a family rumor that his father, his grandfather and
even his great-grandfather, all walked on water on their 21st
birthday. Well today was his 21st birthday, and if they could do it,
so could he.
So, off he went in a boat with his friend Eric. When he got out in the
middle of the lake, he got up and stepped out of the boat... and damn
near drowned.
The next day, Joey asked his grandmother why he wasn't given the same
gift as the others in his family. The grandmother told him that his
father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been born in
February...not in August as was he.

Update Date June 9,2008

Good Service

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over
the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

Update Date June 16,2008

Important Questions

Q. What's the difference between broccoli and boogers?
A. Kids won't eat broccoli.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who swam the Atlantic twice without
taking a bath?
A. The dirty double crosser!
Q. What do you get when you cross a cat and a pig?
A. Sausage lynx
Q. How do you make a kleenex dance?
A. Blow a little boogie into it.
Q. Did you hear about the happy Roman?
A. He was gladiator.
Q. Did you hear about the optician at the wine party?
A. Two glasses and he made a spectacle of himself.
Q. How about the man who ran through a screen door?
A. He strained himself.

Update Date June 23,2008

A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package
we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said
he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied,
"Don't lie to me.
I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"

Update Date June 30,2008

Old Date

It was the custom at the retirement home to pair the old couples, and
then send them out for dinner and a movie, or other entertainment.
This one night, an 84-year-old man was paired with an 86-year-old
lady.
A few hours later, she returned to the home and was she angry!
"What happened that you should be so upset", the attendant asked her.
"Coming back with that silly old man, I had to slap him three times
while we were riding back in the cab."
"Oh that's terrible...and at his age too. He ought to be ashamed of
himself, making passes at you."
"Passes???" she said, "he didn't make passes. I had to slap him three
times to see if he was asleep or dead."

Update Date July 7,2008

At The Store

A soldier walks into a small grocery store and asks for a loaf of
raisin bread.  It's on a high shelf, and the pretty salesgirl climbs a
ladder, and kicks her leg out while reaching over to get it.  The
soldier gets an eyeful, tells his pals, and soon the girl is selling
dozens of loaves.
An old man walks in and the girl automatically climbs the ladder and
reaches for the bread.  Then she realizes that the old man hasn't
ordered yet.
She calls down to him, "Is it raisin for you, old man?"
"No," he replies, "but it's sure a quivering."

Update Date July 14,2008

No Refunds

"Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?" a
parishioner asked his minister.
"Definitely not," was the preacher's answer.
"Are you absolutely certain?"
"Yes, my son, absolutely."
"In that case, I wonder if you would mind returning that $25 I gave
you after my wedding last year?"

Update Date July 21,2008

Public Servant

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young student confidently. "Means carrying a child."

Update Date July 28,2008

Overloaded

My wife, a flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a
passenger overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the
overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would
have to check the oversized luggage.
"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I don't have this
problem."
My wife smiled, "When you fly other airlines, I don't have this
problem either."

Update Date August 4,2008

George At The Olympics

George W. Bush is opening the Olympic Games and has to read a speech.
"Oh," he says. "Oh, oh, oh ..."
An aide nudges him, "Mr. Bush, stop," he says. "You're reading the
Olympic symbol."

Update Date August 11,2008

Women Jokes

My wife and I are inseparable - In fact, last week it took four state
troopers and a dog.
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law

Update Date August 18,2008

Never Judge a Book by its Author

Animal Illnesses............. Ann Thrax
French Overpopulation.........Francis Crowded
Fallen Underwear .............Lucy Lastic
Downpour! ....................Wayne Dwops
Cloning ......................Ima Dubble
Irish Flooring ...............Lynn O'Leum
I Lived in Detroit ...........Helen Earth
Inflammation, Please .........Arthur Itis
Handel's Messiah .............Ollie Luyah
House Construction ...........Bill Jerome Home
Unemployed ...................Anita Job
Holmes Does it Again .........Scott Linyard
Home Alone IV ................Eddie Buddyhome
Lewis Carroll ................Alison Wonderland
Leo Tolstoy ..................Warren Peace
The L. A. Lakers Breakfast ...Kareem O' Wheat
Neither a Borrower ...........Nora Lender Bee
The French Chef ..............Sue Flay
Tight Situation ..............Leah Tard
The Scent of a Man ...........Jim Nasium
Why Cars Stop ................M. T. Tank
Wind in the Willows ..........Russell Ingleaves
Look Younger .................Fay Slift
Mountain Climbing ............Andover Hand
It's Springtime! .............Theresa Green
No! ..........................Kurt Reply
And Shut Up! .................Sid Downe

Update Date August 25,2008

Getting Gray?

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette
head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of
your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then
said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Update Date Sept. 1,2008

Young Baker

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Christmas
dinner and was surprised to find his young nephew, Timmy, helping them
bake some cupcakes.
After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing
on. When he had finished, he brought them to the table.
"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. And he took a bite
while looking at the other cupcakes. "Timmy these are so good."
As he finished one and took another, he again complimented his little
nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did
you get them iced so evenly?" And he took a large bite while waiting
for the answer.
His nephew replied, "I licked them."

Update Date Sept. 8,2008

Wrong Lesson

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson
about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved
a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a
worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and
quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor
asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Update Date Sept. 15,2008

Playing Rough

Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises
on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any
physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."

Update Date Sept. 22,2008

Standing In Line In Heaven

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I
want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated
their women on earth and the other line for the men that were
dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St.
Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone
and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by
their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated
their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look
at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn
from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in
this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Update Date Sept. 29,2008

The Speech

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention so he asked
one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punch, 20-minute speech.
When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?", he demanded.
"Half the audience walked out before I finished." Jenkins was baffled.
"I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two
extra copies you asked for."

Update Date Oct. 13,2008

Nun in a Cab

A cabbie picks up a nun.
She gets into the cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to
ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as
I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see
and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you
could say or ask that I would find offensive."
The cabbie says, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver becomes very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and
I'm Catholic too!!!"
"OK,” the nun says, "Pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a
hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver
starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
He sobs, "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must
confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a
Halloween party".

Update Date Oct. 20,2008

Trick or Treat

This past Halloween my brother had an unexpected guest, an old friend
from high school. So instead of being home to greet trick-or-treaters,
as he had planned to do, he went out with his old friend. He hated to
leave the house unattended and not give the numerous neighbor children
any treats. So he set the bag of apples that he had intended to give
out, on the porch with a sign that read - "Take some, Leave some."
Later that night, when he got home, there were three times as many
apples as when he had left.

Update Date Nov. 3,2008

Customs

On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived
at London's Gatwick Airport. Tania headed for the British passport
control line while I, an American, waited in the foreigners' line.
When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my
visit.
"Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon."
The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other. "That's
very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport. "Most men
bring their wives with them."

Update Date Nov. 10,2008

Moooo

A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to
each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "moo
mooooooooooooooooooo!"
They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before.
"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!"
One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a
little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks,
"George, why are you mooing. You’re a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"
His friend replies gladly, "I know, I thought I would learn a foreign
language!"

Update Date Nov. 17,2008

Memories

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One
said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in
front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it
away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or
on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;
knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told
them, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Update Date Nov. 24,2008

THIS'LL KILL YOU
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.  On the other hand, the French eat a lot of
fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.  However, the Italians drink excessive
amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the
British or Americans.
Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that
kills you.

Update Date Dec. 1,2008

Creation
In the beginning, God created Earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Update Date Dec. 8,2008

Hair Cut

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father,
who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car.
His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with
you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair
cut and then we'll talk about it."
After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the
father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of
you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the Bible
diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."
The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've
been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had
long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."

Update Date Dec. 15,2008
 
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

Update Date Dec. 29,2008
 
There was this biker riding down a dirt road when he saw a bunch of
cop cars. One officer flagged him to stop and asked, "Do you speak
Spanish?"

The biker replied," a little."

The officer asks him to translate this: "We know that you know where
your friends have the dope hidden, and if you don't tell us, we will
cut your tongue out!"

So the biker translates this to the Spanish man, and the Spanish man
starts rattling on and giving directions to where the barn is and
where the dope is hidden. The biker looks and the officer and smiles.

The officer asks, "What did he say? He knows, huh?"

The bikers says, "Hell no, he swears he don't know nothing, and you do
what you think you have to!"

Update Date Jan. 12,2009
 
Test Group

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes
over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted
with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he
slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm
a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200?"

Update Date Jan. 19,2009

Swimming Lesson

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about
teaching a young lady to swim.
"It takes considerable time and technique," replied the guard. "First
you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist,
hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."
"This is certainly most helpful," said the member. "I know that my kid
sister will appreciate it."
"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into
the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."-->
 
Update Date March 30,2009

Sorry For Eating The Peanuts

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. 
It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her 
room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a 
bowl on the table.

Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly 
finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your peanuts!"

"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate off, 
I don't care for them anyway."

Update Date April 6,2009

Bad Drunk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to
them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the
best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk
wanders off and up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the
drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just had your
mom and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten
minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me---"

Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad----you're drunk!"

Update Date April 20,2009

LATE NIGHT QUOTE

"There's a new book out that says President Bush used marijuana while
in the National Guard. When President Bush heard the news he said,
'See I told you I was in the National Guard!'" - David Letterman

Update Date April 27,2009

For College Football Season

A guy walks into a restaurant, orders a drink, and asks the waiter if
he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They
were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge
fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That
guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter.
And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely
positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain
it 5 times."

Update Date May 4,2009

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,
"Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

Update Date May 18,2009

Ice Fishing

There were two old boys from Alabama who love to fish, and they wanted
to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they
took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely. They stopped just
before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their
tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." So they
got that, and they took off.
In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're
going to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the shop
wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks,
and the old boy left.
In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice
picks you've got."
The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked,
"how are you fellows doing?"
"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the boat in the
water yet."

Update Date June 1,2009

Three Little Pigs

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the
first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his
home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow
full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that
straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said, "'Holy Cow!
A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Update Date June 8,2009

Dangerous Profession

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures
on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook,
and an eye patch. The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the
peg leg?"
The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept
overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out,
a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well," replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were
battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand
off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye-patch"?
"A seagull pooped in my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.
"Well,", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

Update Date June 15,2009

Bill and Hill at the Ballgame

Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the
first row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them. One of
the Secret Service guys leaned forward and said something to Bill
Clinton. He looked back and stared at the agent, looked at Hillary,
looked back at the agent, and shrugged his shoulders. Then Bill picked
up Hillary by the coat collar and the seat of her pants, and dropped
her right over the wall into the field. She's kicking and swearing and
screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding, and
high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling, when the agent leans forward
and says: "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!

Update Date June 22,2009

ENEMY

It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs
on the eve of a big offensive.
"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has made
your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has
been trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "My God; the cook's working for
the Germans!"

Update Date June 29,2009

Mozart Beyond the Grave

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days
later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some
strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and
listen to it.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened
for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,
being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,
and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...
the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the
magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered
in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Mozart decomposing."

Update Date July 6,2009

Speeding Ticket

A man speeding down the highway gets pulled over by a police officer.
The officer asks, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"  The man
sheepishly answers, "Is it because the car I am driving is stolen?"
"This car is stolen!" exclaims the police officer.  "No, that is not
why I pulled you over."
"Is it because of the gun in my glove box?" asks the man.
"There is a gun in your glove box!" says the police officer. "No, that
s not why I pulled you over!"
"Is it because of the dead body in my trunk?" questions the man.
"You have a dead body in your trunk!" says the police officer.  Now
the police officer, tells the man, "Wait right here," and goes back to
his car to radio for backup.  The SWAT teams arrives, and an officer
approaches the car.  They check the registration and the car is not
stolen.  They check in the glove box and there is no gun.  They check
in the trunk and there is no dead body.
The SWAT officer says, "I don't understand sir, the officer over there
told us you were driving a stolen car, with a gun in the glove box and
a dead body in the trunk!"
The man looks up at the SWAT officer and says, "Damn liar, he probably
told you I was speeding too!"

Update Date July 13,2009

Men's Rules:

1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come
home with the wrong thing.
3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the
screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials.
Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much
better chance of getting an immediate